So this last month was cool/shit, in the way that I asked for a life lesson, publicly on Facebook, and got one right in the face. That exact life lesson, and now I need to talk it through. I need to talk EVERY emotion through, so sorry, but suck an egg....that's just me.
Life lesson on reacting and how your reaction changes the exact same situation.
I realize now how we can force people to act a way we want them to. 2 examples I remember. My best friend since 15. We were at a concert and literally out of nowhere he says "So are you going to take off now?"
"Wtf? I'm not going anywhere. Why did you say that?"
"Because you always take off. You always go hang out with other people."
"You know you are starting a fight right now don't you?"
"No I'm not, you always leave, I will just sit here and wait for you to find someone else to hang out with."
It was glaringly clear, lights flashing in my face what he was doing. He was trying to make me act a certain way. My friend was deciding I was going to leave, and if I didn't, he was going to try to make me just so he could be right. I am the bad guy who leaves him. After this becomes an argument, I end up leaving, going to hang out with someone else. Just on cue.
The second example, was this guy I met on Facebook, we're talking 9 years ago or something. We became chatting friends, and out of nowhere, he gets weird depressed and was asking when I was going to block him. EVERYONE leaves him, and everyone hates him. Long story short, I end up blocking him after he turns weird. It's almost just a "poor me" attempt to make him validate his crappy life? Does that make sense? We were just friends and I was kind to you. You want to be sad and validate your sadness and loneliness so you are going to push me away to validate how shitty and alone you are, making me another jerk who left you.
So this months life lesson I asked for; how do I not react to people when they are nasty to me. I am REALLY good at telling people off, and have an insult vocabulary to make the Devil himself proud. Don't mess with me. However, EVERY time I react, I feel worse. I stay mad, I get angry for long periods of time, I hurt very deeply and it doesn't stop. How do I do this.
Now I am going to go out on a limb and say I haven't tried to hurt someones feelings in a LONG time. I haven't thrown the first punch on someone in God knows how long. Actually, I haven't really had conflict with anyone in a few years. (Besides mild friend dilemmas and telling Facebookers to F off.)So when asshole #1 came out of nowhere, I was a bit shocked.
ASSHOLE #1. My reaction and the horrible outcome.
Asshole #1 is my older brother Nik. (sorry for the forthcoming LONG story)
Nik is an older brother who I have never liked. We are not on the same planet as far as similar. I mean, as far as 2 humans could be different, so is Nik and I. Nik is a gamer. Enough said right? Highly intelligent, highly narcissistic, very selfish, but it may just be because of his inability to navigate social situations. I don't know. I had some really big resentments after my mother died, he just kinda left us there. Anyways. I always wanted a brother like the rest of the world has. I wanted the older brother that cared for his little sister. Loved her, watched out for her. I wanted the brother that I could look up to, and annoy, and he was just not that. He just honestly did not love me. (cue dad not loving me, and male issues to ensue later in life)
So kinda a big issue in my life.
Mom died, Nik took off, never heard from him again for 5 years.
Nik shows up after Jaxon is like almost 2 "I want to be a family" OK , let's do that. That basically means we are "friends" on Facebook and email each other a "Happy Birthday" Fine. I never expected anything from him, just kindness. I forgave him for not being who I needed him to be, I accepted his quirks, I tried to be a part of his sons life. He didn't acknowledge my kids, which hurt, but his loss. I did my best. I don't like you, but I will respect you!
Few years later. and the start of Asshole #1.
I have not, for literally years, interacted with Nik on Facebook. I might have liked a few of his photos, but no talking, or comments, no messages or wtf ever. I wake up, 6am, to a hate email from him........
"I am taking a break from you on Facebook. I don't think ; blah blah blah..." I don't really remember, but it was listing my flaws as a human being....... out.... of ..... nowhere.
My first reaction, was.... well like everyones, confusion, but then anger. Who the hell does this guy think he is??? But then the reality I don't speak to him made me even more angry, and if he doesn't like what I post on Facebook, just unfollow me! He doesn't know me well enough to have any opinion of me! His opinion of me is none of my business to be honest.
MY REACTION and how it ended horribly- My first email, in a literal attempt to make him see it was silly, and to stop the drama was
"LOL"
This was not a good idea.....
Next email was now a hate email of epic proportion about what an idiot child I was and more of what a horrible person I was.
So now...... Blades of fury erupt. This POS, judgmental, narcissistic, arrogant prick is going to pay. Cue Laura's anger over the course of like 3 emails. My anger that he started this fight to me was justified, as HE started it. (are you seeing it yet?)
HE started the fight, so he deserved every nasty word I said to him. He needed to know what an actual piece of crap HE is.
Which resulted in more nasty emails from him, which resulted in us still no longer, and never again speaking, and him not allowing me access to my Nephew.
What happened here?
