I'm pretty.
It's totally fine if you don't agree right off the bat, as most the time I don't really either. It is however, something I was always told in the spot of "You're smart."
I was never really told I was smart as a kid/adolescent. I got "You are pretty and bright."
This wasn't by a couple people, it was by basically everyone who ever had to describe me, ever. I actually noticed rather quickly, by like 10, the "pretty and bright."
At 30 years old, I have finally found myself, and comfort in who I am completely, so I can whole hearted, say I don't give a hoot what you think about me or my intelligence, however, I can look back and tell that the choices I made in my life, were directed by this opinion of me. The choices I made about college; my mother told me often "college isn't for everyone." and I complied with choosing a career that I could use my artistic talents. I never focused for worried about money, maybe because I never thought myself smart enough to make very much of it.
I was always told what a terrible speller I was, yet as an adult, can very easily spell too, to and two better than a lot of my 30 year old counterparts. I can also correctly use their, they're and there. I'm not the best speller, but I get by with minimal spell check errors, and actually find myself a pretty proficient writer.
I have an older brother with a very high IQ. HE is smart. Very smart, and I was the next kid after him. He could read at 2, and no I am not exaggerating. He was so smart, and school came so easy for him, I think it had a big impact on how people perceived me. I didn't like school at all, and it wasn't hard for me either, I just chose other things over school so I got terrible grades. It wasn't hard for me, I think my mother believed it was just too hard for me, when in reality, I just would rather be outside or with friends, so I chose other things. I was a regular at summer school and correspondence, but this was a choice.
I think as I get older, this stigma has stuck around, and it's not other peoples fault, it is my own. I project that I am not smart, but funny, or crazy, because I was told so often that I feel this is who I have to be. That since no one ever affirmed that I am smart, I just must not be.
Well how silly, and dangerous! I have been to 6 countries, I have friends and experience all over the world. I went to college, and even though it was a trade, I was damn good at it! I have read, and read, and learnt, and engaged with people from everywhere! I let the Jehovah's witnesses in for a chat, I talk to the old lady on the corner talking to herself, I talk to the homeless guys, and have lived through some crap in my life. Am I smart? I'm bloody brilliant, and when I look around at all the sheeple, I am actually smarter than most!I know health, nutrition, parenting, marriage, religion, atheism, God, evolution. I know how to write a book, poverty, wealth and taxes. I know about suffering all over the world, and the reasons behind it. I know love, and hate, and forgiveness, and spirituality. I know, because I am smart.
Now, even though my entire life I was told how "pretty" I was, this wasn't a gift, it was a curse. I couldn't live up to "pretty." I wasn't that pretty. So since it is the only thing I thought I had, It became all I focused on. Weight, and looks, and make up, and the way I dressed. bleh. I was constantly looking for others' approval. Breaking that cycle is so freaking difficult, and I still know so many adults who haven't. I have learnt that no ones opinion of me determines my self worth, but its a continual reminder. The fact is, half the planet thinks I'm butt-ugly. But having that wisdom makes that just as meaning-less as those that think I am pretty.
I think the stigma hindered who I dated, as I wasn't smart enough to date a smart man. When I met my husband, I felt to damn insignificant in intellectual comparison, I almost didn't let myself have an opion about things. How could I because he is THAT smart.
Once, again, and the moral of the story, is when I could realise that others opinions of me do not reveal my reality. James is brilliant at so much that I am not, but then again when it comes to lot's of things, he is kinda a bone-head. No offence to my husband, I am just saying the things I know he doesn't, and some of the stuff he knows I don't. I can't let his IQ determine how intelligent I am.
We need to be aware of how we stereotype our kids, good and bad. Even though you may think you are complimenting them, it can be a bit dangerous. I have an aunt who taught me she never acknowledged her daughters weight or any ones weight in front of her. Her daughter was skinny, and as a society we love to point out how skinny kids are, as well as chubby. By her doing that, it reminded me that weight isn't an issue for kids until YOU make it one for them. Hell, it's one of the principals in my book! I know as we get older, most of us grow and learn about ourselves. Why we are the way we are. Alter the things we don't like, emphasise the things we do. I just hope we can learn that our kids shouldn't be put in boxes, because our opinions mean so much to them. It's easier said than done. I for the life of me can't stop telling Joliet how beautiful she is, or telling Haven how brave he is. But it's food for thought.
P.s. I'm smart, not pretty!
Sunday 25 November 2012
Tuesday 6 November 2012
Just humour me
Actually-
Just humour yourself. Open your mind and think about it for a second. What if......
What if we come to earth only to learn lessons. Before, we come we sit and make a blueprint if you will for the events and things that will happen to us in life. The choices we make, prayers we pray, and fate all play into this life, and that is why we have free will and free choice.
Yes, your life is mapped out, but it's our decisions that are why we learn.
Why would you come? Heaven is perfect. There is NO pain, so suffering, so death. Eternity in heaven is amazing, but what do you learn from the good bits? What do you learn when it's easy? Not as much as you learn from the hard bits. The pain, the loss. You learn from the challenges, and the defeats. That's why we come. We come here to learn. That's all.
So what do you chose? You chose your family. All the big things. All those huge moments that stick out in your memory. The childhood illness, the loss of a best friend. The first kiss. You chose your partner, where you live, and the job. You chose the drug addiction, the alcoholic mother, the tragedy. Your confrontations that make you thrive and grow.
The reason it makes sense for everyone in every situation, is look at any celebrity. The only people you "know" that have had their lives publicly displayed for you. Let's chose Britney Spears. She sat down with her blueprint of life. WHAT AN AWESOME BLUEPRINT! She becomes a child star, then her rise to fame, then drug addiction and loss, then the love, and the kids, and the losses. What an awesome blueprint! What a story to tell.
