Saturday 1 October 2016
Tuesday 26 April 2016
The hate hurts
I left America 9 years ago. I was a single mother, hairdresser and considered myself a normal citizen. I had a shitty car due to my own credit mishaps, but I could afford to support my child, alone, with no parents and no child support. I put myself through college and made a career for myself through hard work. I was OK, yet I left for new adventure, and to run a bit from my past. There were no hard feelings, or any feelings much about "America." We adopted the first black president, and I was only witness to 1 racist remark about it. I was not yet participating in Facebook however, and Myspace was a less communicative political platform. America had some "hope" and leaving it where I had, I felt like we were all going to be OK.
I jumped off the plane to the Land of Magic. Kangaroos, G'day's and ocean abounded. It was a little land of bliss. Within a day I noticed the sea of white faces. When we moved from Minneapolis to Denver, I remember my first question to my mother was "Where are the black people?" The same confusion and reality settled in, in Australia. Within a year knew I didn't want my kids to believe that was normal for the rest of the world and knew I could supplement lack of culture with travel.
Within the first year in Australia I learned about church and Jesus. I heard the teaching of Jesus. Love, tolerance, patience, kindness. I fell in love with this man. If this is God, I want him.
See, I was raised in a very diverse neighborhood in Minnesota, with a Catholic raised atheist mother. A strong woman with gay friends and a Cuban boyfriend. Interracial dating and gay people still appeared on Opera as "freaks" or show topics. I was raised by a single mother who put herself through graduate school, worked nights and sacrificed everything for her kids. I was pushed to find a god for myself, weather she believed or not, and this Jesus guy seemed to bullhorn the passages of my own mother,
I moved around in Australia, Sydney was great, yet very white. The sun and beaches took over the conversations more than immigration and abortion. It was a fantastic life, and one I will soon return. I missed and will continue to miss the diversity of everywhere else I lived in my life however. Moving to inner city Melbourne was a welcome culture bath. My son's bilingual school of 250 boasting children from 26 countries. This was great! From Melbourne I made the worst mistake to date. We had a year to go anywhere in Australia, and Cairns, the vacation spot of the earth was accessible! Let's freaking go! Live on vacation that's a great idea! Well, very quickly the "small town" feel became an unwelcome presence. I remember going to the South to adopt Titus. I came back talking about how nice everyone was. Little did I realize, people were nice to me, because I was white. Low incomes, low education, and a white supremacy over the indigenous people of Cairns hit me like an ax to the head. Words like "coon" thrown out of the mouths of uneducated white women. Racist slurs and hatred to the oldest people on the planet. It was like my soul had witnessed intellectual and compassionate hell. An adult attacked my child when finding out who he was, intolerance and bigotry everywhere.... in the most beautiful place on earth. How could paradise be so ugly?
I missed America. I missed cheap living, fast food and my brother. 8 years of distance and I was ready to return. James and I joked we would make it 3 out of the 6 months with America's political bullshit. It was easy to watch from 8,000 miles away. "Good luck with that shit, I'm here in a safe educated society with healthcare and a view!" I could do it for 6 months! It was in an airport bar having lunch en-route to America where we learned of the atrocity of Donald Trump. We had a laugh, but thought very little of that. What a joke.....right?
Then the unthinkable. I got sober. My sobriety is a whole other story, and one I will tell another time. However, America got me sober. My life changed, my family healed, so we pushed and pushed to stay. We tried to put out the fear in our minds every day we risked Jaxon's life being sent to school with the potential of his death in a mass shooting. We put out of our minds the growing political circus of 2 racist, homophobic, women hating republicans screaming to kill innocent families and sending non-cared for vets to more unending wars. All the while screaming their religion, claiming to follow a Christian god. That's JESUS right? Jesus loves the NRA and Carpet Bombs? Jesus hates gays and regulates bathrooms? Jesus refuses refugees and immigrants? WHAT PART OF THE FUCKING BIBLE DID JESUS SAY THAT?!?!?!?!
I was able to push the hate aside, on TV. It wasn't my life.... It wasn't my friends......until it was. People I love, people I respect, shouting to damn the poor, and blame the weak. The statue of liberty began to fall and weep. Religious freedom became religious zealots spewing hate and bigotry into open mouths and fueling attacks on brown children. My child's ability to urinate became topic of laws and bills with no basis on fact or reality. A cultural distain for a Civil Rights movement so freely given to me. Fox News and Bill O'Reily a common form of belief and fact. Worship of money and celebrity made way for the rise of everything I despise. The hate. It has gnawed at my soul.
God bless America... and nowhere else.
So I leave. I leave to where we care for the sick and educate the poor. To carbon neutral cities and protection of life. I return to a way of living that doesn't claw at my soul. I didn't want to leave my new community of love and support through sobriety, but even the most respectable of those, those who claim to live a life of tolerance and patience, scream on Facebook to refuse the refugees and reject the immigrant. They claim not to live in fear, yet worship the NRA and love their guns. the walking contradictions of all we claim. Jesus loves you....not you though.... or you....
The lessons of this life. MY story. My life of poverty and needing ungiven support in America, to the life of financial ability given later in life, gave me a perspective I don't know many to have. We pay more in personal taxes than anyone I know, and would rather support a single mother, than Wal Mart. this very small act so many refuse.
So I pray. I pray for the least of us. I pray for peace. The irony that Donald Trumps own the Miss. America pageant, when all those bitches want is world peace. I pray for what I believed Jesus to want. I pray for what Ghandi and Martin Luther, and Budda and Allah all wanted. Love. I am in control of nothing, except my reaction. My reaction is to leave. I take with me, my new friends, I have more love in my personal life right now than I have ever experienced. I can't just live with love of me. I need love of each other. This was a hard lesson, but one I am glad I own now.
