Love your enemy= Good Read!

Love my enemy?  What does that actually mean?

Love my enemy?  That sounds like a stupid idea, he’s a fucking jerk!  He’s mean to me!  He calls me names, put’s me down.  My enemy terrorizes me, hates me, abuses me.  My enemy hates who I am and what I believe.  My enemy hates me for the person I am.  Love him?  He hates me.

 

And because of this- is why he needs love the most.

Happy people do not cause other people intentional unhappiness.  If you are a happy person, you would NEVER hurt someone else. 

When someone attacks you for whatever reason, you are hurt.  You immediate response is to attack back and make that person hurt as much as they have hurt you.  This happens most in intimate relationships.  You hate your partner at times because you have opened yourself up so wide that any hurt, is a deep hurt.

When we respond in retaliation to our attacker, it only ends in war.  Hurt responding with hurt, it’s just who can hurt more.  No one wins, both sides are lost and wounded.  War is only who can hurt the most.  That is never peace.

So who would an appropriate enemy be to love?  How can you get started?  I would like to nominate

Bernard Gaynor!!!!  Take a moment and read his headlines.  I personally for obvious reasons read these comments and bigoted hatred, and my entire body wants to attack him.  He hurts me.  He hurts my family, and my friends.  If you are friends of mine, I am sure he hurts you too. 

If I take a step back, wipe away his face, and read the words of a terribly hurt and broken man.  He has obviously been so hurt and tormented (possibly be being gay himself.  No joke intended) that he has to attack other people and pretend it’s God.   Right.  That’s what the bible says! A sane, healthy, happy man could NEVER say these words.  Only a man living in some serious fear could possibly judge people so ignorantly and with such hate.  It’s like hitting a child.  It’s like if a little kid, or abusing a sick person! To hate is to be sick.  To judge is to be sickest.

So if I fallowed instinct, I would attack.  I would hurt him with words as he has hurt me.  What would the outcome be?  2 more broken people. So I will make the choice to love.  I will love my enemy. Because he can’t hate what never hurts him.

I be-friend him on Facebook.  I write him a letter.  Please read, and feel free to copy and send to your enemies as well.  Hell, send it to Bernard Gaynor!

Dear ___Bernard Gaynor______________,

I am so sorry for whomever has hurt you so badly, you feel you need to spread hatred.  I am

Because people are only bigots out of fear and ignorance. I am a Christian saved by grace and would love to befriend you! I’m sorry you are hurt so badly you feel you need to harm others. I hope I can show you some love instead of your hate.

 It must be hard being hated, but I'm assuming you feed off the attention  and conflict. Loving people can get you even more attention than hate! I would love to show you that.  When you stop judging people and forgive yourself and others, life becomes so much warmer, safer and happier.  I love you in your wickedness as Jesus loves me.

I would love to hear what has happened to fuel your hate, and get to know you on a deeper level.  I would love to help relieve your burden of hurting people, because it only eats at you.  A kind Bernard Gaynor who spreads love, would do so much more good for the planet that spreads hate.  Let’s do that together brother!

Love always,

Laura

 

The most important time to love your enemy?  Is when that hateful person is you.  When you are unkind, and mean, and nasty.  When you find yourself gocking at someones terrible outfit, or judging the fat lady with her cheeseburger.  When you spread hate, you are only hurting yourself.  No Laura, she’s not stupid, she just hurt your feelings.  You are hurt.

BUT I DON’T GET THE SATISFACTION OF TELLING THEM TO FUCK RIGHT OFF?!?!?!

Bo- you don’t.  It’s a take one for the team kinda thing; but honey only the champions of the earth have taken one for you.  Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Matthew Shepherd, JESUS? Who hasn’t taken one for you?  So no, right this moment you don’t get the gratification of telling them their wife is ugly, or hurting them momentarily. But the next time, some asshole wants to call someone a “faggot” and you had apologized for them being so hurt and asked them to go get a cup of coffee so you can get to know each other better.  Maybe he won’t!  The next time a woman looks at you with disgust because you have tattoos, and scoffs in line, if you make sure to smile warmly and pay her parking on the way out of the lot, maybe next time she wants to be nasty she won’t.

Is this a stupid idea?  Yea, probably.  But it would literally change the world.. 