What does your blueprint look like? What bullet points did you create? My own life, is so filthy amazing it makes me giddy. That what I have learned in the past 31 years, and the ups and downs. The drama and joy, the love and loss. That extreme pain that I can carry, deal with, forgive, master, and create is a gift. If only I had the memory to write it all out! Those hard bits were the learning, the love was the reward and reason to keep going through it all.
*Married parents and 2 brothers
*Parents divorce at 5
*Spend life vying for fathers attention
*Moving schools 11 times in 12 years
*Drug addiction
*High school love
*Mother dies
*Alcoholic
*Becoming single mother
*Quincy Hoss
*Losing best friend
*Finding God
*Finding my husband
*Children
*Australia
*Father died
*Failed adoptions
Like, this life is so freaking awesome!! Most of those bullet points were the hard things. And I can tell you the lessons learnt from every single one. It was the hard that got me to the good, and I am assuming it is the same for you.
It works, look at your life? I would love to hear your bullet points! I would love to hear the hard that you went through and how you either conquered it or are yet to overcome it? If it made you stronger, or killed you?
It's your beautiful soul here to learn. What lessons will you take with you when you die?
This even works for the souls with the most suffering. What about a child born with downs syndrom. Why would someone chose that? Because those are the bravest souls. They are learning so much through the hard, and the pain. You don't know. The starving kids in Africa, those are the brave souls. Those are the ones we should be helping, as they are the ones who took on the hardest lives. They are the ones to admire, as they are the ones learning the most. All temporary, all until we leave the earth.
Love life! It was your choice in the first place ;)
Just humour yourself. Open your mind and think about it for a second. What if......
What if we come to earth only to learn lessons. Before, we come we sit and make a blueprint if you will for the events and things that will happen to us in life. The choices we make, prayers we pray, and fate all play into this life, and that is why we have free will and free choice.
Yes, your life is mapped out, but it's our decisions that are why we learn.
Why would you come? Heaven is perfect. There is NO pain, so suffering, so death. Eternity in heaven is amazing, but what do you learn from the good bits? What do you learn when it's easy? Not as much as you learn from the hard bits. The pain, the loss. You learn from the challenges, and the defeats. That's why we come. We come here to learn. That's all.
So what do you chose? You chose your family. All the big things. All those huge moments that stick out in your memory. The childhood illness, the loss of a best friend. The first kiss. You chose your partner, where you live, and the job. You chose the drug addiction, the alcoholic mother, the tragedy. Your confrontations that make you thrive and grow.
The reason it makes sense for everyone in every situation, is look at any celebrity. The only people you "know" that have had their lives publicly displayed for you. Let's chose Britney Spears. She sat down with her blueprint of life. WHAT AN AWESOME BLUEPRINT! She becomes a child star, then her rise to fame, then drug addiction and loss, then the love, and the kids, and the losses. What an awesome blueprint! What a story to tell.
What does your blueprint look like? What bullet points did you create? My own life, is so filthy amazing it makes me giddy. That what I have learned in the past 31 years, and the ups and downs. The drama and joy, the love and loss. That extreme pain that I can carry, deal with, forgive, master, and create is a gift. If only I had the memory to write it all out! Those hard bits were the learning, the love was the reward and reason to keep going through it all.
*Married parents and 2 brothers
*Parents divorce at 5
*Spend life vying for fathers attention
*Moving schools 11 times in 12 years
*Drug addiction
*High school love
*Mother dies
*Alcoholic
*Becoming single mother
*Quincy Hoss
*Losing best friend
*Finding God
*Finding my husband
*Children
*Australia
*Father died
*Failed adoptions
Like, this life is so freaking awesome!! Most of those bullet points were the hard things. And I can tell you the lessons learnt from every single one. It was the hard that got me to the good, and I am assuming it is the same for you.
It works, look at your life? I would love to hear your bullet points! I would love to hear the hard that you went through and how you either conquered it or are yet to overcome it? If it made you stronger, or killed you?
It's your beautiful soul here to learn. What lessons will you take with you when you die?
This even works for the souls with the most suffering. What about a child born with downs syndrom. Why would someone chose that? Because those are the bravest souls. They are learning so much through the hard, and the pain. You don't know. The starving kids in Africa, those are the brave souls. Those are the ones we should be helping, as they are the ones who took on the hardest lives. They are the ones to admire, as they are the ones learning the most. All temporary, all until we leave the earth.
Love life! It was your choice in the first place ;)
Monday 17 September 2012
The 2nd Baby
"James, there's another baby...."
What? Where? Why? Do you think you are up for it? Can you emotionally handel it?
"I am so emotionally screwed up, that a decision to parent really wouldn't phase me. We have spent $40,000, I'm in America, I still want a baby, losing Titus or not, I am still looking for my child. Can we try?"
Well, yes. We can try.
I sent in the request to be submitted to adopt a baby girl. A girl? Man I wanted a boy. I always wanted a little boy. I had a psychologist once tell me Haven has a gender disorder because he had heard me say how badly I wanted a little boy. All crap, as Joliet knows how badly I want a little boy and basically craps rainbows, pink, butterflies and barbies! But after losing Titus, I just wanted a healthy baby. A healthy, not seizing, able to enter the country, child to love and adore.
We spent the day at my old barber shop with my awesome old boss. Oh, how I loved my job. It was a happy, funny, party all day with laughing and bitching, and awesomeness. She let me play with her twin grand babies, and we had fun putting them both on James' lap. The look of terror on his face confirmed his NO TWINS policy. Fun day! As I get done telling my story of Titus, and our loss, we are walking out the door and I get a text message.
"WE GOT SELECTED TO ADOPT THE BABY GIRL!!!!"
shut......up.
Oh my God, it's a girl. I shout the news, and my old boss hears. "This is how you adopt babies in America? By TEXT MESSAGE?!?!" Well, yes. In a way. After being through the American adoption system, I have a few observations. One is that yes, you can get notified you are a parent by text message. Five minutes later I was on the phone with the facilitator. She said she would conference call the birth mother right then so I could speak to her. Since I had spoken to a birth mother before, this wasn't scary. The first time I think my gosh what do I say? Now I'm like, put that woman on the phone! We have things to discuss!!