I jumped off the plane to the Land of Magic. Kangaroos, G'day's and ocean abounded. It was a little land of bliss. Within a day I noticed the sea of white faces. When we moved from Minneapolis to Denver, I remember my first question to my mother was "Where are the black people?" The same confusion and reality settled in, in Australia. Within a year knew I didn't want my kids to believe that was normal for the rest of the world and knew I could supplement lack of culture with travel.
Within the first year in Australia I learned about church and Jesus. I heard the teaching of Jesus. Love, tolerance, patience, kindness. I fell in love with this man. If this is God, I want him.
See, I was raised in a very diverse neighborhood in Minnesota, with a Catholic raised atheist mother. A strong woman with gay friends and a Cuban boyfriend. Interracial dating and gay people still appeared on Opera as "freaks" or show topics. I was raised by a single mother who put herself through graduate school, worked nights and sacrificed everything for her kids. I was pushed to find a god for myself, weather she believed or not, and this Jesus guy seemed to bullhorn the passages of my own mother,
I moved around in Australia, Sydney was great, yet very white. The sun and beaches took over the conversations more than immigration and abortion. It was a fantastic life, and one I will soon return. I missed and will continue to miss the diversity of everywhere else I lived in my life however. Moving to inner city Melbourne was a welcome culture bath. My son's bilingual school of 250 boasting children from 26 countries. This was great! From Melbourne I made the worst mistake to date. We had a year to go anywhere in Australia, and Cairns, the vacation spot of the earth was accessible! Let's freaking go! Live on vacation that's a great idea! Well, very quickly the "small town" feel became an unwelcome presence. I remember going to the South to adopt Titus. I came back talking about how nice everyone was. Little did I realize, people were nice to me, because I was white. Low incomes, low education, and a white supremacy over the indigenous people of Cairns hit me like an ax to the head. Words like "coon" thrown out of the mouths of uneducated white women. Racist slurs and hatred to the oldest people on the planet. It was like my soul had witnessed intellectual and compassionate hell. An adult attacked my child when finding out who he was, intolerance and bigotry everywhere.... in the most beautiful place on earth. How could paradise be so ugly?
I missed America. I missed cheap living, fast food and my brother. 8 years of distance and I was ready to return. James and I joked we would make it 3 out of the 6 months with America's political bullshit. It was easy to watch from 8,000 miles away. "Good luck with that shit, I'm here in a safe educated society with healthcare and a view!" I could do it for 6 months! It was in an airport bar having lunch en-route to America where we learned of the atrocity of Donald Trump. We had a laugh, but thought very little of that. What a joke.....right?
Then the unthinkable. I got sober. My sobriety is a whole other story, and one I will tell another time. However, America got me sober. My life changed, my family healed, so we pushed and pushed to stay. We tried to put out the fear in our minds every day we risked Jaxon's life being sent to school with the potential of his death in a mass shooting. We put out of our minds the growing political circus of 2 racist, homophobic, women hating republicans screaming to kill innocent families and sending non-cared for vets to more unending wars. All the while screaming their religion, claiming to follow a Christian god. That's JESUS right? Jesus loves the NRA and Carpet Bombs? Jesus hates gays and regulates bathrooms? Jesus refuses refugees and immigrants? WHAT PART OF THE FUCKING BIBLE DID JESUS SAY THAT?!?!?!?!
I was able to push the hate aside, on TV. It wasn't my life.... It wasn't my friends......until it was. People I love, people I respect, shouting to damn the poor, and blame the weak. The statue of liberty began to fall and weep. Religious freedom became religious zealots spewing hate and bigotry into open mouths and fueling attacks on brown children. My child's ability to urinate became topic of laws and bills with no basis on fact or reality. A cultural distain for a Civil Rights movement so freely given to me. Fox News and Bill O'Reily a common form of belief and fact. Worship of money and celebrity made way for the rise of everything I despise. The hate. It has gnawed at my soul.
God bless America... and nowhere else.
So I leave. I leave to where we care for the sick and educate the poor. To carbon neutral cities and protection of life. I return to a way of living that doesn't claw at my soul. I didn't want to leave my new community of love and support through sobriety, but even the most respectable of those, those who claim to live a life of tolerance and patience, scream on Facebook to refuse the refugees and reject the immigrant. They claim not to live in fear, yet worship the NRA and love their guns. the walking contradictions of all we claim. Jesus loves you....not you though.... or you....
The lessons of this life. MY story. My life of poverty and needing ungiven support in America, to the life of financial ability given later in life, gave me a perspective I don't know many to have. We pay more in personal taxes than anyone I know, and would rather support a single mother, than Wal Mart. this very small act so many refuse.
So I pray. I pray for the least of us. I pray for peace. The irony that Donald Trumps own the Miss. America pageant, when all those bitches want is world peace. I pray for what I believed Jesus to want. I pray for what Ghandi and Martin Luther, and Budda and Allah all wanted. Love. I am in control of nothing, except my reaction. My reaction is to leave. I take with me, my new friends, I have more love in my personal life right now than I have ever experienced. I can't just live with love of me. I need love of each other. This was a hard lesson, but one I am glad I own now.
Saturday 10 January 2015
She's not OK
One of my best friends are dying.
I noticed when someone is dying. others look to that person for comfort
"I'm OK, I had a good life."
Why can't that person say "Fuck this, I'm scared as shit! Fuck I don't want to go yet?
I may be that person. I don't want to go yet.
She's my age and about to go.
She's not fucking ready. She has a son to raise, They are the closest people I know. Can she really just say "It's cool."
I know I'm not her best friend but who is she talking to? Who is she telling how fucking scared she is for her son? Her afterlife? Her pain?
I'm so sorry. I think about what I will say when I call and it sounds so pathetic. "I am so sorry."
Well........that'll help with me fucking dying of cancer.........no.
It sounds so stupid.
"I'm so sorry."
So then I don't say anything,
When my mom died I had the stupidest shit said to me.