I love you friends!  And enemies J

Internet Alter Ego's

God, I wonder what happens now with the human race that we all have Internet alter egos. These bastard alter egos are all of a sudden opinionated, and judgemental, and abusive to strangers. These alter egos that live tapping keyboards that didn’t exist 10 years ago.  Our kids are now going to grow up with two personalities, when you and I just got introduced to ours recently.  Their alter egos will have developed alongside them because they always knew a keyboard, text message half-self that would courageously type away a controversial thought or judgement or joke, one which their regular self would never dare say.

We are just now being introduced to this person who just used to whisper in the back of our minds, never dare making a public appearance (except for the possible late night after 2 too many wines nights.

Who are these people? Do you like yours?  I really like some peoples; it makes them funnier, and more outgoing.  Some IAE’s bring out peoples caring side, their “Hey, I CARE” personality.  My IAE?  It’s me after too many wines.  I am in person,  and otherwise, offensive, loud, opinionated, and judgemental, but I am honest.  Fully honest. I think my IAE is even more honest than I am, but she can’t type fast enough to explain herself.  She doesn’t understand that typing has no intonation, it has no sarcastic tone, my IAE doesn’t get there is no tone at all, so her sarcasm gets taken as “huge bitch.” When she was really just trying to be funny.

But then enter the ASSHOLES!

Those who’s IAE’s are real dicks.  Judgemental, and nasty to a painful state.  These people known for being meek and mild, all of a sudden come out of the woodwork with Satan’s spew released through their IAE’s.  Their IAE’s are dick heads!   They are racist, sexist, homophobic, arrogant pricks, and it just flows on out! They are arrogant, and feast on the confrontation. They confront everyone with Thor’s Staph, dominating with their self-diagnosed genius.    Everyone is an idiot, but them…to them.

Then, comes those who’s  Internet  Alter Ego is one  that responds to these people with rioting vengeance. They throw down with  no holds barred, throw down and stand up for the injustices’ of the world, but only behind a screen.  People honestly believing they are saving the environment by posting Memes about how to do so, all the while driving SUV’s  to jobs as office employee’s. The same people who wouldn’t stand up for anyone outside of the comfort of their living rooms.

We all know what internet alter ego’s really are though.  They are just us amplified. The reality, I believe however, is every one of those alter ego personalities live within each of us.  It’s just who’s honest enough to admit it. 

We are ALL judgmental dick heads in our heads. We all are mean, and nasty, caring, kind, funny and sweet.  We all laugh at the stupid cat video, and we all secretly think our friends are idiots. We all roll our eyes, tell the bully to F off, stand up for the little guy.  We all keep someone on our Facebook friends list just because their life is an entertaining train wreck. We all secretly love that we only have to communicate with family by way of typing, as calling half of them would make you want to jab yourself in the eye with a fork.  We all drive cars, and don’t recycle everything possible, while still posting Facebook Memes about how to save the environment.

The reality is our Internet  Alter Egos, are all exactly the same.  They are us, after a few glasses of wine too many.  They are the voices that used to whisper, and now type.  It’s still quiet as it spreads on the paper, it just seems to get louder as others read and respond….with their internet alter egos.

  

I called her at 2pm.  I always called at 2pm.  It's what I did.  The only thing strange is she didn't answer this time.
I walked up to her work front door, and saw the ambulance "That's lame, hope everyone is OK."  All I could think of was what her reaction to my new clothes would be.  I owed my mother money.  I ALWAYS owed her money, because I was a stupid high school kid with more wants than funds as most kids. I bought new clothes today and would inevitably get yelled at for shopping instead of paying her back.  Right on.  Fair enough. It was a cute shirt though.
I walked in and there was the police officer and paramedic.  "Your mother is very very sick, you need to go to the hospital."
Huh.
Why would they say that?  Why is her boyfriend here?  He sat on the couch looking bewildered.  I guess he found her dead.  He didn't tell me that until later.
I was 18 years old.
I sat down on the floor and called my boyfriend and best friend to come meet me at the hospital.  I called my brother to come too. When I got there I was met by a priest.  Why did I still think there was no way this was happening?  Maybe a priest meets all the patients families?  My best friend knew that wasn't the case because when the priest came out to meet them they took off immediately.  I guess other people know when bad things are near.
"Your mother passed away." I hit the wall with my forearm.  It was a bit surreal and like a movie.  Like I was some lost little girl who lost her mother.  Problem was I was some lost little girl who lost her mother,
My friend lost his father last week, and his wife lost her mom last year.  The shocking similarity was that the second I saw them both in their grief, in their 30's.  They both looked as little children.  Both successful doctors, with careers, and adult lives, when losing their parents looked as children. 
To think, I was just a child.
It was a nice day I remember and walked outside the ER.  I dropped to my knees and the only thought was hoping no one would see me.  I was so hurt that I thought I would die there, but didn't want my reaction to effect others.  I am hurt, please don't you hurt too. I need to fall, I need to let out the pressure on my chest and in my heart, but please don't look.
Her boyfriend finally showed up and sat next to me in silence on a sidewalk curb.  I called her sister who yelled at me when I told her she was dead.  I just handed the phone to him.  Fuck you. I'm the kid.  You suck.
Then Aaron came.  He pulled into the parking lot and I lost my soul to go somewhere safe.  Like my soul was too scared to face him so she left and the shell of me went to him.  This shell of Laura that was like a coat of armour.  "She's dead." I grabbed him and he took off toward the street.  Later to find out he was going into traffic but stopped at the last minute.  My soul summoned some courage as the team of family counsellors congregated in the ER doorway to try to help.  We looked at them with a fear and hatred in our eyes, like they were at fault for her death.  They stay there waiting for us, and we knew we had to leave.  We silently looked at each other, got in the car and left.  That was the moment we knew we were forever alone.  Forever together, and forever different.