She was shy, quiet, and sweet. I think I was a bit over bearing, and the facilitator mentioned after the call that I really barely let her talk. Well, sorry, but I just lost a baby, and I wasn't gonna pussy-foot around with this one.
"Listen Jane, (name changed) I will love you, support you, and be there for you, but I can not lose another child. You can change your mind up until the second I walk in the room and meet that baby do you understand? I will never be angry if you decide to parent, but we are in this together now. You need to talk to me, you need to be completely honest here. I promise I will never lie to you or your baby, but you need to promise right now, that you wont lie to me."
She hung up the phone with me and told the facilitator I was her daughters mother and she loved me.
Baby was due in 7 days. I was in Denver, she was in North Carolina. We spoke and text messaged 30 times a day. She was 22, a single mom to a 4 year old. She tried her best, but she couldn't do another baby on her own. We had a pretty open adoption plan, and I knew she was brave as hell for going through this. How completely scary.
The day before her induction James and I packed up. Headed to LaGuardia. Strangely dad got a bit lost. Still in the car she calls me. "I can't do this. " She was hysterical. Well, I didn't meet the baby yet, so we turned the car around and drove home. I got in bed, and cried myself to sleep for a bit. I usually sleep when it hurts.
6pm the same night the facilitator called. "Jane called me and apologised, she still wants to go through with the adoption."
James said under no circumstance should I go before she signs the paperwork, and so did the facilitator. Under no circumstance should I go. Well, you know me! I decided that if she did decide to parent, I was fully prepared. I had just felt it, so it wasn't a big deal. If she did go through with the adoption and this was my baby, then I needed to be there to welcome her into the world. I refused to miss her out of fear.
So I left. Parents and husband shaking their heads as I left, but I got on that plane.
I met her at the hospital. It was a big awkward, but OK. She was ready, and so was I. There was no one there, just her and I. We started her induction, and started our loooong wait. We spent all day talking, and getting to know each other. That night about 7pm the father of the baby walks in the room. Well, first of all I didn't think there WAS a father of the baby, and second, WHAT THE FUCK?! I think that was my exact text message to James.
The father walked over to me, shy, hangs his head and shakes my head. I smile and go back to playing on my ipad. He sits next to Jane and starts talking about whatever. I couldn't hear them. He leaves after a bit and I just stared at Jane... Um??? "Well that was weird." She said. "His daughter was in the ER so he came up to say hi." Reallllllly........ what the fuck. About 4 hours later around 10:30pm, there was still nothing going on labour wise. They were about to give up and let her sleep for a few hours as she wasn't dilating, and the contractions were weak. I helped her get an epidural, and we got comfy for the night. Then knock knock, here comes the father again. He sits down next to me, and just starts talking. He tells me how he has 3 degrees but they live in that little town and he couldn't find a job. He just couldn't support another kid. I told him about me, and Australia, and our family, and everything. I told him everything. He said he was happy I was adopting her and left for the night.
Joliets birthday is the 21st, Haven 23rd, Me 24th, James 25th. We needed a 22nd to complete our number chart. This baby was induced the 21st, but waited to come until 3am on the 22nd. I sure thought that was a sign! Our 22nd!!!!!
12am I finally went back to the hotel. I was exhausted from hospital life and needed to sleep. 3am I get the phone call she is finally dilated. Back to the hospital! Labour went well, quick, and easy. Jane was a trooper with pain, and barely made a sound! I was the only one with her. Held her leg, helped basically deliver the baby, and cut the umbilical cord myself! It's a girl! Holy crap!!!
The doctors had to run to an emergency down the hall, so I stayed with the baby. Jane really needed to distance herself, which I thought was brave as well, so I gave the baby tonnes of love. Just spent our time. About an hour later the father came in. He took one look at her, and his face changed. The baby looked exactly like him, and I think he realised it in that second. Yikes. He said to me. "I will bring my paperwork back tomorrow." Then he left.
The next day Jane, baby and me all spent time together. I let them take a nap alone, and Jane let me breastfeed the baby. I named her Kiri. Don't know why, she just looked like a Kiri. I went to lunch that day and called James.. I knew this wasn't my baby. I was so hurt by Titus that I knew I wasn't letting myself bond with the baby. The fact is, I didn't bond with Joliet right away. How funny. Joliet is now the light of my life, so I knew bonding would come. I just didn't feel like this was my baby.
James was thrilled that I didn't bond, because that meant if anything were to go wrong, I would be able to cope emotionally. North Carolina has a 7 day revocation period. The highest of any state. That meant, that the birth mother could change her mind anytime up to 7 days. That's a LONG time in adoption world.
The next morning was adoption day. I had bought Titus literally $1500 worth of stuff, he was the best dressed baby in the NICU baby! When I left, I left everything with him, so I didn't want to do that again. So now that papers were being drawn up and I was able to take Kiri home, I finally went to the mall to get the stuff I needed. Pretty fun actually! About 11am, it was back to the hospital with my stuff, car seat and all. Once again, I was sitting in the waiting room ready for my baby, car seat and diaper bag. What a silly sight that must be for whomever walked by. I signed my adoption paperwork, and she signed hers. She said the father was on his way with his signed paperwork.
And we waited.....and waited....and waited. To be honest I wasn't worried, I kinda just thought he couldn't be bothered. I finally went to get some lunch as I hadn't eaten all day. During lunch Jane calls me and says he just showed up. I told her to spend some time together, take all the time they need, as we both knew this would be the last time they would spend face to face. I cried for her pain, and told her I could be in the waiting room when they were ready.
I was in the waiting room. Son of a bitch.
Jane walked in crying.
"He is keeping her. He said he spoke to a lawyer, asked to sign paternity papers, and is now taking full custody of the baby."
