Congratulations! You are now married and with child. The easiest best job you could hope for yea? You fail! There is no way around it, you.... Will fail miserably at this job.
I know at the beginning you saw this adventure as a wistful blissful fairy tale of smiles and joy.... And then you wake up. You fail.
The prince charming starts to leave his underwear on the floor next to the basket... Like touching the fucking basket but on the floor. He pays zero attention to you, works too much, asks about you too little. His amazing hobbies which you used to adore, now take time from you and money. His dreams of being in a band were so sexy, but now are such a annoying waste of time to you.... You fail.
The kids? Those bundles of joy? Well your baby hasn't slept in 5 fucking months and if you could ever get back into jeans... Not even skinny jeans, just out of track pants, you may have enough self esteem and energy to put make up on. Your ideas of feeding your children organic fresh vegan meals and sewing their clothes by hand is over taken by praying your two year old will just stop eating sand, and hand sewn clothes; you forgot you don't know how to sew, and ain't nobody got time for that! You fail.
You were going to be the football coach and teachers aide, you were going to carpool and tutor the neighbourhood kids.. You didn't realise until now however, how much you truly dislike other people's children. You fail.
The reality is you are not alone, and you are still perfect and amazing for so many reasons. However, marriage and parenting is work. If it wasn't, 51% of people wouldn't be divorced. You wanna fight for marriage equality or non equality, its more like divorce equality! So you make a choice, and I hate to say it but to make this crazy reality that fair tale you dreamt of, YOU have to make it happen.
I know I know, if the husband was just more attentive, and the baby would just sleep, or if the boy would just stop ruining every shirt he owns..... But no..... Happiness is a choice, and it's your choice. Good news is? This can be fun. It starts with you.
I watch couples, I listen to what they say and complain about. I find the happy people are the ones that take full responsibility for their lives and their actions, they will always ask "What is my part here."
There is no perfect way to parent, or to be married. There are many ways to fillet a fish, however there seems some sure fire ways how NOT to be happy! Let's discuss.
1. Do not ever speak poorly about your spouse to friends or family. Having a best girlfriend to vent to, or asking for serious advice on a situation is nessesary. Bashing your spouse is never ok. Your friends and family will only remember what bad you told them, and they aren't there for the kiss and make up. It gets old listening to someone demean their partner. We all wanna punch our spouse in the groin, but we make up! Adding others in your marriage is not helpful.
2. Give what you want. You can not change anyone. If you need more attention, give more. If you need something, give something first. If you want your spouse to help clean up, hear what they need from you and do that first. You give first, only then will you get. That's the beauty of marriage.
3. Ask. No one knows what you want. You have to ask for it in plain English. I need you to do the dishes. I need you to tell me I look good. I need you to bring me flowers once in awhile. I find that people in love will do just about anything, if you just ask. Minus the nagging and bitching.
4. Let them do their things on your terms. When James comes home on a Friday and announces he's going mountain biking in the morning, it would feel like I was not getting a break from the kids and had an automatic 6 day work week! So, I know if James doesn't mountian bike he will not want to live, so I do it on my terms. During the week I set myself up to be prepared for him to go, get a kid to a friends and plan an outing. Then I offer for him to go. If I offer enough, he isn't deprived and I am not overwhelmed. His needs on my terms. Since implementing this, I have noticed the next weekend he always offers that I can go get a massage and spend some me time. All on his own!
This works for sex too. If you have little ones and sleeping is such a bigger turn on than sex, remember its not for him. Give him what he needs on your terms.
5. Spend time away from your kids. Your spouse had your full attention, now they have a third or fourth of it. Make dates a priority. Watching tv alone is not good enough.
6. Make a scene when he walks in the door. Your husband doesn't rush home from work? How do you greet him? With complaining and nagging? How about a hug and smile! How about a celebration instead! Make him adore coming home!
7. APOLOGISE! I apologize to my kids and husband on a daily basis. I take responsibility when I do something wrong. Since Haven was 2, I have offered to pay for his therapy when he is 30. I fully know I will not screw him up intentionally, but I will inevitably screw him up in some way. You will too. You aren't perfect, you screw up, make mistakes, yell too much, don't do enough, you fail. The good news is so does everyone else!
If we can just take a bit of the pressure off, listen to our grandparents, and focus our lives on what's important, we can have that fairy tale ending. Our happiness is only made available within ourselves first. Give yourself a break and try to enjoy those sleepless, sand eating little people, and the underwear slinging, workaholic, amazing man next to you at night!
You win!
No comments:
Post a Comment