Belief in God "irrational?" THE HELL IT IS!!

A belief in God is irrational?  Like hell it is!

It's like the buzz word among atheists.  To believe in anything greater than yourself is "Irrational."  I'm sorry what now? I don't understand the debate over God much in the first place.  I can't give you a photo of him, and you can't prove me wrong.  So, where is the discussion really?  The reality of a belief in God, or relationship with God, is that either you have it or you don't. "Being Saved." Is an actual thing that happens.  I'm not sure why it doesn't happen to everyone, but when a man of God is trying to tell you about a saviour, it's a gift of love.  It can very easily be a gift you don't want, or don't know you want, like a foot spa.  Thanks, but no thanks right? A debating atheist is not giving you ANYTHING, they are trying, and I underline trying to TAKE something from someone else.  That right there should tell you something.  This is a debating atheist, not just Alan on the street who thinks my tattoos are stupid and God isn't real and he is convinced of that. 
So the discussion to day is this word IRRATIONAL> 
I am going to number this, so if anyone decides this isn't fact, or valid, please use the number chart to save time.

1. Being an empiricist.  I fully believe that you only truly understand the things in life you experience yourself.  You can read about bungee jumping, and if the experience is written well, you can almost see yourself and feel yourself do the jump.  Your heart can race, you can almost get the gush of air and fear of the ledge.  Read about the experience, then do it and I promise a fully insane new understanding of what you thought you knew.  It happens mostly with our core belief system.  My hatred of smoking growing up, and the weakness I thought addiction brought.  Only to become an addicted smoker.  Or thinking women as housewives were the weakest members of female society, only to become one and realise they are the backbone of families and utterly humanity as we know it! How about your parenting and things you swore you would NEVER do.  Or how you thought autism would be, only to have an autistic family member.  Your preception drastically changes when things actually HAPPEN to you.  That is God. God is an experience.  I was raised by an atheist, and had non belief in God whatsoever. I had an undeniable EXPERIENCE of God.  See, this doesn't make me irrational.  Not believing the experiences that directly happen to me would make me in denial, or abnegation .  It would be irrational to not believe that a bird just hit me in the head walking home, and pretending it didn't happen, because no one else on the walk home saw the bird.  And since the experience of God is positive, and happy, and shared by MILLIONS of people, having a common faith seems pretty amazingly rational to me.

2. Law of causality. NOTHING COMES FROM NOTHING.  Atheistic evolution; Everything came from nothing. Let's be blunt.  THAT IS FUCKING IRRATIONAL AND STUPID> Not saying it didn't, (because no one has proved that) but it is the exact same bit of irrationality as saying everything came from something.... wait....that makes sense! So the basic fact of an atheist believing we all came from nothing, is irrational. Theist evolution; we all came from something, then evolved a bit. (This is more where I am standing at the moment.  However, the patterns and similarities of animals over time really looks more like the design of a creator instead of the design of chaos and evolutionary change.)  There are so many evolutionary theories that keep getting disproven i.e, all those Galapagos island reptiles really didn't evolve, they were very different species. Also, if humans were still evolving, we should have had pretty drastic evolutionary changes by now, such as darker skin, and I'm not sure why we would be so evolved and be the only species on earth that destroys our own habitat and environment.  That's stupid. So the belief in God from the pure fact NOTHING has EVER come from nothing, and a creator is behind existence is fully beautifully rational.

3. NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCES- I came up with this thought about proof of an afterlife a few months ago and threw it out on Face book, not knowing much about it.  I got about 60 responses, and not knowing any better just thought them fact.  Things like "They were dreaming." And "Science can disprove it."  So it peaked my interest, and became my study of hobby.  YOU ARE ALL FREAKING WRONG P.S! Near death experience is not only nero scientist studied, scientifically journaled, proven phenomenon, it is a repeatable process.  It is now a testable theory, as hospitals studying the phenomenon, are randomly placing pictures on the top shelves of ER rooms and OR rooms.  This way, if a human physically left their body, are on the ceiling as thousands upon thousands of cases report, it becomes more than theory, it becomes fact.  This phenomenon alone, is the smoking gun of my theories, and now a root point of my beliefs. These people all say the SAME THING!  It will PROVE an existence of an afterlife, proving the existence of a soul, therefore PROVING THE EXISTENCE OF A CREATOR OF SAID SOUL!!!!!!!  That's AWESOME!!!!!   Now, the countless atheists I have shut down, after learning all knowledge I can of this subject, like a fat kid eating cake,  is great, one point God, but so many people still reject it.  It's like, you are asking for proof, I am giving you amazing beautiful proof, and you still reject it. The issue then becomes yours. The answer is right there.  It is fear, denial, the reality being uncomfortable, especially when you spend your whole life fighting against something?  What's the word for that?  When people will fully deny something because it makes them uncomfortable?  That's what NDE is.  Look into it fully!  "Do you believe in NDE?"  That's the weirdest thing to ask!  If you learn about it, you know it's true, so you have no choice! Man lying dead of a heart attack on his floor leaves his house to see his cousin outside the house vomiting. Like he made that up?  So to believe in a creator/God, with the facts of NDE as a backbone, is more than rational.  It's freaking bad ass and awesome!  Once again, it's hope, love, giving a gift.  Not taking one.

4. THE METAPHYSICAL- To believe that only Existence Exists which is another atheist buzz word, is so insanely irrational to me, I get gaggy. In the Congo, we just discovered a monkey.  A big ass monkey! The one with the silly face?  Remember? Did he just not exist last month?!  No, he was always there dude!  WE as humans just didn't see him! You couldn't prove there was a non-existent monkey.  The rational thought about finding a big ass new monkey species would be, that because humans inhabit so much of the earth, the likely hood of finding a new monkey would be slim to nil! But poof, there is a monkey. To have pure and utter faith that there is no God, is as irrational as you can get.  Just because you, Jill, or Adam, don't see him, doesn't mean he isn't there. YOU just haven't found him yet. Christopher Dawkins argument is that the universe is so vast it would be "petty" for a creator to care about us. Huh, I am worth the trouble! If God is love, then yes, it's not petty. Many bible verses back this up as well (but don't get me in on the bible as it isn't fully relevant to me, or to the existence of a creator.) Stephen Hawking says "If laws of nature are fixed, what is the need for God?" Personal relationships mate! I can answer that Steve!  He asks lot's of questions of God, not disproves him. To only believe the things you can see, to me is irrational. 

5. THE RATIONAL BELIEF IN JESUS CHRIST- I will end on this.  There is more, but if these 5 reasons are not "Rational Reasons to Believe in God."  Than refer to number 3. It's just facts not accepted on a personal level, because it makes you uncomfortable, not because they aren't rational.
The messages of Jesus Christ, (not the entire bible) a documented first ever biography of another person. This message was so important it was written by many many people at different times.  The bible can be very misinterpreted, and I will not deny I'm sure it has been edited, and edited, and translated, and interpreted many a times! The messages of Jesus Christ, can ONLY LEAD TO WORLD PEACE.  How many times can I write that? The messages of Jesus Christ, LEAD TO WORLD PEACE.  So say it was a fake message, a "Fairy Tale."  (Atheist buzz word) It is a fairy tale designed for world peace. How is it irrational to fallow that message???  If you were condemning no one, who would you be killing? If you were judging no one, who would you hate? If you loved your neighbour, who would you hate? So if anyone would like to tell me, how fallowing a recipe for world peace is irrational, I will happily sit and read it.  Then laugh at you.  Just kidding. If a person says that Jesus Christ is a fairy tale, yet would fix all of humanities issues, why not push for it anyways???!?!?!