What. The. Fuck.
So just to clarify what this man did. The mother had signed away her rights to that baby that moment, so the father after declaring paternity, was able to swoop in, take the baby, and avoid court, child support, custody hearings. He cheated the entire system. Well he did say he had three degrees!
My reaction was surprising. I wanted to kick the door in, but I hugged her, told her I'm sorry but I need her to walk in the room, bring me every single thing I had bought that little girl (Sorry, but that SOB wants to be a daddy, then get started mate!)
She brought my stuff, I ripped my arm band off and walked out alone. With an empty car seat again. Again.
I have to admit, that I reacted poorly after, I was just SO MAD. The reality is that wasn't my baby and I knew it, I would always have compared her to Titus, and she just wasn't mine. I went back to the hotel alone, and Jay, oh I forgot to mention Jay...... Jay was a 21 year old hotel manager. He was delightful, and became my friend while I was in North Carolina. I had no one to talk to, so I would enlist Jay, and basically told him my entire adoption story. He was so excited when I left to go get the baby, he had the hotel room all set up with baby stuff. Jay.... God bless Jay. Anyways, I went back to the hotel to Jay. he was devastated with me.
There was a miracle. I have a friend in Australia, who just happened to be in America, and just happened to be going to north Carolina. And I needed her. My friend Karen, flew in to be with me. Jay thought it was pretty cool there were two Australians in North Carolina. My friend ate with me, spoke with me, and the fact she was there, I slept that night. She gave me a gift so amazing. Don;t know how much that might have cost her, but to me it was priceless.
I slept.
So then I was gone again. Back to my husband and beautiful kids. And that was the 2nd baby.
LL
What? Where? Why? Do you think you are up for it? Can you emotionally handel it?
"I am so emotionally screwed up, that a decision to parent really wouldn't phase me. We have spent $40,000, I'm in America, I still want a baby, losing Titus or not, I am still looking for my child. Can we try?"
Well, yes. We can try.
I sent in the request to be submitted to adopt a baby girl. A girl? Man I wanted a boy. I always wanted a little boy. I had a psychologist once tell me Haven has a gender disorder because he had heard me say how badly I wanted a little boy. All crap, as Joliet knows how badly I want a little boy and basically craps rainbows, pink, butterflies and barbies! But after losing Titus, I just wanted a healthy baby. A healthy, not seizing, able to enter the country, child to love and adore.
We spent the day at my old barber shop with my awesome old boss. Oh, how I loved my job. It was a happy, funny, party all day with laughing and bitching, and awesomeness. She let me play with her twin grand babies, and we had fun putting them both on James' lap. The look of terror on his face confirmed his NO TWINS policy. Fun day! As I get done telling my story of Titus, and our loss, we are walking out the door and I get a text message.
"WE GOT SELECTED TO ADOPT THE BABY GIRL!!!!"
shut......up.
Oh my God, it's a girl. I shout the news, and my old boss hears. "This is how you adopt babies in America? By TEXT MESSAGE?!?!" Well, yes. In a way. After being through the American adoption system, I have a few observations. One is that yes, you can get notified you are a parent by text message. Five minutes later I was on the phone with the facilitator. She said she would conference call the birth mother right then so I could speak to her. Since I had spoken to a birth mother before, this wasn't scary. The first time I think my gosh what do I say? Now I'm like, put that woman on the phone! We have things to discuss!!
She was shy, quiet, and sweet. I think I was a bit over bearing, and the facilitator mentioned after the call that I really barely let her talk. Well, sorry, but I just lost a baby, and I wasn't gonna pussy-foot around with this one.
"Listen Jane, (name changed) I will love you, support you, and be there for you, but I can not lose another child. You can change your mind up until the second I walk in the room and meet that baby do you understand? I will never be angry if you decide to parent, but we are in this together now. You need to talk to me, you need to be completely honest here. I promise I will never lie to you or your baby, but you need to promise right now, that you wont lie to me."
She hung up the phone with me and told the facilitator I was her daughters mother and she loved me.
Baby was due in 7 days. I was in Denver, she was in North Carolina. We spoke and text messaged 30 times a day. She was 22, a single mom to a 4 year old. She tried her best, but she couldn't do another baby on her own. We had a pretty open adoption plan, and I knew she was brave as hell for going through this. How completely scary.
The day before her induction James and I packed up. Headed to LaGuardia. Strangely dad got a bit lost. Still in the car she calls me. "I can't do this. " She was hysterical. Well, I didn't meet the baby yet, so we turned the car around and drove home. I got in bed, and cried myself to sleep for a bit. I usually sleep when it hurts.
6pm the same night the facilitator called. "Jane called me and apologised, she still wants to go through with the adoption."
James said under no circumstance should I go before she signs the paperwork, and so did the facilitator. Under no circumstance should I go. Well, you know me! I decided that if she did decide to parent, I was fully prepared. I had just felt it, so it wasn't a big deal. If she did go through with the adoption and this was my baby, then I needed to be there to welcome her into the world. I refused to miss her out of fear.
So I left. Parents and husband shaking their heads as I left, but I got on that plane.
I met her at the hospital. It was a big awkward, but OK. She was ready, and so was I. There was no one there, just her and I. We started her induction, and started our loooong wait. We spent all day talking, and getting to know each other. That night about 7pm the father of the baby walks in the room. Well, first of all I didn't think there WAS a father of the baby, and second, WHAT THE FUCK?! I think that was my exact text message to James.
The father walked over to me, shy, hangs his head and shakes my head. I smile and go back to playing on my ipad. He sits next to Jane and starts talking about whatever. I couldn't hear them. He leaves after a bit and I just stared at Jane... Um??? "Well that was weird." She said. "His daughter was in the ER so he came up to say hi." Reallllllly........ what the fuck. About 4 hours later around 10:30pm, there was still nothing going on labour wise. They were about to give up and let her sleep for a few hours as she wasn't dilating, and the contractions were weak. I helped her get an epidural, and we got comfy for the night. Then knock knock, here comes the father again. He sits down next to me, and just starts talking. He tells me how he has 3 degrees but they live in that little town and he couldn't find a job. He just couldn't support another kid. I told him about me, and Australia, and our family, and everything. I told him everything. He said he was happy I was adopting her and left for the night.
