Letter to My 13 Year Old Self

Letter to my 13 year old self-

 

Dear Child, calm down.  You are going to be OK.  I am sorry for your times till now, but it will be Ok in the end.

 

Dear child, stop fighting.  You are not in a war with the world.  You are not needing to be in a war with yourself, it is going to get better. Stop hating everyone for what you went through, it wasn’t the world, and the whole world isn’t’ against you.  If you could see the ones waiting to help and love you, you wouldn’t be so focused on those who don’t. Especially your mother.

 

Dear child, your body is perfect.  It doesn’t need to cause you shame.  Silly little twit, you are smooth, thin, and gorgeous in your youth.  Please stop hating it.  It was a gift from God.  What a waste to hate yourself for your looks.  This is not going to change, and is not helpful to anyone.  The girls that called you ugly are only insecure themselves. You are worthy of eating, you are worthy of wearing a bathing suit, you are worthy of having three meals a day.  Your vision of perfection is not realistic.  It is hurtful to your mind.  Those women don’t exist, and you are perfect the way you are. Even if you were a hideous ogre, you are still owrthy of love and will find it.

The reality of your beauty will come, long after it has begun to fade.  When the stretch marks of your children become marks of pride.  When your forehead begins to wrinkle with the questioning faces you have made in learning new things.  With the smile lines around your eyes that were created….from smiling.

 

Dear child, stop hating men and marriage.  You do not have a good model of what a happy family is.  This does not mean you can’t learn a template all your own for a family. You have not seen happy, but you will create it later.  You hate men because they have not treated you well to this point.  You have been taken advantage of, and this wasn’t your fault.  You have put yourself in scary situations because you don’t feel worthy of happiness or love.  This is shit, so stop it.  Stop hurting yourself through men, and in turn hurting them back.

 

Please stop believing you are destined for nothing.  Nik was smarter than you, but did not come out with more knowledge.  Aaron is cuter than you, but did not come out with a better looking spouse.  The way you compare yourselves to them is so pointless in the end.  Their opinions of you do not make your reality, so stop it.  Just stop. You will learn your brothers are just people.  They have their good and their bad, and they are to be respected for things, and despised for things….but mostly respected.  They came from the same mould, just not the same Jello. You are destined for such amazing things girl.  If you would just follow your dreams, from the beginning.  Child, you will live them, just have a bit of self worth to do so.  You are worthy of happiness.

 

Dear child stop hurting others in a bid to make you feel better.  The thing’s you regret are not that you didn’t fight harder, but that you hurt others.  Stop with the loud mouth, big shot, fight the world attitude.  You will regret those moments, and any pain you caused to others.  When you look back, you will see the missed opportunities to help others, the love you could have offered, and the hurt you caused instead.  You are just fighting against your own insecurities.  Child, please stop fighting.  You don’t see the pain you are carrying.  You don’t even see the hurt you carry, you just have flipped it to hatred, and it does nothing but hurt others.

Dear child, there is a God.  He’s the one who changes it around for you in the end.  I pray you knew him sooner, but it all comes in the right time.  You are so afraid of death, and that all is a waste of time.  You aren’t dead for at LEAST 19 years, so chill out about that.  Your obsession, is mostly linked to your feeling of not being worthy of life.  You are.

Child, you are sad for your children.  You say “ I feel sorry for whatever poor soul decides to be my kid” and this is wrong.  You will have children that even if you may not be worthy of them, you will love their faces off.  You will be a good mother.  Not the best, but you will realise there is no “Perfect” mom, and that’s OK.  You will see that as a mother, you can love them, and do the right thing for them; even when the odds are stacked against you. You will find a consistency in you, you never knew existed.  You will learn to apologise, and you will learn to put your selfish self….second.  Have fun with your self centred ways now sweetie, because they fly right out the door in time!

Child forgive them… ALL OF THEM.  Forgive those that make bad choices, and hurt you.  Forgive every human that crosses your path, because if you don’t, the resentment just hangs on you like mud. If you can know that other people are just living their experiences, maybe you can see the good in those people.  Maybe, you could see that you are just living your experiences, and not be so hurt as well.  You don’t need to hate yourself for your choices, just forgive YOU, and learn, and move on. Please child forgive yourself.

Dear child, your life gets better.  I don’t want to tell you how much better, as you may not do anything, and just hang out and wait for 26.  You need to go through your struggles, and you need to learn.  Just be patient.

You are good.  You are kind. You are strong. You are beautiful.  You are worthy.

My 7 year old can't get married

Right...

Look at your prep kid, and tell them they can't get married.

Haven can sit in the front seat now.  He's 7.  I was like 5 when I could sit in the front, Your mom was your seat belt with her arm out. I remember as I have siblings and that was a death match, cage fight, gauging each others eyes out to sit in the front.  He's cool, as he's got 4 years on his sister.  Haven can sit in the front.  Actually I love it.  I can look at him.  I can see my kid as I drive!  When we are alone and driving together we have the best time.  My best times, are when we put on loud music, I drive and dance, Haven mocks me looking like a mentally challenged rhino. Whatever Haven, I was SO cool.... emphasis on WAS.