Religion does not take from another person, it gives to them.  Atheism when attacking a man of God, attempts to take from that person.  That is irrational to me. God is not bound to your intellectual limitations, and God doesn't need to be boxed up. Where did God come from?  "The big bang!"  We can go around in circles, but if your faith (non belief in God, which IS A FAITH) needs to be validated by taking from another person, I would question that.

Discuss!

I'm Pretty...

I'm pretty. 
It's totally fine if you don't agree right off the bat, as most the time I don't really either.  It is however, something I was always told in the spot of "You're smart."
I was never really told I was smart as a kid/adolescent.  I got "You are pretty and bright."
This wasn't by a couple people, it was by basically everyone who ever had to describe me, ever. I actually noticed rather quickly, by like 10, the "pretty and bright."
At 30 years old, I have finally found myself, and comfort in who I am completely, so I can whole hearted, say I don't give a hoot what you think about me or my intelligence, however, I can look back and tell that the choices I made in my life, were directed by this opinion of me.  The choices I made about college; my mother told me often "college isn't for everyone." and I complied with choosing a career that I could use my artistic talents.  I never focused for worried about money, maybe because I never thought myself smart enough to make very much of it.
I was always told what a terrible speller I was, yet as an adult, can very easily spell too, to and two better than a lot of my 30 year old counterparts. I can also correctly use their, they're and there.  I'm not the best speller, but I get by with minimal spell check errors, and actually find myself a pretty proficient writer.
I have an older brother with a very high IQ.  HE is smart. Very smart, and I was the next kid after him.  He could read at 2, and no I am not exaggerating. He was so smart, and school came so easy for him, I think it had a big impact on how people perceived me.  I didn't like school at all, and it wasn't hard for me either, I just chose other things over school so I got terrible grades.  It wasn't hard for me, I think my mother believed it was just too hard for me, when in reality, I just would rather be outside or with friends, so I chose other things. I was a regular at summer school and correspondence, but this was a choice. 
I think as I get older, this stigma has stuck around, and it's not other peoples fault, it is my own.  I project that I am not smart, but funny, or crazy, because I was told so often that I feel this is who I have to be. That since no one ever affirmed that I am smart, I just must not be. 
Well how silly, and dangerous! I have been to 6 countries, I have friends and experience all over the world.  I went to college, and even though it was a trade, I was damn good at it!  I have read, and read, and learnt, and engaged with people from everywhere!  I let the Jehovah's witnesses in for a chat, I talk to the old lady on the corner talking to herself, I talk to the homeless guys, and have lived through some crap in my life.  Am I smart?  I'm bloody brilliant, and when I look around at all the sheeple, I am actually smarter than most!I know health, nutrition, parenting, marriage, religion, atheism, God, evolution. I know how to write a book, poverty, wealth and taxes. I know about suffering all over the world, and the reasons behind it.  I know love, and hate, and forgiveness, and spirituality.  I know, because I am smart.
Now, even though my entire life I was told how "pretty" I was, this wasn't a gift, it was a curse. I couldn't live up to "pretty." I wasn't that pretty.  So since it is the only thing I thought I had, It became all I focused on.  Weight, and looks, and make up, and the way I dressed.  bleh.  I was constantly looking for others' approval.  Breaking that cycle is so freaking difficult, and I still know so many adults who haven't.  I have learnt that no ones opinion of me determines my self worth, but its a continual reminder.  The fact is, half the planet thinks I'm butt-ugly.  But having that wisdom makes that just as meaning-less as those that think I am pretty.
I think the stigma hindered who I dated, as I wasn't smart enough to date a smart man. When I met my husband, I felt to damn insignificant in intellectual comparison, I almost didn't let myself have an opion about things.  How could I because he is THAT smart.
Once, again, and the moral of the story, is when I could realise that others opinions of me do not reveal my reality.  James is brilliant at so much that I am not, but then again when it comes to lot's of things, he is kinda a bone-head.  No offence to my husband, I am just saying the things I know he doesn't, and some of the stuff he knows I don't.  I can't let his IQ determine how intelligent I am.
We need to be aware of how we stereotype our kids, good and bad.  Even though you may think you are complimenting them, it can be a bit dangerous.  I have an aunt who taught me she never acknowledged her daughters weight or any ones weight in front of her.  Her daughter was skinny, and as a society we love to point out how skinny kids are, as well as chubby. By her doing that, it reminded me that weight isn't an issue for kids until YOU make it one for them.  Hell, it's one of the principals in my book! I know as we get older, most of us grow and learn about ourselves.  Why we are the way we are.  Alter the things we don't like, emphasise the things we do.  I just hope we can learn that our kids shouldn't be put in boxes, because our opinions mean so much to them.  It's easier said than done.  I for the life of me can't stop telling Joliet how beautiful she is, or telling Haven how brave he is.  But it's food for thought.
P.s. I'm smart, not pretty!