Joliets birthday is the 21st, Haven 23rd, Me 24th, James 25th. We needed a 22nd to complete our number chart. This baby was induced the 21st, but waited to come until 3am on the 22nd. I sure thought that was a sign! Our 22nd!!!!!
12am I finally went back to the hotel. I was exhausted from hospital life and needed to sleep. 3am I get the phone call she is finally dilated. Back to the hospital! Labour went well, quick, and easy. Jane was a trooper with pain, and barely made a sound! I was the only one with her. Held her leg, helped basically deliver the baby, and cut the umbilical cord myself! It's a girl! Holy crap!!!
The doctors had to run to an emergency down the hall, so I stayed with the baby. Jane really needed to distance herself, which I thought was brave as well, so I gave the baby tonnes of love. Just spent our time. About an hour later the father came in. He took one look at her, and his face changed. The baby looked exactly like him, and I think he realised it in that second. Yikes. He said to me. "I will bring my paperwork back tomorrow." Then he left.
The next day Jane, baby and me all spent time together. I let them take a nap alone, and Jane let me breastfeed the baby. I named her Kiri. Don't know why, she just looked like a Kiri. I went to lunch that day and called James.. I knew this wasn't my baby. I was so hurt by Titus that I knew I wasn't letting myself bond with the baby. The fact is, I didn't bond with Joliet right away. How funny. Joliet is now the light of my life, so I knew bonding would come. I just didn't feel like this was my baby.
James was thrilled that I didn't bond, because that meant if anything were to go wrong, I would be able to cope emotionally. North Carolina has a 7 day revocation period. The highest of any state. That meant, that the birth mother could change her mind anytime up to 7 days. That's a LONG time in adoption world.
The next morning was adoption day. I had bought Titus literally $1500 worth of stuff, he was the best dressed baby in the NICU baby! When I left, I left everything with him, so I didn't want to do that again. So now that papers were being drawn up and I was able to take Kiri home, I finally went to the mall to get the stuff I needed. Pretty fun actually! About 11am, it was back to the hospital with my stuff, car seat and all. Once again, I was sitting in the waiting room ready for my baby, car seat and diaper bag. What a silly sight that must be for whomever walked by. I signed my adoption paperwork, and she signed hers. She said the father was on his way with his signed paperwork.
And we waited.....and waited....and waited. To be honest I wasn't worried, I kinda just thought he couldn't be bothered. I finally went to get some lunch as I hadn't eaten all day. During lunch Jane calls me and says he just showed up. I told her to spend some time together, take all the time they need, as we both knew this would be the last time they would spend face to face. I cried for her pain, and told her I could be in the waiting room when they were ready.
I was in the waiting room. Son of a bitch.
Jane walked in crying.
"He is keeping her. He said he spoke to a lawyer, asked to sign paternity papers, and is now taking full custody of the baby."
What. The. Fuck.
So just to clarify what this man did. The mother had signed away her rights to that baby that moment, so the father after declaring paternity, was able to swoop in, take the baby, and avoid court, child support, custody hearings. He cheated the entire system. Well he did say he had three degrees!
My reaction was surprising. I wanted to kick the door in, but I hugged her, told her I'm sorry but I need her to walk in the room, bring me every single thing I had bought that little girl (Sorry, but that SOB wants to be a daddy, then get started mate!)
She brought my stuff, I ripped my arm band off and walked out alone. With an empty car seat again. Again.
I have to admit, that I reacted poorly after, I was just SO MAD. The reality is that wasn't my baby and I knew it, I would always have compared her to Titus, and she just wasn't mine. I went back to the hotel alone, and Jay, oh I forgot to mention Jay...... Jay was a 21 year old hotel manager. He was delightful, and became my friend while I was in North Carolina. I had no one to talk to, so I would enlist Jay, and basically told him my entire adoption story. He was so excited when I left to go get the baby, he had the hotel room all set up with baby stuff. Jay.... God bless Jay. Anyways, I went back to the hotel to Jay. he was devastated with me.
There was a miracle. I have a friend in Australia, who just happened to be in America, and just happened to be going to north Carolina. And I needed her. My friend Karen, flew in to be with me. Jay thought it was pretty cool there were two Australians in North Carolina. My friend ate with me, spoke with me, and the fact she was there, I slept that night. She gave me a gift so amazing. Don;t know how much that might have cost her, but to me it was priceless.
I slept.
So then I was gone again. Back to my husband and beautiful kids. And that was the 2nd baby.
LL
Saturday 15 September 2012
Salvation
James doesn't get it. He watches me in a shocked/scared/helpless fashion. Someone has said something unkind, hurt someone else, not taken responsibility for themselves, or performed some small injustice against another human being....and I am devastated.
He has no clue what to do with me... "So you're saying the woman at the checkout was rude to another customer....and you are now curled in a ball on the living room floor?"
Yea, that about covers it. He doesn't get why my heart gets so fully hurt from the world, especially when 5 years ago, I could give a damn about you, or you, or that guy. You couldn't hurt my feelings with a led pipe! You said something that offended me? I would just punch you in the face! Who cares!!!!
Well, there is a reason all that changed. I sometimes wonder if it was a blessing or a curse. Softening my heart, and caring. It was very much easier just to despise everyone, and only look out for myself. It was easier not trying, not wanting to help others, and just fully being self obsessed and truly unkind.