"My favorite aunt died, I totally understand." .............yea no you don't.
After I lost my adopted son I shit you not, I had a friend say she had to put a dog up for adoption....;like it was the same thing.....no fucking seriously.....
I have this friend dying and I don't know how to say anything that makes sense. "You changed me. I helped you, you helped me, we were partners, I loved you as family."
I am looking to her to make me feel better.... Selfish bitches. Her mom wept on the phone putting her in an ambulance.
I keep thinking it's not totally real.
What the hell are we doing here?
I'm coming, but what do I say to you?
What would I want someone to say to me?
"Fuck Laura, Oh my God I will miss you."
Yea...... Oh my God Laura I will miss you.
Maybe that is real?
I noticed when someone is dying. others look to that person for comfort
"I'm OK, I had a good life."
Why can't that person say "Fuck this, I'm scared as shit! Fuck I don't want to go yet?
I may be that person. I don't want to go yet.
She's my age and about to go.
She's not fucking ready. She has a son to raise, They are the closest people I know. Can she really just say "It's cool."
I know I'm not her best friend but who is she talking to? Who is she telling how fucking scared she is for her son? Her afterlife? Her pain?
I'm so sorry. I think about what I will say when I call and it sounds so pathetic. "I am so sorry."
Well........that'll help with me fucking dying of cancer.........no.
It sounds so stupid.
"I'm so sorry."
So then I don't say anything,
When my mom died I had the stupidest shit said to me.
"My favorite aunt died, I totally understand." .............yea no you don't.
After I lost my adopted son I shit you not, I had a friend say she had to put a dog up for adoption....;like it was the same thing.....no fucking seriously.....
I have this friend dying and I don't know how to say anything that makes sense. "You changed me. I helped you, you helped me, we were partners, I loved you as family."
I am looking to her to make me feel better.... Selfish bitches. Her mom wept on the phone putting her in an ambulance.
I keep thinking it's not totally real.
What the hell are we doing here?
I'm coming, but what do I say to you?
What would I want someone to say to me?
"Fuck Laura, Oh my God I will miss you."
Yea...... Oh my God Laura I will miss you.
Maybe that is real?
Friday 18 July 2014
Same assholes, different reactions=different results
So this last month was cool/shit, in the way that I asked for a life lesson, publicly on Facebook, and got one right in the face. That exact life lesson, and now I need to talk it through. I need to talk EVERY emotion through, so sorry, but suck an egg....that's just me.
Life lesson on reacting and how your reaction changes the exact same situation.
I realize now how we can force people to act a way we want them to. 2 examples I remember. My best friend since 15. We were at a concert and literally out of nowhere he says "So are you going to take off now?"
"Wtf? I'm not going anywhere. Why did you say that?"
"Because you always take off. You always go hang out with other people."
"You know you are starting a fight right now don't you?"
"No I'm not, you always leave, I will just sit here and wait for you to find someone else to hang out with."
It was glaringly clear, lights flashing in my face what he was doing. He was trying to make me act a certain way. My friend was deciding I was going to leave, and if I didn't, he was going to try to make me just so he could be right. I am the bad guy who leaves him. After this becomes an argument, I end up leaving, going to hang out with someone else. Just on cue.
The second example, was this guy I met on Facebook, we're talking 9 years ago or something. We became chatting friends, and out of nowhere, he gets weird depressed and was asking when I was going to block him. EVERYONE leaves him, and everyone hates him. Long story short, I end up blocking him after he turns weird. It's almost just a "poor me" attempt to make him validate his crappy life? Does that make sense? We were just friends and I was kind to you. You want to be sad and validate your sadness and loneliness so you are going to push me away to validate how shitty and alone you are, making me another jerk who left you.
So this months life lesson I asked for; how do I not react to people when they are nasty to me. I am REALLY good at telling people off, and have an insult vocabulary to make the Devil himself proud. Don't mess with me. However, EVERY time I react, I feel worse. I stay mad, I get angry for long periods of time, I hurt very deeply and it doesn't stop. How do I do this.
Now I am going to go out on a limb and say I haven't tried to hurt someones feelings in a LONG time. I haven't thrown the first punch on someone in God knows how long. Actually, I haven't really had conflict with anyone in a few years. (Besides mild friend dilemmas and telling Facebookers to F off.)So when asshole #1 came out of nowhere, I was a bit shocked.
ASSHOLE #1. My reaction and the horrible outcome.
Asshole #1 is my older brother Nik. (sorry for the forthcoming LONG story)
Nik is an older brother who I have never liked. We are not on the same planet as far as similar. I mean, as far as 2 humans could be different, so is Nik and I. Nik is a gamer. Enough said right? Highly intelligent, highly narcissistic, very selfish, but it may just be because of his inability to navigate social situations. I don't know. I had some really big resentments after my mother died, he just kinda left us there. Anyways. I always wanted a brother like the rest of the world has. I wanted the older brother that cared for his little sister. Loved her, watched out for her. I wanted the brother that I could look up to, and annoy, and he was just not that. He just honestly did not love me. (cue dad not loving me, and male issues to ensue later in life)
So kinda a big issue in my life.
Mom died, Nik took off, never heard from him again for 5 years.
Nik shows up after Jaxon is like almost 2 "I want to be a family" OK , let's do that. That basically means we are "friends" on Facebook and email each other a "Happy Birthday" Fine. I never expected anything from him, just kindness. I forgave him for not being who I needed him to be, I accepted his quirks, I tried to be a part of his sons life. He didn't acknowledge my kids, which hurt, but his loss. I did my best. I don't like you, but I will respect you!
Few years later. and the start of Asshole #1.
I have not, for literally years, interacted with Nik on Facebook. I might have liked a few of his photos, but no talking, or comments, no messages or wtf ever. I wake up, 6am, to a hate email from him........
