The 2nd Baby

"James, there's another baby...."
What?  Where? Why?  Do you think you are up for it?  Can you emotionally handel it?
"I am so emotionally screwed up, that a decision to parent really wouldn't phase me. We have spent $40,000, I'm in America, I still want a baby, losing Titus or not, I am still looking for my child.  Can we try?"
Well, yes.  We can try.
I sent in the request to be submitted to adopt a baby girl.  A girl?  Man I wanted a boy.  I always wanted a little boy.  I had a psychologist once tell me Haven has a gender disorder because he had heard me say how badly I wanted a little boy.  All crap, as Joliet knows how badly I want a little boy and basically craps rainbows, pink, butterflies and barbies! But after losing Titus, I just wanted a healthy baby. A healthy, not seizing, able to enter the country, child to love and adore.
We spent the day at my old barber shop with my awesome old boss.  Oh, how I loved my job.  It was a happy, funny, party all day with laughing and bitching, and awesomeness.  She let me play with her twin grand babies, and we had fun putting them both on James' lap.  The look of terror on his face confirmed his NO TWINS policy. Fun day!  As I get done telling my story of Titus, and our loss, we are walking out the door and I get a text message. 
"WE GOT SELECTED TO ADOPT THE BABY GIRL!!!!"
shut......up.
Oh my God, it's a girl.  I shout the news, and my old boss hears.  "This is how you adopt babies in America?  By TEXT MESSAGE?!?!" Well, yes.  In a way.  After being through the American adoption system, I have a few observations.  One is that yes, you can get notified you are a parent by text message.  Five minutes later I was on the phone with the facilitator.  She said she would conference call the birth mother right then so I could speak to her.  Since I had spoken to a birth mother before, this wasn't scary.  The first time I think my gosh what do I say?  Now I'm like, put that woman on the phone! We have things to discuss!!
She was shy, quiet, and sweet.  I think I was a bit over bearing, and the facilitator mentioned after the call that I really barely let her talk.  Well, sorry, but I just lost a baby, and I wasn't gonna pussy-foot around with this one.
"Listen Jane, (name changed) I will love you, support you, and be there for you, but I can not lose another child.  You can change your mind up until the second I walk in the room and meet that baby do you understand?  I will never be angry if you decide to parent, but we are in this together now.  You need to talk to me, you need to be completely honest here.  I promise I will never lie to you or your baby, but you need to promise right now, that you wont lie to me."
She hung up the phone with me and told the facilitator I was her daughters mother and she loved me. 
Baby was due in 7 days.   I was in Denver, she was in North Carolina.  We spoke and text messaged 30 times a day.  She was 22, a single mom to a 4 year old. She tried her best, but she couldn't do another baby on her own.  We had a pretty open adoption plan, and I knew she was brave as hell for going through this.  How completely scary. 
The day before her induction James and I packed up.  Headed to LaGuardia.  Strangely dad got a bit lost.  Still in the car she calls me.  "I can't do this. " She was hysterical. Well, I didn't meet the baby yet, so we turned the car around and drove home. I got in bed, and cried myself to sleep for a bit.  I usually sleep when it hurts. 
6pm the same night the facilitator called. "Jane called me and apologised, she still wants to go through with the adoption."
James said under no circumstance should I go before she signs the paperwork, and so did the facilitator.  Under no circumstance should I go. Well, you know me!  I decided that if she did decide to parent, I was fully prepared.  I had just felt it, so it wasn't a big deal.  If she did go through with the adoption and this was my baby, then I needed to be there to welcome her into the world.  I refused to miss her out of fear.
So I left.  Parents and husband shaking their heads as I left, but I got on that plane.
I met her at the hospital.  It was a big awkward, but OK.  She was ready, and so was I.  There was no one there, just her and I.  We started her induction, and started our loooong wait.  We spent all day talking, and getting to know each other.  That night about 7pm the father of the baby walks in the room.  Well, first of all I didn't think there WAS a father of the baby, and second, WHAT THE FUCK?!  I think that was my exact text message to James. 
The father walked over to me, shy, hangs his head and shakes my head.  I smile and go back to playing on my ipad.  He sits next to Jane and starts talking about whatever.  I couldn't hear them.  He leaves after a bit and I just stared at Jane... Um???  "Well that was weird." She said. "His daughter was in the ER so he came up to say hi."   Reallllllly........ what the fuck.    About 4 hours later around 10:30pm, there was still nothing going on labour wise.  They were about to give up and let her sleep for a few hours as she wasn't dilating, and the contractions were weak. I helped her get an epidural, and we got comfy for the night.  Then knock knock, here comes the father again.  He sits down next to me, and just starts talking.  He tells me how he has 3 degrees but they live in that little town and he couldn't find a job.  He just couldn't support another kid.  I told him about me, and Australia, and our family, and everything.  I told him everything.  He said he was happy I was adopting her and left for the night.