I was a drunk. I found this really wicked awesome way of staying thin at the same time! It has a buzz word name now of "alcorexic" Oh buzz words... *eyes rolling.* I would drink coffee until about 4pm, then drink beer till I passed out! Never hungry, super skinny, and yes, about to literally die. I could go for 5 days with no food. I was young enough that the make up kept me presentable. I knew how much I could drink so hang overs stopped hurting.
I was a single mother, and I loved Haven more than I loved myself, but I could not stop drinking for her. I could not stop drinking for anyone. I loved my child, but the fact was, she was better without me. The day I realised that, was the day I was saved.
I used to think of Christians, especially when they used the word "Getting Saved" as the most self righteous, annoying people. How dare you tell me you are "saved" and I'm not? Why are you so special? Yea, I didn't get it.
I will always remember the day it happened. Haven was at daycare and I got on my knees in my apartment alone. "God, if you are there, I need you. I can't do my life anymore. I need you to take my life completely as I suck at running it, or I am going to take my own life. Haven is better off without me." And that's all it took. Me humbling myself to any power greater than myself. That day changed me forever. I was "saved."
How does this make me a nice person? Christians usually aren't that nice. They picket funerals, and hate gay people.....yea, getting to that.
So after recovery, getting healthy, and completely reconnecting with Haven. All by the grace of God, I could not do that on my own, as I tried to do it over and over. All glory be to God, means that a miracle happened to me, and I take no credit. I prayed my way to finding James and moving to Australia. I prayed my way into a church, a real church, where I heard about Jesus.
To make it simple. God starts and ends in my heart, with the message of Jesus. You could disprove Jesus, and I would still hold onto his message. You could disprove God, and I would still live by the message of Jesus. There is nothing science can throw at me that can 1. Discredit God saving a wretch like me 2. disprove my having a continual daily relationship with God and 3. That Jesus' message, is the most important message ever created for man.
What gets me wound up, is how many people don't know the message, and how many CHRISTIANS forget the message completely, and go off making the rest of us look like hate filled crack heads!!!!
So what is it?
I am loved, and I am forgiven. I am forgiven, because there is not a single human on earth that does not sin. God loves me warts and all. Grace, I do not deserve forgiveness, because when it comes down to listing all the horrible shit I have done in my life, I promise I am up there with Hitler. Forgiveness, I must forgive others for not being who I want them to be. I am probably not who they ordered either. This be a murderer, rapist, a car jacker, my father. I chose to forgive, because I am not who others have wanted me to be either. I will forgive you. Jesus forgave me. And the part of the message, that most the Christians are forgetting, is judgement.
You can judge no one, less you be judged.
Why did the whole church full of people just miss this? I got it day one! And I live by it. I don't always live it, because I am fallible, but I heard it, I understand it, and I accept it as fact, truth, and the way to world peace.
So what happened when I held myself open to Gods love, was a softening of my heart? This was the curse/blessing. It can't be hard and hateful anymore, because hate fights off love. I have love, and give love, even when it hurts so bad it almost kills me. (Titus.) The pain I felt losing my adopted son, was the pain I feared my entire life. If I had never loved that much, I would never have to be in that much pain if I lost that person. I felt the pain, and I do not regret the love I gave.
So the reason, that it hurts me so badly, is that every time someone hurts another person, or sets up hate fan pages against disabled kids, or wont take responsibility for their actions, or is rude to someone else, or hateful, or hurtful... It's because my heart is soft now, and it means that that angry, hurtful person, hasn't heard the message. They have not heard the message, that now allows me to love others. That hateful, judgemental person, didn't hear the message that saved my life, and gave the other three people in this house a family. The woman at the checkout who was so rude, didn't hear about grace. It physically hurts, that the world could now be in peace, if we all just heard the message.
I argue with some Christians about homosexuality, as there are things listed in the bible about it. So, they will go quote text from other parts of the bible.... They forgot the only part of the bible that really matters. Jesus, judge no one. And Jesus loves you.. you. and you, and the gay person, and the ass hole, and the alcoholic. God loves everyone.
So today I was dumb-founded by a person I don't know who has created an agenda from my child's hardships. And I cry. I cry and I cry, that she didn't hear the message of peace and love, and that instead she is a bigot ass hole. A bigot ass hole, that one day could affect how my child functions in the world. And it affects my life, and it hurts my heart. But I forgive her. I have to, but it still hurts me. I can admit my pain now.So I cry. But I don't regret finding God, or Love, as I prefer to call it. It has brought me my husband, and kids, and seriously amazing friends. Love has brought me help for others, and amazing experiences. Love has also kicked my ass because it hurts when others don't get it. They chose otherwise.
I went 5 years without crying. I was proud of that. Now, I boast in my weakness, that I cry everyday, and will continue to love.. even when it hurts.
Laura
He has no clue what to do with me... "So you're saying the woman at the checkout was rude to another customer....and you are now curled in a ball on the living room floor?"
Yea, that about covers it. He doesn't get why my heart gets so fully hurt from the world, especially when 5 years ago, I could give a damn about you, or you, or that guy. You couldn't hurt my feelings with a led pipe! You said something that offended me? I would just punch you in the face! Who cares!!!!
Well, there is a reason all that changed. I sometimes wonder if it was a blessing or a curse. Softening my heart, and caring. It was very much easier just to despise everyone, and only look out for myself. It was easier not trying, not wanting to help others, and just fully being self obsessed and truly unkind.
I was a drunk. I found this really wicked awesome way of staying thin at the same time! It has a buzz word name now of "alcorexic" Oh buzz words... *eyes rolling.* I would drink coffee until about 4pm, then drink beer till I passed out! Never hungry, super skinny, and yes, about to literally die. I could go for 5 days with no food. I was young enough that the make up kept me presentable. I knew how much I could drink so hang overs stopped hurting.
I was a single mother, and I loved Haven more than I loved myself, but I could not stop drinking for her. I could not stop drinking for anyone. I loved my child, but the fact was, she was better without me. The day I realised that, was the day I was saved.