"I am taking a break from you on Facebook. I don't think ; blah blah blah..." I don't really remember, but it was listing my flaws as a human being....... out.... of ..... nowhere.
My first reaction, was.... well like everyones, confusion, but then anger. Who the hell does this guy think he is??? But then the reality I don't speak to him made me even more angry, and if he doesn't like what I post on Facebook, just unfollow me! He doesn't know me well enough to have any opinion of me! His opinion of me is none of my business to be honest.
MY REACTION and how it ended horribly- My first email, in a literal attempt to make him see it was silly, and to stop the drama was
"LOL"
This was not a good idea.....
Next email was now a hate email of epic proportion about what an idiot child I was and more of what a horrible person I was.
So now...... Blades of fury erupt. This POS, judgmental, narcissistic, arrogant prick is going to pay. Cue Laura's anger over the course of like 3 emails. My anger that he started this fight to me was justified, as HE started it. (are you seeing it yet?)
HE started the fight, so he deserved every nasty word I said to him. He needed to know what an actual piece of crap HE is.
Which resulted in more nasty emails from him, which resulted in us still no longer, and never again speaking, and him not allowing me access to my Nephew.
What happened here?
My reaction, made me into the person he accused me of being. A childish, idiot. A childish idiot that even though I may not been acting like one before, I sure was acting like one then, and it just justified that first email he wrote. He gets to walk away with his head held high, that I actually AM a childish idiot. And to this day I am pissed. Honestly I am heartbroken. I lost my nephew, and it just feels so nasty inside. I still, months later will be cleaning and just get a pang of anger in my chest, that that SOB started this fight, and that I still want to call him and chew him out.... I am still SO hurt... I am hurt probably because he got to be right. This was when I asked for help to learn the lesson of how I react.
ASSHOLE #2
I have been taking Isiah on as a 4th child for 5 months. He eats 2 meals a day at my house, gets dropped off at 7am, goes home at 7pm, and sleeps over most nights. His parent's are alcoholic and on drugs, so he just came over one day and hasn't left. We all love him so much, he is the older brother Jaxon has been wishing for his entire life.
I have had 3 interactions with the mother, and after the 1st one I told James as we walked away "That woman is dangerous." People who do not take personal responsibility for their lives and actions are literally the most dangerous people on earth in my eyes. Throw in drugs and alcohol, and you have issues. They are squatting in a 2 million dollar home, and most of the interaction was about how hard her life was...... She didn't work, and sat in her room most of the time or slept. (information from her husband and the child.)
I didn't respect her, and I was very concerned to interact with her. I tried so hard however to always offer her support. I quit drinking and smoking, and kindly offered her my way to quit if she had any interest, would offer if she wanted to go to yoga with me, go for a bike ride. I tried. I also knew I couldnt be near her when she was drinking so I decided just to love Isiah and that could be as close as I could get. He did everything we did, we have a pretty fun life and he just came with us. Football games, and beach trips, overnights in hotels and nice meals out. We spoiled his face off because we loved him and just wanted him to have some fun with us.
A few months ago I started getting 1am drunk nasty text messages from her. Nastiness about her husband, or she was leaving to go to a womans shelter. I would never respond, or just text back to ask if I could help her.
One day, James shows me a text from her that said "Sorry I'm texting you, it seems Laura's having problems at the moment." He obviously didn't reply, because texting my husband is wildly inappropriate. I find out later she heard Izzy say we were fighting, so she was trying to infiltrate my marriage and have James say something bad about me. She wanted there to be issues in my marriage to justify the issues in hers. Obviously he didn't reply, as James has already learned this life lesson. She started getting very dominant to her husband and Isiah and would literally break our plans as we were walking out the door. Isiah wouldn't go to school if I didn't bring him, and some days he just wouldn't go to school for a week. I started getting VERY concerned and scared of what was about to happen. I knew she was screwed up.
Last week it finally came..... The text message I was waiting for..... She basically wrote about what the kids were out doing was not OK with her...... Isiah went home 20 minutes prior to ask if he could go. They left, and I get this message that it's not OK and that I was a bad parent basically....... You just told your son it was OK..... wtf.......
I knew the moment it came, sadly I had to end the relationship with Isiah because I couldn't do it anymore. This woman was sick and she was dangerous and I couldn't do it. I slowly replied I was sorry, but I can't be a part of whatever was going on, if she needed to talk to Izzy, they have really good deals on cell phones.
All....hell.....broke loose...... But this time I did something different. I didn't react.
I didn't engage her.
Was I mad? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I WAS MAD> I just raised your son for 5 months while you got drunk! That day I had taken him to get the signatures of an entire AFL team, and we had a beach party! I have fed him for months, and loved him and cared for him....... But mostly, he was Jaxons best friend and this crazy bitch is about to end all of that.
Vanessa went on a rampage. There were about 50 text messages about what a POS I was...... I don't know why, because she literally didn't know me.... She called me these names that were so crazy, and sadly just a reflection of herself. I realized very quickly that she was wildly jealous. I basically am doing everything she wished she could be doing as a wife, mother, human, but she was incapable and she knew that if she could make me react into this shit person that she would be right and justified to be jealous and hateful towards me.
If I attacked back, then she would be right, that skinny rich girls are awful bitches..........
The text messages went for 2 days, horrible words. How sorry she felt for my husband. Not responding sucked. I wanted to kick her teeth in. I just didn't respond. I spoke to people who loved me, and spoke through my hurt. We pointed out what she was going through and made it make sense why she chose to react that way. I forgave her, and realized it really must suck to be her.
That day hurt so much, Jaxon was hurt.... He was so devestated and I was so damn angry that she was the cause of this. I wanted to hurt her.... But I chose not to. I chose. To keep my dignity, and react as a Christian is supposed to. I am not here to fix you, I am here to love you. If I give you back what crap you gave me, I am no better than you. I am going to turn the other cheek, walk away, grieve, hurt, and heal. This is the life lesson.