Just humour me

Actually-
Just humour yourself.  Open your mind and think about it for a second.  What if......
What if we come to earth only to learn lessons. Before, we come we sit and make a blueprint if you will for the events and things that will happen to us in life. The choices we make, prayers we pray, and fate all play into this life, and that is why we have free will and free choice.
Yes, your life is mapped out, but it's our decisions that are why we learn.
Why would you come?  Heaven is perfect. There is NO pain, so suffering, so death. Eternity in heaven is amazing, but what do you learn from the good bits? What do you learn when it's easy? Not as much as you learn from the hard bits.  The pain, the loss.  You learn from the challenges, and the defeats.  That's why we come.  We come here to learn. That's all.
So what do you chose? You chose your family. All the big things.  All those huge moments that stick out in your memory. The childhood illness, the loss of a best friend. The first kiss. You chose your partner, where you live, and the job.  You chose the drug addiction, the alcoholic mother, the tragedy.  Your confrontations that make you thrive and grow.
The reason it makes sense for everyone in every situation, is look at any celebrity.  The only people you "know" that have had their lives publicly displayed for you. Let's chose Britney Spears. She sat down with her blueprint of life. WHAT AN AWESOME BLUEPRINT! She becomes a child star, then her rise to fame, then drug addiction and loss, then the love, and the kids, and the losses.  What an awesome blueprint! What a story to tell.
What does your blueprint look like? What bullet points did you create? My own life, is so filthy amazing it makes me giddy.  That what I have learned in the past 31 years, and the ups and downs. The drama and joy, the love and loss. That extreme pain that I can carry, deal with, forgive, master, and create is a gift.  If only I had the memory to write it all out! Those hard bits were the learning, the love was the reward and reason to keep going through it all.
*Married parents and 2 brothers
*Parents divorce at 5
*Spend life vying for fathers attention
*Moving schools 11 times in 12 years
*Drug addiction
*High school love
*Mother dies
*Alcoholic
*Becoming single mother
*Quincy Hoss
*Losing best friend
*Finding God
*Finding my husband
*Children
*Australia
*Father died
*Failed adoptions
Like, this life is so freaking awesome!!  Most of those bullet points were the hard things.  And I can tell you the lessons learnt from every single one.  It was the hard that got me to the good, and I am assuming it is the same for you.
It works, look at your life? I would love to hear your bullet points!  I would love to hear the hard that you went through and how you either conquered it or are yet to overcome it? If it made you stronger, or killed you? 
It's your beautiful soul here to learn. What lessons will you take with you when you die?
This even works for the souls with the most suffering.  What about a child born with downs syndrom.  Why would someone chose that? Because those are the bravest souls.  They are learning so much through the hard, and the pain.  You don't know.  The starving kids in Africa, those are the brave souls.  Those are the ones we should be helping, as they are the ones who took on the hardest lives. They are the ones to admire, as they are the ones learning the most.  All temporary, all until we leave the earth.
Love life! It was your choice in the first place ;)