I used to think of Christians, especially when they used the word "Getting Saved" as the most self righteous, annoying people. How dare you tell me you are "saved" and I'm not? Why are you so special? Yea, I didn't get it.
I will always remember the day it happened. Haven was at daycare and I got on my knees in my apartment alone. "God, if you are there, I need you. I can't do my life anymore. I need you to take my life completely as I suck at running it, or I am going to take my own life. Haven is better off without me." And that's all it took. Me humbling myself to any power greater than myself. That day changed me forever. I was "saved."
How does this make me a nice person? Christians usually aren't that nice. They picket funerals, and hate gay people.....yea, getting to that.
So after recovery, getting healthy, and completely reconnecting with Haven. All by the grace of God, I could not do that on my own, as I tried to do it over and over. All glory be to God, means that a miracle happened to me, and I take no credit. I prayed my way to finding James and moving to Australia. I prayed my way into a church, a real church, where I heard about Jesus.
To make it simple. God starts and ends in my heart, with the message of Jesus. You could disprove Jesus, and I would still hold onto his message. You could disprove God, and I would still live by the message of Jesus. There is nothing science can throw at me that can 1. Discredit God saving a wretch like me 2. disprove my having a continual daily relationship with God and 3. That Jesus' message, is the most important message ever created for man.
What gets me wound up, is how many people don't know the message, and how many CHRISTIANS forget the message completely, and go off making the rest of us look like hate filled crack heads!!!!
So what is it?
I am loved, and I am forgiven. I am forgiven, because there is not a single human on earth that does not sin. God loves me warts and all. Grace, I do not deserve forgiveness, because when it comes down to listing all the horrible shit I have done in my life, I promise I am up there with Hitler. Forgiveness, I must forgive others for not being who I want them to be. I am probably not who they ordered either. This be a murderer, rapist, a car jacker, my father. I chose to forgive, because I am not who others have wanted me to be either. I will forgive you. Jesus forgave me. And the part of the message, that most the Christians are forgetting, is judgement.
You can judge no one, less you be judged.
Why did the whole church full of people just miss this? I got it day one! And I live by it. I don't always live it, because I am fallible, but I heard it, I understand it, and I accept it as fact, truth, and the way to world peace.
So what happened when I held myself open to Gods love, was a softening of my heart? This was the curse/blessing. It can't be hard and hateful anymore, because hate fights off love. I have love, and give love, even when it hurts so bad it almost kills me. (Titus.) The pain I felt losing my adopted son, was the pain I feared my entire life. If I had never loved that much, I would never have to be in that much pain if I lost that person. I felt the pain, and I do not regret the love I gave.
So the reason, that it hurts me so badly, is that every time someone hurts another person, or sets up hate fan pages against disabled kids, or wont take responsibility for their actions, or is rude to someone else, or hateful, or hurtful... It's because my heart is soft now, and it means that that angry, hurtful person, hasn't heard the message. They have not heard the message, that now allows me to love others. That hateful, judgemental person, didn't hear the message that saved my life, and gave the other three people in this house a family. The woman at the checkout who was so rude, didn't hear about grace. It physically hurts, that the world could now be in peace, if we all just heard the message.
I argue with some Christians about homosexuality, as there are things listed in the bible about it. So, they will go quote text from other parts of the bible.... They forgot the only part of the bible that really matters. Jesus, judge no one. And Jesus loves you.. you. and you, and the gay person, and the ass hole, and the alcoholic. God loves everyone.
So today I was dumb-founded by a person I don't know who has created an agenda from my child's hardships. And I cry. I cry and I cry, that she didn't hear the message of peace and love, and that instead she is a bigot ass hole. A bigot ass hole, that one day could affect how my child functions in the world. And it affects my life, and it hurts my heart. But I forgive her. I have to, but it still hurts me. I can admit my pain now.So I cry. But I don't regret finding God, or Love, as I prefer to call it. It has brought me my husband, and kids, and seriously amazing friends. Love has brought me help for others, and amazing experiences. Love has also kicked my ass because it hurts when others don't get it. They chose otherwise.
I went 5 years without crying. I was proud of that. Now, I boast in my weakness, that I cry everyday, and will continue to love.. even when it hurts.
Laura
Tuesday 11 September 2012
"Why do I only hear about it on Facebook?!"
Well, I'll tell you why, I realise I have to process everything out loud. Do you know that bottle that you cram all your emotions in deep down and never talk about them? No, me neither! It comes in my brain, and out my mouth. I can't not talk about it. Can I keep a secret? Sure, until I see someone else, then I will tell that person. Not because I don't care about you, but because I can't process it in my head without talking about it first.
If I process something in my head it goes like this; I got mugged in the park and my purse was stolen....... What did I look like on my drivers license photo? Wonder how much I weighed on it. What's for lunch? That's a cute dog, I like dogs.
See, doesn't complete it's transaction. So that, THAT is why I always talk about it on Facebook. I need to process out loud. I think that is part of when you know you are a writer. When it just comes easier out loud, to the world. It just makes sense this way.
I don't really want to hear about it anymore, so now I will blog. There is too much shit in my life, not to talk about it. I should write a book, but I guess this will have to do for now. Especially with the fact I don't really "follow through" with much of anything. All my intentions are good, ending famine in the Congo through Goats for Life, Raising money for the Roberts Family, writing a cookbook, adopting babies, so on and so fourth. It only gets to a really great idea, a start of action, then a hard core head flop. Not sure where the head flop comes into play.
I went to get my 6 week ultrasound today. Now I have to start my blog backwards because it doesn't make sense going from the beginning. Shit, the beginning was probably when I was 5 years old, so lets just go Quentin Terintino for a second, and see how the story unfolds?