A week later and sometimes I think about how hurt I am, or how I would sure love to tell her off....what I could say..... But it's going away quickly. With Nik, it's still there because I lost. I big time lost. I am still hurt. With Vanessa, I won. I don't have to be who she wants me to be. I am NOT who she wants me to be.
I can walk away with my head held high, and for once, and realizing what it means to have a bit of class.
Hurts will come, but how you react will change everything.
Life lesson on reacting and how your reaction changes the exact same situation.
I realize now how we can force people to act a way we want them to. 2 examples I remember. My best friend since 15. We were at a concert and literally out of nowhere he says "So are you going to take off now?"
"Wtf? I'm not going anywhere. Why did you say that?"
"Because you always take off. You always go hang out with other people."
"You know you are starting a fight right now don't you?"
"No I'm not, you always leave, I will just sit here and wait for you to find someone else to hang out with."
It was glaringly clear, lights flashing in my face what he was doing. He was trying to make me act a certain way. My friend was deciding I was going to leave, and if I didn't, he was going to try to make me just so he could be right. I am the bad guy who leaves him. After this becomes an argument, I end up leaving, going to hang out with someone else. Just on cue.
The second example, was this guy I met on Facebook, we're talking 9 years ago or something. We became chatting friends, and out of nowhere, he gets weird depressed and was asking when I was going to block him. EVERYONE leaves him, and everyone hates him. Long story short, I end up blocking him after he turns weird. It's almost just a "poor me" attempt to make him validate his crappy life? Does that make sense? We were just friends and I was kind to you. You want to be sad and validate your sadness and loneliness so you are going to push me away to validate how shitty and alone you are, making me another jerk who left you.
So this months life lesson I asked for; how do I not react to people when they are nasty to me. I am REALLY good at telling people off, and have an insult vocabulary to make the Devil himself proud. Don't mess with me. However, EVERY time I react, I feel worse. I stay mad, I get angry for long periods of time, I hurt very deeply and it doesn't stop. How do I do this.
Now I am going to go out on a limb and say I haven't tried to hurt someones feelings in a LONG time. I haven't thrown the first punch on someone in God knows how long. Actually, I haven't really had conflict with anyone in a few years. (Besides mild friend dilemmas and telling Facebookers to F off.)So when asshole #1 came out of nowhere, I was a bit shocked.
ASSHOLE #1. My reaction and the horrible outcome.
Asshole #1 is my older brother Nik. (sorry for the forthcoming LONG story)
Nik is an older brother who I have never liked. We are not on the same planet as far as similar. I mean, as far as 2 humans could be different, so is Nik and I. Nik is a gamer. Enough said right? Highly intelligent, highly narcissistic, very selfish, but it may just be because of his inability to navigate social situations. I don't know. I had some really big resentments after my mother died, he just kinda left us there. Anyways. I always wanted a brother like the rest of the world has. I wanted the older brother that cared for his little sister. Loved her, watched out for her. I wanted the brother that I could look up to, and annoy, and he was just not that. He just honestly did not love me. (cue dad not loving me, and male issues to ensue later in life)
So kinda a big issue in my life.
Mom died, Nik took off, never heard from him again for 5 years.
Nik shows up after Jaxon is like almost 2 "I want to be a family" OK , let's do that. That basically means we are "friends" on Facebook and email each other a "Happy Birthday" Fine. I never expected anything from him, just kindness. I forgave him for not being who I needed him to be, I accepted his quirks, I tried to be a part of his sons life. He didn't acknowledge my kids, which hurt, but his loss. I did my best. I don't like you, but I will respect you!
Few years later. and the start of Asshole #1.
I have not, for literally years, interacted with Nik on Facebook. I might have liked a few of his photos, but no talking, or comments, no messages or wtf ever. I wake up, 6am, to a hate email from him........
"I am taking a break from you on Facebook. I don't think ; blah blah blah..." I don't really remember, but it was listing my flaws as a human being....... out.... of ..... nowhere.
My first reaction, was.... well like everyones, confusion, but then anger. Who the hell does this guy think he is??? But then the reality I don't speak to him made me even more angry, and if he doesn't like what I post on Facebook, just unfollow me! He doesn't know me well enough to have any opinion of me! His opinion of me is none of my business to be honest.
MY REACTION and how it ended horribly- My first email, in a literal attempt to make him see it was silly, and to stop the drama was
"LOL"
This was not a good idea.....
Next email was now a hate email of epic proportion about what an idiot child I was and more of what a horrible person I was.
So now...... Blades of fury erupt. This POS, judgmental, narcissistic, arrogant prick is going to pay. Cue Laura's anger over the course of like 3 emails. My anger that he started this fight to me was justified, as HE started it. (are you seeing it yet?)
HE started the fight, so he deserved every nasty word I said to him. He needed to know what an actual piece of crap HE is.
Which resulted in more nasty emails from him, which resulted in us still no longer, and never again speaking, and him not allowing me access to my Nephew.
What happened here?
My reaction, made me into the person he accused me of being. A childish, idiot. A childish idiot that even though I may not been acting like one before, I sure was acting like one then, and it just justified that first email he wrote. He gets to walk away with his head held high, that I actually AM a childish idiot. And to this day I am pissed. Honestly I am heartbroken. I lost my nephew, and it just feels so nasty inside. I still, months later will be cleaning and just get a pang of anger in my chest, that that SOB started this fight, and that I still want to call him and chew him out.... I am still SO hurt... I am hurt probably because he got to be right. This was when I asked for help to learn the lesson of how I react.
ASSHOLE #2
I have been taking Isiah on as a 4th child for 5 months. He eats 2 meals a day at my house, gets dropped off at 7am, goes home at 7pm, and sleeps over most nights. His parent's are alcoholic and on drugs, so he just came over one day and hasn't left. We all love him so much, he is the older brother Jaxon has been wishing for his entire life.
