Letter to My 13 Year Old Self

Letter to my 13 year old self-

 

Dear Child, calm down.  You are going to be OK.  I am sorry for your times till now, but it will be Ok in the end.

 

Dear child, stop fighting.  You are not in a war with the world.  You are not needing to be in a war with yourself, it is going to get better. Stop hating everyone for what you went through, it wasn’t the world, and the whole world isn’t’ against you.  If you could see the ones waiting to help and love you, you wouldn’t be so focused on those who don’t. Especially your mother.

 

Dear child, your body is perfect.  It doesn’t need to cause you shame.  Silly little twit, you are smooth, thin, and gorgeous in your youth.  Please stop hating it.  It was a gift from God.  What a waste to hate yourself for your looks.  This is not going to change, and is not helpful to anyone.  The girls that called you ugly are only insecure themselves. You are worthy of eating, you are worthy of wearing a bathing suit, you are worthy of having three meals a day.  Your vision of perfection is not realistic.  It is hurtful to your mind.  Those women don’t exist, and you are perfect the way you are. Even if you were a hideous ogre, you are still owrthy of love and will find it.

The reality of your beauty will come, long after it has begun to fade.  When the stretch marks of your children become marks of pride.  When your forehead begins to wrinkle with the questioning faces you have made in learning new things.  With the smile lines around your eyes that were created….from smiling.

 

Dear child, stop hating men and marriage.  You do not have a good model of what a happy family is.  This does not mean you can’t learn a template all your own for a family. You have not seen happy, but you will create it later.  You hate men because they have not treated you well to this point.  You have been taken advantage of, and this wasn’t your fault.  You have put yourself in scary situations because you don’t feel worthy of happiness or love.  This is shit, so stop it.  Stop hurting yourself through men, and in turn hurting them back.

 

Please stop believing you are destined for nothing.  Nik was smarter than you, but did not come out with more knowledge.  Aaron is cuter than you, but did not come out with a better looking spouse.  The way you compare yourselves to them is so pointless in the end.  Their opinions of you do not make your reality, so stop it.  Just stop. You will learn your brothers are just people.  They have their good and their bad, and they are to be respected for things, and despised for things….but mostly respected.  They came from the same mould, just not the same Jello. You are destined for such amazing things girl.  If you would just follow your dreams, from the beginning.  Child, you will live them, just have a bit of self worth to do so.  You are worthy of happiness.

 

Dear child stop hurting others in a bid to make you feel better.  The thing’s you regret are not that you didn’t fight harder, but that you hurt others.  Stop with the loud mouth, big shot, fight the world attitude.  You will regret those moments, and any pain you caused to others.  When you look back, you will see the missed opportunities to help others, the love you could have offered, and the hurt you caused instead.  You are just fighting against your own insecurities.  Child, please stop fighting.  You don’t see the pain you are carrying.  You don’t even see the hurt you carry, you just have flipped it to hatred, and it does nothing but hurt others.

Dear child, there is a God.  He’s the one who changes it around for you in the end.  I pray you knew him sooner, but it all comes in the right time.  You are so afraid of death, and that all is a waste of time.  You aren’t dead for at LEAST 19 years, so chill out about that.  Your obsession, is mostly linked to your feeling of not being worthy of life.  You are.

Child, you are sad for your children.  You say “ I feel sorry for whatever poor soul decides to be my kid” and this is wrong.  You will have children that even if you may not be worthy of them, you will love their faces off.  You will be a good mother.  Not the best, but you will realise there is no “Perfect” mom, and that’s OK.  You will see that as a mother, you can love them, and do the right thing for them; even when the odds are stacked against you. You will find a consistency in you, you never knew existed.  You will learn to apologise, and you will learn to put your selfish self….second.  Have fun with your self centred ways now sweetie, because they fly right out the door in time!

Child forgive them… ALL OF THEM.  Forgive those that make bad choices, and hurt you.  Forgive every human that crosses your path, because if you don’t, the resentment just hangs on you like mud. If you can know that other people are just living their experiences, maybe you can see the good in those people.  Maybe, you could see that you are just living your experiences, and not be so hurt as well.  You don’t need to hate yourself for your choices, just forgive YOU, and learn, and move on. Please child forgive yourself.

Dear child, your life gets better.  I don’t want to tell you how much better, as you may not do anything, and just hang out and wait for 26.  You need to go through your struggles, and you need to learn.  Just be patient.

You are good.  You are kind. You are strong. You are beautiful.  You are worthy.