Tanya my best friend by my side. I can't do much alone, but I am really good at pretending I'm not afraid until after the fact. Like, when Tanya had to come to get the lump on my breast examined. We always have fun in the waiting rooms laughing and making inappropriate jokes about finding my husband a new wife on e harmony before I die. I did almost do that. I got as far as to writing a Nanny job description. If I was going to have breast cancer, we could have someone watch the kids appropriately at least. I am great at the jokes of my impending doom, and Tanya is great at reading through my bullshit, and knowing the perfect moment after the test to let me cry in her arms from the built up tension. Every woman needs a girlfriend like that.
This time wasn't much different from the breast cancer scare. I am pregnant. Fine and fun for most, scary as hell for me. I have lost the last two pregnancies. Both at 7 weeks. Both in the last 6 months. Fuck. Pregnant again. Don't get me wrong, I want a baby more than anything in this world right now, and I promise you if I don't have another child I will embark on a crazy cat lady endeavour of such epic proportion.... One of which the world has never seen!!! So yes, I want a baby... I just don't want to lose another baby.
I honestly used to think "You miscarried? Um, boo hoo dude, you were pregnant for like a second.... You didn't know the baby, you couldn't even feel it kick. Like, ho cares?" Yea....wow..... That is NOT what it's like! The second I say the two lines, that was my baby! I was gonna be a mommy again! I had a name, and a glow, and started my 9 months of complaining and winging! I was PREGNANT! Then as I stood in line at the check out....of course I had the chatty cashier, the one at Woolworths with the short hair...you know her.... I felt the blood. It wasn't a little bit of blood, it was a gush of blood. I wanted that baby. THAT baby. The barely there, baby I didn't know, and didn't feel move. I loved that baby. So yea, miscarriage isn't like that.
So this ultrasound. I have known I was pregnant since the day it would appear on a pregnancy test, so I have been waiting for this ultrasound for a few weeks now. With Tanya by my side, there it was..... a yolk sac, and nothing else. She brings in another doctor to tell me it could be fine, and just too early, or it could be not a viable pregnancy. It's too early to tell. I have been shaking my head for about 2 hours now. Damn. Little yolk sac. Little jerk yolk sac. I just wanted to know it was there, I wanted to see a little heart beat, and feel like there was something there..... Nothing. More uncertainty. Little jerk yolk sack. Will have more in 7-10 days!
LL
Well, I'll tell you why, I realise I have to process everything out loud. Do you know that bottle that you cram all your emotions in deep down and never talk about them? No, me neither! It comes in my brain, and out my mouth. I can't not talk about it. Can I keep a secret? Sure, until I see someone else, then I will tell that person. Not because I don't care about you, but because I can't process it in my head without talking about it first.
If I process something in my head it goes like this; I got mugged in the park and my purse was stolen....... What did I look like on my drivers license photo? Wonder how much I weighed on it. What's for lunch? That's a cute dog, I like dogs.
See, doesn't complete it's transaction. So that, THAT is why I always talk about it on Facebook. I need to process out loud. I think that is part of when you know you are a writer. When it just comes easier out loud, to the world. It just makes sense this way.
I don't really want to hear about it anymore, so now I will blog. There is too much shit in my life, not to talk about it. I should write a book, but I guess this will have to do for now. Especially with the fact I don't really "follow through" with much of anything. All my intentions are good, ending famine in the Congo through Goats for Life, Raising money for the Roberts Family, writing a cookbook, adopting babies, so on and so fourth. It only gets to a really great idea, a start of action, then a hard core head flop. Not sure where the head flop comes into play.
I went to get my 6 week ultrasound today. Now I have to start my blog backwards because it doesn't make sense going from the beginning. Shit, the beginning was probably when I was 5 years old, so lets just go Quentin Terintino for a second, and see how the story unfolds?
Tanya my best friend by my side. I can't do much alone, but I am really good at pretending I'm not afraid until after the fact. Like, when Tanya had to come to get the lump on my breast examined. We always have fun in the waiting rooms laughing and making inappropriate jokes about finding my husband a new wife on e harmony before I die. I did almost do that. I got as far as to writing a Nanny job description. If I was going to have breast cancer, we could have someone watch the kids appropriately at least. I am great at the jokes of my impending doom, and Tanya is great at reading through my bullshit, and knowing the perfect moment after the test to let me cry in her arms from the built up tension. Every woman needs a girlfriend like that.
This time wasn't much different from the breast cancer scare. I am pregnant. Fine and fun for most, scary as hell for me. I have lost the last two pregnancies. Both at 7 weeks. Both in the last 6 months. Fuck. Pregnant again. Don't get me wrong, I want a baby more than anything in this world right now, and I promise you if I don't have another child I will embark on a crazy cat lady endeavour of such epic proportion.... One of which the world has never seen!!! So yes, I want a baby... I just don't want to lose another baby.
I honestly used to think "You miscarried? Um, boo hoo dude, you were pregnant for like a second.... You didn't know the baby, you couldn't even feel it kick. Like, ho cares?" Yea....wow..... That is NOT what it's like! The second I say the two lines, that was my baby! I was gonna be a mommy again! I had a name, and a glow, and started my 9 months of complaining and winging! I was PREGNANT! Then as I stood in line at the check out....of course I had the chatty cashier, the one at Woolworths with the short hair...you know her.... I felt the blood. It wasn't a little bit of blood, it was a gush of blood. I wanted that baby. THAT baby. The barely there, baby I didn't know, and didn't feel move. I loved that baby. So yea, miscarriage isn't like that.
So this ultrasound. I have known I was pregnant since the day it would appear on a pregnancy test, so I have been waiting for this ultrasound for a few weeks now. With Tanya by my side, there it was..... a yolk sac, and nothing else. She brings in another doctor to tell me it could be fine, and just too early, or it could be not a viable pregnancy. It's too early to tell. I have been shaking my head for about 2 hours now. Damn. Little yolk sac. Little jerk yolk sac. I just wanted to know it was there, I wanted to see a little heart beat, and feel like there was something there..... Nothing. More uncertainty. Little jerk yolk sack. Will have more in 7-10 days!
LL
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