I have had 3 interactions with the mother, and after the 1st one I told James as we walked away "That woman is dangerous." People who do not take personal responsibility for their lives and actions are literally the most dangerous people on earth in my eyes. Throw in drugs and alcohol, and you have issues. They are squatting in a 2 million dollar home, and most of the interaction was about how hard her life was...... She didn't work, and sat in her room most of the time or slept. (information from her husband and the child.)
I didn't respect her, and I was very concerned to interact with her. I tried so hard however to always offer her support. I quit drinking and smoking, and kindly offered her my way to quit if she had any interest, would offer if she wanted to go to yoga with me, go for a bike ride. I tried. I also knew I couldnt be near her when she was drinking so I decided just to love Isiah and that could be as close as I could get. He did everything we did, we have a pretty fun life and he just came with us. Football games, and beach trips, overnights in hotels and nice meals out. We spoiled his face off because we loved him and just wanted him to have some fun with us.
A few months ago I started getting 1am drunk nasty text messages from her. Nastiness about her husband, or she was leaving to go to a womans shelter. I would never respond, or just text back to ask if I could help her.
One day, James shows me a text from her that said "Sorry I'm texting you, it seems Laura's having problems at the moment." He obviously didn't reply, because texting my husband is wildly inappropriate. I find out later she heard Izzy say we were fighting, so she was trying to infiltrate my marriage and have James say something bad about me. She wanted there to be issues in my marriage to justify the issues in hers. Obviously he didn't reply, as James has already learned this life lesson. She started getting very dominant to her husband and Isiah and would literally break our plans as we were walking out the door. Isiah wouldn't go to school if I didn't bring him, and some days he just wouldn't go to school for a week. I started getting VERY concerned and scared of what was about to happen. I knew she was screwed up.
Last week it finally came..... The text message I was waiting for..... She basically wrote about what the kids were out doing was not OK with her...... Isiah went home 20 minutes prior to ask if he could go. They left, and I get this message that it's not OK and that I was a bad parent basically....... You just told your son it was OK..... wtf.......
I knew the moment it came, sadly I had to end the relationship with Isiah because I couldn't do it anymore. This woman was sick and she was dangerous and I couldn't do it. I slowly replied I was sorry, but I can't be a part of whatever was going on, if she needed to talk to Izzy, they have really good deals on cell phones.
All....hell.....broke loose...... But this time I did something different. I didn't react.
I didn't engage her.
Was I mad? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I WAS MAD> I just raised your son for 5 months while you got drunk! That day I had taken him to get the signatures of an entire AFL team, and we had a beach party! I have fed him for months, and loved him and cared for him....... But mostly, he was Jaxons best friend and this crazy bitch is about to end all of that.
Vanessa went on a rampage. There were about 50 text messages about what a POS I was...... I don't know why, because she literally didn't know me.... She called me these names that were so crazy, and sadly just a reflection of herself. I realized very quickly that she was wildly jealous. I basically am doing everything she wished she could be doing as a wife, mother, human, but she was incapable and she knew that if she could make me react into this shit person that she would be right and justified to be jealous and hateful towards me.
If I attacked back, then she would be right, that skinny rich girls are awful bitches..........
The text messages went for 2 days, horrible words. How sorry she felt for my husband. Not responding sucked. I wanted to kick her teeth in. I just didn't respond. I spoke to people who loved me, and spoke through my hurt. We pointed out what she was going through and made it make sense why she chose to react that way. I forgave her, and realized it really must suck to be her.
That day hurt so much, Jaxon was hurt.... He was so devestated and I was so damn angry that she was the cause of this. I wanted to hurt her.... But I chose not to. I chose. To keep my dignity, and react as a Christian is supposed to. I am not here to fix you, I am here to love you. If I give you back what crap you gave me, I am no better than you. I am going to turn the other cheek, walk away, grieve, hurt, and heal. This is the life lesson.
A week later and sometimes I think about how hurt I am, or how I would sure love to tell her off....what I could say..... But it's going away quickly. With Nik, it's still there because I lost. I big time lost. I am still hurt. With Vanessa, I won. I don't have to be who she wants me to be. I am NOT who she wants me to be.
I can walk away with my head held high, and for once, and realizing what it means to have a bit of class.
Hurts will come, but how you react will change everything.
Thursday 13 March 2014
No longer possible
No Longer Possible-
It is no longer possible for me to write a post, highlighting my issues with childhood obesity and have a friend single themselves out and say "That bitch is talking about me." I can no longer single one friend out, because YOU, are so so many.
I have an ISSUE with childhood obesity.
It started when I moved to Australia, and the ultimately thin healthy lifestyle threw me into a tail spin. being obese was unusual, and growing older watching America friend balloon up, was an interesting experience. I myself had a huge issue with weight in America, and through experience only, am I now considering myself incredibly well know ledged in all things "health".
YOU have an issue with food, not your kids.
I was at dinner tonight and looked to my left. A heavily obese women with three kids. her 8 year old son, already obese, 6 year old son stick thin, and baby in a highchair normal weight. The baby, had juice in her bottle.
Let's just stick with reality here.
This mother, loves her baby so much, that she only wants her to drink what tastes good.... to her.....
Babies, wether you think so or not, LOVE the taste and thirst quenching refreshment of water. They don't NEED nor crave sweet drinks. I promise you that mother loves her kids to death, but she is contributing to their premature death in this exact way.
To my right was a 10 year old, obese kid with a man sized meal and a Fanta soda. Again, yes it tastes good, but for fuck sake is his 3 minutes of drink enjoyment worth his daily struggle with obesity?
Family ones' oldest was outside trying to play and run around. Just like all the other kids, but was completely out of breath. His extra weight from his "mothers love" was dragging him down physically in front of everyone. Does your child want fried chicken strips and coke? Or to play with his friends?