The 2nd Baby

"James, there's another baby...."
What?  Where? Why?  Do you think you are up for it?  Can you emotionally handel it?
"I am so emotionally screwed up, that a decision to parent really wouldn't phase me. We have spent $40,000, I'm in America, I still want a baby, losing Titus or not, I am still looking for my child.  Can we try?"
Well, yes.  We can try.
I sent in the request to be submitted to adopt a baby girl.  A girl?  Man I wanted a boy.  I always wanted a little boy.  I had a psychologist once tell me Haven has a gender disorder because he had heard me say how badly I wanted a little boy.  All crap, as Joliet knows how badly I want a little boy and basically craps rainbows, pink, butterflies and barbies! But after losing Titus, I just wanted a healthy baby. A healthy, not seizing, able to enter the country, child to love and adore.
We spent the day at my old barber shop with my awesome old boss.  Oh, how I loved my job.  It was a happy, funny, party all day with laughing and bitching, and awesomeness.  She let me play with her twin grand babies, and we had fun putting them both on James' lap.  The look of terror on his face confirmed his NO TWINS policy. Fun day!  As I get done telling my story of Titus, and our loss, we are walking out the door and I get a text message. 
"WE GOT SELECTED TO ADOPT THE BABY GIRL!!!!"
shut......up.
Oh my God, it's a girl.  I shout the news, and my old boss hears.  "This is how you adopt babies in America?  By TEXT MESSAGE?!?!" Well, yes.  In a way.  After being through the American adoption system, I have a few observations.  One is that yes, you can get notified you are a parent by text message.  Five minutes later I was on the phone with the facilitator.  She said she would conference call the birth mother right then so I could speak to her.  Since I had spoken to a birth mother before, this wasn't scary.  The first time I think my gosh what do I say?  Now I'm like, put that woman on the phone! We have things to discuss!!
She was shy, quiet, and sweet.  I think I was a bit over bearing, and the facilitator mentioned after the call that I really barely let her talk.  Well, sorry, but I just lost a baby, and I wasn't gonna pussy-foot around with this one.
"Listen Jane, (name changed) I will love you, support you, and be there for you, but I can not lose another child.  You can change your mind up until the second I walk in the room and meet that baby do you understand?  I will never be angry if you decide to parent, but we are in this together now.  You need to talk to me, you need to be completely honest here.  I promise I will never lie to you or your baby, but you need to promise right now, that you wont lie to me."
She hung up the phone with me and told the facilitator I was her daughters mother and she loved me. 
Baby was due in 7 days.   I was in Denver, she was in North Carolina.  We spoke and text messaged 30 times a day.  She was 22, a single mom to a 4 year old. She tried her best, but she couldn't do another baby on her own.  We had a pretty open adoption plan, and I knew she was brave as hell for going through this.  How completely scary. 
The day before her induction James and I packed up.  Headed to LaGuardia.  Strangely dad got a bit lost.  Still in the car she calls me.  "I can't do this. " She was hysterical. Well, I didn't meet the baby yet, so we turned the car around and drove home. I got in bed, and cried myself to sleep for a bit.  I usually sleep when it hurts. 
6pm the same night the facilitator called. "Jane called me and apologised, she still wants to go through with the adoption."
James said under no circumstance should I go before she signs the paperwork, and so did the facilitator.  Under no circumstance should I go. Well, you know me!  I decided that if she did decide to parent, I was fully prepared.  I had just felt it, so it wasn't a big deal.  If she did go through with the adoption and this was my baby, then I needed to be there to welcome her into the world.  I refused to miss her out of fear.
So I left.  Parents and husband shaking their heads as I left, but I got on that plane.
I met her at the hospital.  It was a big awkward, but OK.  She was ready, and so was I.  There was no one there, just her and I.  We started her induction, and started our loooong wait.  We spent all day talking, and getting to know each other.  That night about 7pm the father of the baby walks in the room.  Well, first of all I didn't think there WAS a father of the baby, and second, WHAT THE FUCK?!  I think that was my exact text message to James. 
The father walked over to me, shy, hangs his head and shakes my head.  I smile and go back to playing on my ipad.  He sits next to Jane and starts talking about whatever.  I couldn't hear them.  He leaves after a bit and I just stared at Jane... Um???  "Well that was weird." She said. "His daughter was in the ER so he came up to say hi."   Reallllllly........ what the fuck.    About 4 hours later around 10:30pm, there was still nothing going on labour wise.  They were about to give up and let her sleep for a few hours as she wasn't dilating, and the contractions were weak. I helped her get an epidural, and we got comfy for the night.  Then knock knock, here comes the father again.  He sits down next to me, and just starts talking.  He tells me how he has 3 degrees but they live in that little town and he couldn't find a job.  He just couldn't support another kid.  I told him about me, and Australia, and our family, and everything.  I told him everything.  He said he was happy I was adopting her and left for the night.