Joliets birthday is the 21st, Haven 23rd, Me 24th, James 25th.  We needed a 22nd to complete our number chart.  This baby was induced the 21st, but waited to come until 3am on the 22nd.  I sure thought that was a sign!  Our 22nd!!!!!
12am I finally went back to the hotel.  I was exhausted from hospital life and needed to sleep.  3am I get the phone call she is finally dilated.  Back to the hospital!  Labour went well, quick, and easy.  Jane was a trooper with pain, and barely made a sound!  I was the only one with her.  Held her leg, helped basically deliver the baby, and cut the umbilical cord myself!  It's a girl! Holy crap!!! 
The doctors had to run to an emergency down the hall, so I stayed with the baby.  Jane really needed to distance herself, which I thought was brave as well, so I gave the baby tonnes of love.  Just spent our time.  About an hour later the father came in.  He took one look at her, and his face changed.  The baby looked exactly like him, and I think he realised it in that second.  Yikes. He said to me.  "I will bring my paperwork back tomorrow." Then he left.
The next day Jane, baby and me all spent time together.  I let them take a nap alone, and Jane let me breastfeed the baby.  I named her Kiri. Don't know why, she just looked like a Kiri. I went to lunch that day and called James.. I knew this wasn't my baby.  I was so hurt by Titus that I knew I wasn't letting myself bond with the baby.  The fact is, I didn't bond with Joliet right away.  How funny.  Joliet is now the light of my life, so I knew bonding would come.  I just didn't feel like this was my baby.
James was thrilled that I didn't bond, because that meant if anything were to go wrong, I would be able to cope emotionally.  North Carolina has a 7 day revocation period.  The highest of any state.  That meant, that the birth mother could change her mind anytime up to 7 days.  That's a LONG time in adoption world.
The next morning was adoption day.  I had bought Titus literally $1500 worth of stuff, he was the best dressed baby in the NICU baby!  When I left, I left everything with him, so I didn't want to do that again.  So now that papers were being drawn up and I was able to take Kiri home, I finally went to the mall to get the stuff I needed.  Pretty fun actually!  About 11am, it was back to the hospital with my stuff, car seat and all.  Once again, I was sitting in the waiting room ready for my baby, car seat and diaper bag.  What a silly sight that must be for whomever walked by.  I signed my adoption paperwork, and she signed hers. She said the father was on his way with his signed paperwork.
And we waited.....and waited....and waited.  To be honest I wasn't worried, I kinda just thought he couldn't be bothered.  I finally went to get some lunch as I hadn't eaten all day.  During lunch Jane calls me and says he just showed up.  I told her to spend some time together, take all the time they need, as we both knew this would be the last time they would spend face to face.  I cried for her pain, and told her I could be in the waiting room when they were ready.
I was in the waiting room.  Son of a bitch.
Jane walked in crying.
"He is keeping her.  He said he spoke to a lawyer, asked to sign paternity papers, and is now taking full custody of the baby." 
What. The. Fuck.
So just to clarify what this man did.  The mother had signed away her rights to that baby that moment, so the father after declaring paternity, was able to swoop in, take the baby, and avoid court, child support, custody hearings.  He cheated the entire system.  Well he did say he had three degrees!
My reaction was surprising.  I wanted to kick the door in, but I hugged her, told her I'm sorry but I need her to walk in the room, bring me every single thing I had bought that little girl (Sorry, but that SOB wants to be a daddy, then get started mate!)
She brought my stuff, I ripped my arm band off and walked out alone.  With an empty car seat again.  Again.
I have to admit, that I reacted poorly after, I was just SO MAD.  The reality is that wasn't my baby and I knew it, I would always have compared her to Titus, and she just wasn't mine. I went back to the hotel alone, and Jay, oh I forgot to mention Jay...... Jay was a 21 year old hotel manager.  He was delightful, and became my friend while I was in North Carolina.  I had no one to talk to, so I would enlist Jay, and basically told him my entire adoption story.  He was so excited when I left to go get the baby, he had the hotel room all set up with baby stuff.  Jay.... God bless Jay.  Anyways, I went back to the hotel to Jay.  he was devastated with me.
There was a miracle.  I have a friend in Australia, who just happened to be in America, and just happened to be going to north Carolina.  And I needed her.  My friend Karen, flew in to be with me.  Jay thought it was pretty cool there were two Australians in North Carolina.  My friend ate with me, spoke with me, and the fact she was there, I slept that night.  She gave me a gift so amazing.  Don;t know how much that might have cost her, but to me it was priceless.
I slept.
So then I was gone again.  Back to my husband and beautiful kids.  And that was the 2nd baby.
LL