Family 2, after his feast and Fanta went to play on his tablet in the corner for the rest of the night.
IF YOUR CHILD IS OBESE IT IS YOUR FAULT.
I know, I know, fuck you Laura, what a bitch.
But the gentle kind hands of "please make better choices" isn't working!
Your babies don't fill their own bottles, and until they are cooking their own meals it's up to us.
But that doesn't mean you put your kids on a diet. Exactly the opposite! Again, YOU have an issue with food not them. There is no good or bad food. There is just food, and nutrition as our body needs and desires.
YOU get depressed and eat. So when your 4 year old skins their knee, you may give him a chocolate. Nope, fucking them up. Food is not a n anti depressant or a way to make pain go away.
YOU eat when you are happy. So when your child does something great, you bring them to Mc Donalds. No, that is fucking them up. Mc Donalds is a sometimes, running too many errands in a day, gotta feed them something food.
YOU have an issue with sweets, so giving them artificial sweeteners instead to make yourself feel better is fucking them up. Your kids when given sweets in moderation and with the ability to stop eating when ready, do not see sweet food as anything more than sweet food.
YOU love fried, cure, buttered, cheesed, processed food. Your children are born loving fresh, pure, natural tastes. You are fucking them up. Stop it. They love an apple. Just give them a fucking apple.
COOK YOUR MEALS! I understand it is now cheaper to get Mc Donalds than it is to feed a family of 4 at home. But cheaper now? Or in 10 years when your kids need a motorized scooter, custom clothes and a fucking sleep apnoea machine?
So I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that you are feeling like I am singling YOU out, but YOU are too many to single out. All YOU can do is stop killing your kid with your issues. If you are obese your child has an 80% chance of being obese. You want this for them? Oh hell to the no you don't.
Wanna fix it? Be KIND to yourself. Separate your needs from theirs. Love them with time not food. Love them with nutrition for their minds and bodies. Love them from the inside, and take care of yourself. Take time for yourself. Get a sitter and spend some time loving you again.
I don't want to do it anymore. Keep your issues YOUR issues and leave your precious, beautiful LOVED babies out of it. You are killing them.
Laura
It is no longer possible for me to write a post, highlighting my issues with childhood obesity and have a friend single themselves out and say "That bitch is talking about me." I can no longer single one friend out, because YOU, are so so many.
I have an ISSUE with childhood obesity.
It started when I moved to Australia, and the ultimately thin healthy lifestyle threw me into a tail spin. being obese was unusual, and growing older watching America friend balloon up, was an interesting experience. I myself had a huge issue with weight in America, and through experience only, am I now considering myself incredibly well know ledged in all things "health".
YOU have an issue with food, not your kids.
I was at dinner tonight and looked to my left. A heavily obese women with three kids. her 8 year old son, already obese, 6 year old son stick thin, and baby in a highchair normal weight. The baby, had juice in her bottle.
Let's just stick with reality here.
This mother, loves her baby so much, that she only wants her to drink what tastes good.... to her.....
Babies, wether you think so or not, LOVE the taste and thirst quenching refreshment of water. They don't NEED nor crave sweet drinks. I promise you that mother loves her kids to death, but she is contributing to their premature death in this exact way.
To my right was a 10 year old, obese kid with a man sized meal and a Fanta soda. Again, yes it tastes good, but for fuck sake is his 3 minutes of drink enjoyment worth his daily struggle with obesity?
Family ones' oldest was outside trying to play and run around. Just like all the other kids, but was completely out of breath. His extra weight from his "mothers love" was dragging him down physically in front of everyone. Does your child want fried chicken strips and coke? Or to play with his friends?
Family 2, after his feast and Fanta went to play on his tablet in the corner for the rest of the night.
IF YOUR CHILD IS OBESE IT IS YOUR FAULT.
I know, I know, fuck you Laura, what a bitch.
But the gentle kind hands of "please make better choices" isn't working!
Your babies don't fill their own bottles, and until they are cooking their own meals it's up to us.
But that doesn't mean you put your kids on a diet. Exactly the opposite! Again, YOU have an issue with food not them. There is no good or bad food. There is just food, and nutrition as our body needs and desires.
YOU get depressed and eat. So when your 4 year old skins their knee, you may give him a chocolate. Nope, fucking them up. Food is not a n anti depressant or a way to make pain go away.
YOU eat when you are happy. So when your child does something great, you bring them to Mc Donalds. No, that is fucking them up. Mc Donalds is a sometimes, running too many errands in a day, gotta feed them something food.
YOU have an issue with sweets, so giving them artificial sweeteners instead to make yourself feel better is fucking them up. Your kids when given sweets in moderation and with the ability to stop eating when ready, do not see sweet food as anything more than sweet food.
YOU love fried, cure, buttered, cheesed, processed food. Your children are born loving fresh, pure, natural tastes. You are fucking them up. Stop it. They love an apple. Just give them a fucking apple.
COOK YOUR MEALS! I understand it is now cheaper to get Mc Donalds than it is to feed a family of 4 at home. But cheaper now? Or in 10 years when your kids need a motorized scooter, custom clothes and a fucking sleep apnoea machine?
So I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that you are feeling like I am singling YOU out, but YOU are too many to single out. All YOU can do is stop killing your kid with your issues. If you are obese your child has an 80% chance of being obese. You want this for them? Oh hell to the no you don't.
Wanna fix it? Be KIND to yourself. Separate your needs from theirs. Love them with time not food. Love them with nutrition for their minds and bodies. Love them from the inside, and take care of yourself. Take time for yourself. Get a sitter and spend some time loving you again.
I don't want to do it anymore. Keep your issues YOUR issues and leave your precious, beautiful LOVED babies out of it. You are killing them.
Laura
Sunday 2 March 2014
The History
I don't think I realised until she died what she really bestowed in me.
