Salvation

James doesn't get it.  He watches me in a shocked/scared/helpless fashion.  Someone has said something unkind, hurt someone else, not taken responsibility for themselves, or performed some small injustice against another human being....and I am devastated. 

He has no clue what to do with me... "So you're saying the woman at the checkout was rude to another customer....and you are now curled in a ball on the living room floor?"

Yea, that about covers it. He doesn't get why my heart gets so fully hurt from the world, especially when 5 years ago, I could give a damn about you, or you, or that guy.  You couldn't hurt my feelings with a led pipe!  You said something that offended me?  I would just punch you in the face!  Who cares!!!!

Well, there is a reason all that changed. I sometimes wonder if it was a blessing or a curse. Softening my heart, and caring. It was very much easier just to despise everyone, and only look out for myself.  It was easier not trying, not wanting to help others, and just fully being self obsessed and truly unkind.

I was a drunk. I found this really wicked awesome way of staying thin at the same time!  It has a buzz word name now of "alcorexic"  Oh buzz words... *eyes rolling.*   I would drink coffee until about 4pm, then drink beer till I passed out!  Never hungry, super skinny, and yes, about to literally die.  I could go for 5 days with no food. I was young enough that the make up kept me presentable. I knew how much I could drink so hang overs stopped hurting.

I was a single mother, and I loved Haven more than I loved myself, but I could not stop drinking for her. I could not stop drinking for anyone. I loved my child, but the fact was, she was better without me. The day I realised that, was the day I was saved.

I used to think of Christians, especially when they used the word "Getting Saved" as the most self righteous, annoying people.  How dare you tell me you are "saved" and I'm not?  Why are you so special? Yea, I didn't get it.

I will always remember the day it happened.  Haven was at daycare and I got on my knees in my apartment alone. "God, if you are there, I need you. I can't do my life anymore.  I need you to take my life completely as I suck at running it, or I am going to take my own life. Haven is better off without me." And that's all it took.  Me humbling myself to any power greater than myself. That day changed me forever. I was "saved."

How does this make me a nice person?  Christians usually aren't that nice.  They picket funerals, and hate gay people.....yea, getting to that.

So after recovery, getting healthy, and completely reconnecting with Haven. All by the grace of God, I could not do that on my own, as I tried to do it over and over. All glory be to God, means that a miracle happened to me, and I take no credit. I prayed my way to finding James and moving to Australia.  I prayed my way into a church, a real church, where I heard about Jesus.

To make it simple. God starts and ends in my heart, with the message of Jesus. You could disprove Jesus, and I would still hold onto his message. You could disprove God, and I would still live by the message of Jesus. There is nothing science can throw at me that can 1. Discredit God saving a wretch like me 2. disprove my having a continual daily relationship with God and 3. That Jesus' message, is the most important message ever created for man.

What gets me wound up, is how many people don't know the message, and how many CHRISTIANS forget the message completely, and go off making the rest of us look like hate filled crack heads!!!!
So what is it?
 I am loved, and I am forgiven. I am forgiven, because there is not a single human on earth that does not sin. God loves me warts and all. Grace, I do not deserve forgiveness, because when it comes down to listing all the horrible shit I have done in my life, I promise I am up there with Hitler.  Forgiveness, I must forgive others for not being who I want them to be.  I am probably not who they ordered either.  This be a murderer, rapist,  a car jacker, my father.  I chose to forgive, because I am not who others have wanted me to be either. I will forgive you. Jesus forgave me. And the part of the message, that most the Christians are forgetting, is judgement.
You can judge no one, less you be judged.

Why did the whole church full of people just miss this? I got it day one! And I live by it. I don't always live it, because I am fallible, but I heard it, I understand it, and I accept it as fact, truth, and the way to world peace.

So what happened when I held myself open to Gods love, was a softening of my heart? This was the curse/blessing. It can't be hard and hateful anymore, because hate fights off love.  I have love, and give love, even when it hurts so bad it almost kills me. (Titus.)  The pain I felt losing my adopted son, was the pain I feared my entire life.  If I had never loved that much, I would never have to be in that much pain if I lost that person. I felt the pain, and I do not regret the love I gave.

So the reason,  that it hurts me so badly, is that every time someone hurts another person, or sets up hate fan pages against disabled kids, or wont take responsibility for their actions, or is rude to someone else, or hateful, or hurtful... It's because my heart is soft now, and it means that that angry, hurtful person, hasn't heard the message.  They have not heard the message, that now allows me to love others. That hateful, judgemental person, didn't hear the message that saved my life, and gave the other three people in this house a family.  The woman at the checkout who was so rude, didn't hear about grace.    It physically hurts, that the world could now be in peace, if we all just heard the message.

I argue with some Christians about homosexuality, as there are things listed in the bible about it.  So, they will go quote text from other parts of the bible.... They forgot the only part of the bible that really matters. Jesus, judge no one.  And Jesus loves you.. you. and you, and the gay person, and the ass hole, and the alcoholic.  God loves everyone. 

So today I was dumb-founded by a person I don't know who has created an agenda from my child's hardships.  And I cry.  I cry and I cry, that she didn't hear the message of peace and love, and that instead she is a bigot ass hole. A bigot ass hole, that one day could affect how my child functions in the world.  And it affects my life, and it hurts my heart. But I forgive her.  I have to, but it still hurts me. I can admit my pain now.So I cry. But I don't regret finding God, or Love, as I prefer to call it.  It has brought me my husband, and kids, and seriously amazing friends.  Love has brought me help for others, and amazing experiences.  Love has also kicked my ass because it hurts when others don't get it. They chose otherwise.

I went 5 years without crying. I was proud of that. Now, I boast in my weakness, that I cry everyday, and will continue to love.. even when it hurts.
Laura