My reaction, made me into the person he accused me of being. A childish, idiot. A childish idiot that even though I may not been acting like one before, I sure was acting like one then, and it just justified that first email he wrote. He gets to walk away with his head held high, that I actually AM a childish idiot. And to this day I am pissed. Honestly I am heartbroken. I lost my nephew, and it just feels so nasty inside. I still, months later will be cleaning and just get a pang of anger in my chest, that that SOB started this fight, and that I still want to call him and chew him out.... I am still SO hurt... I am hurt probably because he got to be right. This was when I asked for help to learn the lesson of how I react.
ASSHOLE #2
I have been taking Isiah on as a 4th child for 5 months. He eats 2 meals a day at my house, gets dropped off at 7am, goes home at 7pm, and sleeps over most nights. His parent's are alcoholic and on drugs, so he just came over one day and hasn't left. We all love him so much, he is the older brother Jaxon has been wishing for his entire life.
I have had 3 interactions with the mother, and after the 1st one I told James as we walked away "That woman is dangerous." People who do not take personal responsibility for their lives and actions are literally the most dangerous people on earth in my eyes. Throw in drugs and alcohol, and you have issues. They are squatting in a 2 million dollar home, and most of the interaction was about how hard her life was...... She didn't work, and sat in her room most of the time or slept. (information from her husband and the child.)
I didn't respect her, and I was very concerned to interact with her. I tried so hard however to always offer her support. I quit drinking and smoking, and kindly offered her my way to quit if she had any interest, would offer if she wanted to go to yoga with me, go for a bike ride. I tried. I also knew I couldnt be near her when she was drinking so I decided just to love Isiah and that could be as close as I could get. He did everything we did, we have a pretty fun life and he just came with us. Football games, and beach trips, overnights in hotels and nice meals out. We spoiled his face off because we loved him and just wanted him to have some fun with us.
A few months ago I started getting 1am drunk nasty text messages from her. Nastiness about her husband, or she was leaving to go to a womans shelter. I would never respond, or just text back to ask if I could help her.
One day, James shows me a text from her that said "Sorry I'm texting you, it seems Laura's having problems at the moment." He obviously didn't reply, because texting my husband is wildly inappropriate. I find out later she heard Izzy say we were fighting, so she was trying to infiltrate my marriage and have James say something bad about me. She wanted there to be issues in my marriage to justify the issues in hers. Obviously he didn't reply, as James has already learned this life lesson. She started getting very dominant to her husband and Isiah and would literally break our plans as we were walking out the door. Isiah wouldn't go to school if I didn't bring him, and some days he just wouldn't go to school for a week. I started getting VERY concerned and scared of what was about to happen. I knew she was screwed up.
Last week it finally came..... The text message I was waiting for..... She basically wrote about what the kids were out doing was not OK with her...... Isiah went home 20 minutes prior to ask if he could go. They left, and I get this message that it's not OK and that I was a bad parent basically....... You just told your son it was OK..... wtf.......
I knew the moment it came, sadly I had to end the relationship with Isiah because I couldn't do it anymore. This woman was sick and she was dangerous and I couldn't do it. I slowly replied I was sorry, but I can't be a part of whatever was going on, if she needed to talk to Izzy, they have really good deals on cell phones.
All....hell.....broke loose...... But this time I did something different. I didn't react.
I didn't engage her.
Was I mad? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I WAS MAD> I just raised your son for 5 months while you got drunk! That day I had taken him to get the signatures of an entire AFL team, and we had a beach party! I have fed him for months, and loved him and cared for him....... But mostly, he was Jaxons best friend and this crazy bitch is about to end all of that.
Vanessa went on a rampage. There were about 50 text messages about what a POS I was...... I don't know why, because she literally didn't know me.... She called me these names that were so crazy, and sadly just a reflection of herself. I realized very quickly that she was wildly jealous. I basically am doing everything she wished she could be doing as a wife, mother, human, but she was incapable and she knew that if she could make me react into this shit person that she would be right and justified to be jealous and hateful towards me.
If I attacked back, then she would be right, that skinny rich girls are awful bitches..........
The text messages went for 2 days, horrible words. How sorry she felt for my husband. Not responding sucked. I wanted to kick her teeth in. I just didn't respond. I spoke to people who loved me, and spoke through my hurt. We pointed out what she was going through and made it make sense why she chose to react that way. I forgave her, and realized it really must suck to be her.
That day hurt so much, Jaxon was hurt.... He was so devestated and I was so damn angry that she was the cause of this. I wanted to hurt her.... But I chose not to. I chose. To keep my dignity, and react as a Christian is supposed to. I am not here to fix you, I am here to love you. If I give you back what crap you gave me, I am no better than you. I am going to turn the other cheek, walk away, grieve, hurt, and heal. This is the life lesson.
A week later and sometimes I think about how hurt I am, or how I would sure love to tell her off....what I could say..... But it's going away quickly. With Nik, it's still there because I lost. I big time lost. I am still hurt. With Vanessa, I won. I don't have to be who she wants me to be. I am NOT who she wants me to be.
I can walk away with my head held high, and for once, and realizing what it means to have a bit of class.
Hurts will come, but how you react will change everything.