My single mother, working 2 jobs, instilled values that seemed so normal and everyday. I believed everyone of my age was getting the same lessons at home.
My mother- was amazing.
I now like to speak about your reality being the life you had growing up. What you were raised is what is "normal" to you. If your parents were divorced, you may not highlight marriage as a priority. You may see it as dispensable. If your parent's are married for 50 years, marriage may mean something else.
Religion, racism, alcohol, politics. What you were brought up with is your normal.
I was raised different.
My mother kept her last name. We had a HORRIBLE hyphenated last name that was in total 26 letters long. I spelled the alphabet to write my name because she refused to take her husbands name. This feminism to me was normal. Sorry, but when I met a man with a great last name I cheered!
She was an atheist, who did the most amazing thing by refusing to tell us her beliefs, but challenged us to find out for ourselves. With this, I searched. High, and low, and in and out to find what I believed, not what she believed.
She worked 2 jobs, and put herself through school and grad school. She was a single mother of three that worked and gave more than anyone I know. She loved us.
The most amazing thing she did, which I didn't know until now; was she raised us open-minded. My mother had gay friends, when gay people were on Oprah. " I slept with a man!" It was a talk show subject!
We were raised in Frog Town, a predominantly black area, and I was a minority at my school. This was my normal. Being gay, or another color than myself....was normal.
The problem, if you want to call it that, is that as I grew up, I didn't get that things like racism, or hatred toward a group because of anything beside their own hate...eg the KKK. It's OK to hate a group that hates yea? Even existed? I wasn't rasied to hate ANYONE. I knew gay people, and adopted people, black people, and people of religions I can't even spell. It was a non issue since I could speak.
By 8 I was shocked that racism even existed!
I didn't believe people could dislike another group of people, because I was raised so well not to see things like that.
He's an ass because he's an ass. It has nothing to do with him being gay, black, Asian, Jewish or Indian. THAT dude is an ass.
With her gone now, I wonder where she got it. I wonder where that seed was planted in her, because I am sure she wasn't raised with it. How could she have been?
So I get the different kid. The kid some people hate, and the kid some people don't "get" and I know God did that to keep him alive. This all started before me, and with my mother.
I wish I could talk to her about it now as an adult. Say thank you!
When people tell me "Thank you for supporting your child" I just fall over. Well fucking "duh" I support him., but it isn't the case for most people.
I did it too though. I put Haven in the most diverse school I could, and plan to raise them all the way my mother did with that regard. I just still always wonder why sexuality, race, religion are still even a "THING." Why the fuck do we spend so much time on such stupid shit? We eat, poop, die exactly the same. We are one.
We have so much to do right now as a generation of living beings, that I can't believe things like this Arizona bigot law even comes up. REALLY? What year are we in?
I don't see the world as other people see it.
Thank you, to my mom. I wish I would have known earlier how teaching your children equality and love changes an entire nation.
I love you....unless you suck. No other conditions apply to that.
Laura
My single mother, working 2 jobs, instilled values that seemed so normal and everyday. I believed everyone of my age was getting the same lessons at home.
My mother- was amazing.
I now like to speak about your reality being the life you had growing up. What you were raised is what is "normal" to you. If your parents were divorced, you may not highlight marriage as a priority. You may see it as dispensable. If your parent's are married for 50 years, marriage may mean something else.
Religion, racism, alcohol, politics. What you were brought up with is your normal.
I was raised different.
My mother kept her last name. We had a HORRIBLE hyphenated last name that was in total 26 letters long. I spelled the alphabet to write my name because she refused to take her husbands name. This feminism to me was normal. Sorry, but when I met a man with a great last name I cheered!
She was an atheist, who did the most amazing thing by refusing to tell us her beliefs, but challenged us to find out for ourselves. With this, I searched. High, and low, and in and out to find what I believed, not what she believed.
She worked 2 jobs, and put herself through school and grad school. She was a single mother of three that worked and gave more than anyone I know. She loved us.
The most amazing thing she did, which I didn't know until now; was she raised us open-minded. My mother had gay friends, when gay people were on Oprah. " I slept with a man!" It was a talk show subject!
We were raised in Frog Town, a predominantly black area, and I was a minority at my school. This was my normal. Being gay, or another color than myself....was normal.
The problem, if you want to call it that, is that as I grew up, I didn't get that things like racism, or hatred toward a group because of anything beside their own hate...eg the KKK. It's OK to hate a group that hates yea? Even existed? I wasn't rasied to hate ANYONE. I knew gay people, and adopted people, black people, and people of religions I can't even spell. It was a non issue since I could speak.
By 8 I was shocked that racism even existed!
I didn't believe people could dislike another group of people, because I was raised so well not to see things like that.
He's an ass because he's an ass. It has nothing to do with him being gay, black, Asian, Jewish or Indian. THAT dude is an ass.
With her gone now, I wonder where she got it. I wonder where that seed was planted in her, because I am sure she wasn't raised with it. How could she have been?
So I get the different kid. The kid some people hate, and the kid some people don't "get" and I know God did that to keep him alive. This all started before me, and with my mother.
I wish I could talk to her about it now as an adult. Say thank you!
When people tell me "Thank you for supporting your child" I just fall over. Well fucking "duh" I support him., but it isn't the case for most people.
I did it too though. I put Haven in the most diverse school I could, and plan to raise them all the way my mother did with that regard. I just still always wonder why sexuality, race, religion are still even a "THING." Why the fuck do we spend so much time on such stupid shit? We eat, poop, die exactly the same. We are one.
We have so much to do right now as a generation of living beings, that I can't believe things like this Arizona bigot law even comes up. REALLY? What year are we in?
I don't see the world as other people see it.
Thank you, to my mom. I wish I would have known earlier how teaching your children equality and love changes an entire nation.
I love you....unless you suck. No other conditions apply to that.
Laura
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