Joliets birthday is the 21st, Haven 23rd, Me 24th, James 25th.  We needed a 22nd to complete our number chart.  This baby was induced the 21st, but waited to come until 3am on the 22nd.  I sure thought that was a sign!  Our 22nd!!!!!
12am I finally went back to the hotel.  I was exhausted from hospital life and needed to sleep.  3am I get the phone call she is finally dilated.  Back to the hospital!  Labour went well, quick, and easy.  Jane was a trooper with pain, and barely made a sound!  I was the only one with her.  Held her leg, helped basically deliver the baby, and cut the umbilical cord myself!  It's a girl! Holy crap!!! 
The doctors had to run to an emergency down the hall, so I stayed with the baby.  Jane really needed to distance herself, which I thought was brave as well, so I gave the baby tonnes of love.  Just spent our time.  About an hour later the father came in.  He took one look at her, and his face changed.  The baby looked exactly like him, and I think he realised it in that second.  Yikes. He said to me.  "I will bring my paperwork back tomorrow." Then he left.
The next day Jane, baby and me all spent time together.  I let them take a nap alone, and Jane let me breastfeed the baby.  I named her Kiri. Don't know why, she just looked like a Kiri. I went to lunch that day and called James.. I knew this wasn't my baby.  I was so hurt by Titus that I knew I wasn't letting myself bond with the baby.  The fact is, I didn't bond with Joliet right away.  How funny.  Joliet is now the light of my life, so I knew bonding would come.  I just didn't feel like this was my baby.
James was thrilled that I didn't bond, because that meant if anything were to go wrong, I would be able to cope emotionally.  North Carolina has a 7 day revocation period.  The highest of any state.  That meant, that the birth mother could change her mind anytime up to 7 days.  That's a LONG time in adoption world.
The next morning was adoption day.  I had bought Titus literally $1500 worth of stuff, he was the best dressed baby in the NICU baby!  When I left, I left everything with him, so I didn't want to do that again.  So now that papers were being drawn up and I was able to take Kiri home, I finally went to the mall to get the stuff I needed.  Pretty fun actually!  About 11am, it was back to the hospital with my stuff, car seat and all.  Once again, I was sitting in the waiting room ready for my baby, car seat and diaper bag.  What a silly sight that must be for whomever walked by.  I signed my adoption paperwork, and she signed hers. She said the father was on his way with his signed paperwork.
And we waited.....and waited....and waited.  To be honest I wasn't worried, I kinda just thought he couldn't be bothered.  I finally went to get some lunch as I hadn't eaten all day.  During lunch Jane calls me and says he just showed up.  I told her to spend some time together, take all the time they need, as we both knew this would be the last time they would spend face to face.  I cried for her pain, and told her I could be in the waiting room when they were ready.
I was in the waiting room.  Son of a bitch.
Jane walked in crying.
"He is keeping her.  He said he spoke to a lawyer, asked to sign paternity papers, and is now taking full custody of the baby." 
What. The. Fuck.
So just to clarify what this man did.  The mother had signed away her rights to that baby that moment, so the father after declaring paternity, was able to swoop in, take the baby, and avoid court, child support, custody hearings.  He cheated the entire system.  Well he did say he had three degrees!
My reaction was surprising.  I wanted to kick the door in, but I hugged her, told her I'm sorry but I need her to walk in the room, bring me every single thing I had bought that little girl (Sorry, but that SOB wants to be a daddy, then get started mate!)
She brought my stuff, I ripped my arm band off and walked out alone.  With an empty car seat again.  Again.
I have to admit, that I reacted poorly after, I was just SO MAD.  The reality is that wasn't my baby and I knew it, I would always have compared her to Titus, and she just wasn't mine. I went back to the hotel alone, and Jay, oh I forgot to mention Jay...... Jay was a 21 year old hotel manager.  He was delightful, and became my friend while I was in North Carolina.  I had no one to talk to, so I would enlist Jay, and basically told him my entire adoption story.  He was so excited when I left to go get the baby, he had the hotel room all set up with baby stuff.  Jay.... God bless Jay.  Anyways, I went back to the hotel to Jay.  he was devastated with me.
There was a miracle.  I have a friend in Australia, who just happened to be in America, and just happened to be going to north Carolina.  And I needed her.  My friend Karen, flew in to be with me.  Jay thought it was pretty cool there were two Australians in North Carolina.  My friend ate with me, spoke with me, and the fact she was there, I slept that night.  She gave me a gift so amazing.  Don;t know how much that might have cost her, but to me it was priceless.
I slept.
So then I was gone again.  Back to my husband and beautiful kids.  And that was the 2nd baby.
LL