Today was hard.

Macklemore has this song."Same Love."  It's about being gay.  And Haven loves it.  I am pretty sure the reason was completely sub-conscious as, until our drive  he really didn't get what it ment.  He has a stupid 7 year old playlist that when we are alone in the car he requests in order. 
1. "Party Rockers" Red Foo"
2. "Red Hands" I don't remember who
3. "Same Love." Macklemore,

We got to number three, and we drove as usual.  Today was to the pet shop.

" You always grab my hand when we listen to this song!  You grab my hand at the exact same part!!!"  Haven said.  He was annoyed. 
I do.  Every time she says " I can't change, even if I tried."  I grab his hand when he's in the front seat.  I grab his hand because of every bigoted, horrible, ignorant rant I have ever heard about homosexual and transgender people.  I grab his hand because my kid can't change who he is and always has been.  Even if he tried, even if he wanted to.
"Why do you do that?"

I pulled into the pet shop parking lot, song still in the background.
"Do you know what this song is about?" I asked
"No."  He said, with very curious eyes.
For the first time in my life, I had to look at my 7 year old and tell him. "You can't get married."
My eyes filled with tears and my heart sunk to my stomach.  What the fuck did I just say to him.  Haven looked blankly at me.  His head cocked to the side, and then his eyes closed.  " This song is about the fact that, because you were born who you are, people like you can't get married." 

I had never said it out loud.

Haven did as all men do.  He sucked it in.  He turned his head, and closed his eyes, and a tear came from under his closed lids. 

What the fuck did I just have to say to my child?

Then the irony.  The horrible irony came from his mouth "But I will marry a Christian!"

My faith.  My unwavering faith that Jesus died for our sins, making me a Christian, yet the very people oppressing his rights as a human.  "But I will marry a Christian." 

I can't go to the place that having a baby born to you, with a difference that is so out of the box it causes pure harit has.  Look at whatever kid you see around you.  If they just happen to be different to you, you want to take their human rights away?  I can't do that.  I raised a baby, to a child with kindness, compassion, empathy, caring, understanding, humour, good will, and grace.  That child has friend from 1-100.  He has friends that don't speak the same language.  He has care for his family and sibling as any mother could only dream.  I have the perfect child, who was born different, and even though he would be a better ambassador for the world than anyone for the job, we judge him.

We were on a flight and flying in business class.  At some point Haven leaned over and asked "Why are so many people giving me mean looks?"  I told him most kids don't fly in the front, they are just upset." 
Haven's answer was "Does it cost more to sit up here?  If people want to sit here, I will go back there no problem!" 
That's Haven.

"You can't get married."

There are scientific proofs of what a child needs to be a productive member of society, a good parent, a contributing member, and we did that.  We have a good role model of parenting success on paper.  We have a parent role model, a happy home.  We also have taught a faith and a way to live, and a way to treat others.  My child picks up trash, doesn't discriminate, he has more friends of nationalities other than his own, he actually doesn't know one of his own descent! 
My child.....  Knew a girl was being bullied at school, and made an agreement with is friends.  If his friends has a kid to play with, and this little girl doesn't, then he will go play with her.  THAT is my child.

Kim Kardashian, and all those stupid holly wood bitches can get married for 5 hours, and it not be an issue, but my child, who will love an honour a wife until death.  Will make the commitment as his parents have to cherish and honour his partner; raise his kids to be great people.. He can't get married, but everyone else can?

I never said it out loud.

I believe church and state need to be separate.  Period.  I didn't get "Transgender" until I had to live it, and now my empathy and sympathy for others only unfolded by a million.  People don't "Get" things they don't live", only cementing my stand as an empiricist.

You don't "Get" homosexuality? That's cool, you probably can say you aren't gay.  You don't get "transgender?"  I get that, as only 90 kids out of 21 million are transgender.  Cool,  The reality is your ability to "Get" things are probably only what you have experienced, and that not being one is understandable. It doesn't make it less real, and it doesn't make your ignorance OK. 

We are just who we are.  I have learned that and many other lessons from a kid unlike other kids. 
The day you have to tell your child they can't do something because of the way they were born, I just ask for a moment of thought.  "You can't be you."  Other's don't accept ir. 

There are some stupid fucking Facebook groups about "Stop discrimination against tattooed people."  Are you fucking KIDDING me?  This is a choice!  You weren't born with neck tattoos!  I got a job first princesses, and if you didn't that's a bad judgement call.  STFU!

My child can't get married.  Even though he will support his children, love his wife, and honour his vows.  I have never had to to say that, and now I did, and now I finally feel what it feels to hate the world. 

My child will honour his wife, raise his kids to have respect, and be a contributing member of society.  He will fallow Jesus, and care for others, and because of the way he was born he can't do what his parents role modelled to do.  How the fuck is that right?

I held his hand and cried as I told him he can't get married.