"Why do I only hear about it on Facebook?!"
Well, I'll tell you why, I realise I have to process everything out loud.  Do you know that bottle that you cram all your emotions in deep down and never talk about them?  No, me neither!  It comes in my brain, and out my mouth.  I can't not talk about it.  Can I keep a secret?  Sure, until I see someone else, then I will tell that person.  Not because I don't care about you, but because I can't process it in my head without talking about it first. 
If I process something in my head it goes like this; I got mugged in the park and my purse was stolen....... What did I look like on my drivers license photo? Wonder how much I weighed on it.  What's for lunch? That's a cute dog, I like dogs.
See, doesn't complete it's transaction.  So that, THAT is why I always talk about it on Facebook.  I need to process out loud.  I think that is part of when you know you are a writer.  When it just comes easier out loud, to the world. It just makes sense this way.

I don't really want to hear about it anymore, so now I will blog.  There is too much shit in my life, not to talk about it.  I should write a book, but I guess this will have to do for now.  Especially with the fact I don't really "follow through" with much of anything. All my intentions are good, ending famine in the Congo through Goats for Life, Raising money for the Roberts Family, writing a cookbook, adopting babies, so on and so fourth.  It only gets to a really great idea, a start of action, then a hard core head flop.  Not sure where the head flop comes into play.

I went to get my 6 week ultrasound today.  Now I have to start my blog backwards because it doesn't make sense going from the beginning.  Shit, the beginning was probably when I was 5 years old, so lets just go Quentin Terintino for a second, and see how the story unfolds?

Tanya my best friend by my side.  I can't do much alone, but I am really good at pretending I'm not afraid until after the fact.  Like, when Tanya had to come to get the lump on my breast examined.  We always have fun in the waiting rooms laughing and making inappropriate jokes about finding my husband a new wife on e harmony before I die. I did almost do that.  I got as far as to writing a Nanny job description. If I was going to have breast cancer, we could have someone watch the kids appropriately at least. I am great at the jokes of my impending doom, and Tanya is great at reading through my bullshit, and knowing the perfect moment after the test to let me cry in her arms from the built up tension. Every woman needs a girlfriend like that.

This time wasn't much different from the breast cancer scare. I am pregnant. Fine and fun for most, scary as hell for me. I have lost the last two pregnancies.  Both at 7 weeks. Both in the last 6 months.  Fuck. Pregnant again.  Don't get me wrong, I want a baby more than anything in this world right now, and I promise you if I don't have another child I will embark on a crazy cat lady endeavour of such epic proportion.... One of which the world has never seen!!!  So yes, I want a baby... I just don't want to lose another baby.

I honestly used to think "You miscarried?  Um, boo hoo dude, you were pregnant for like a second.... You didn't know the baby, you couldn't even feel it kick.  Like, ho cares?"  Yea....wow..... That is NOT what it's like!  The second I say the two lines, that was my baby!  I was gonna be a mommy again!  I had a name, and a glow, and started my 9 months of complaining and winging!  I was PREGNANT!  Then as I stood in line at the check out....of course I had the chatty cashier, the one at Woolworths with the short hair...you know her.... I felt the blood.  It  wasn't a little bit of blood, it was a gush of blood. I wanted that baby.  THAT baby.  The barely there, baby I didn't know, and didn't feel move. I loved that baby. So yea, miscarriage isn't like that.

So this ultrasound.  I have known I was pregnant since the day it would appear on a pregnancy test, so I have been waiting for this ultrasound for a few weeks now.  With Tanya by my side, there it was..... a yolk sac, and nothing else.  She brings in another doctor to tell me it could be fine, and just too early, or it could be not a viable pregnancy. It's too early to tell. I have been shaking my head for about 2 hours now.  Damn.  Little yolk sac.  Little jerk yolk sac. I just wanted to know it was there, I wanted to see a little heart beat, and feel like there was something there..... Nothing.  More uncertainty.  Little jerk yolk sack.  Will have more in 7-10 days!
LL