Lighting sparklers for Christmas with my kids in the courtyard. The smell immediately takes me to the Lake. My grandparent's summer cottage, that we spent our entire childhoods visiting.
The sparklers, the snakes on the wooden steps, the bigger fireworks for the bigger kids.
Dusk, the mosquitos attacking, Grandma's Skin So Soft which never worked, but we applied liberally anyways. Grandpa in his black leather chair with a small glass bowl of peanuts. Readers Digest, Polenta, and sausages, the lunch bell.
Lying on the single bed with my feet on the wood, playing the drums on the wood leading up the stair case. The velvet blanket on my bed, the squeaky springs.
Grandma's sewing machine, with the drawers of buttons, fishing on the dock. Getting a splinter and grandpa taking you to the office, putting on his head lamp magnifier. Thinking having said splinter removed is torture. Happy to be spending alone time with grandpa none the less.
The smell in the building, the old baby things. Sawdust, the smell of sawdust.
Playing on the potters wheel, wishing it would spin faster.
The sailboat, and the funny bugs that would sun themselves on it. Those moth things that stuck to everything. Wooden ducks. Spotting Loons.
Grandmas oatmeal with half and half and brown sugar. Green beans from the vegetable garden, grandpas Jeep. (I wanted that Jeep! May have fuelled my now obsession with them.)
The sound the water makes when it hits the bottom of the canoe, the water that splashed on you from the ores, feeling terrible when you get too tired and Grandpa had to row you all the way home.
The sound the car made going down the driveway, the linoleum in the back hall. Lying on the kitchen floor tracing the squares with my finger.
Always thinking there are bears outside after it got dark.
The hummingbirds, the light catchers, the tiny things that grandma kept.
Vanilla wafers under grandmas pillow when we left.
Her bedroom, and it being off limits to the kids, so when I got to enter, it was almost like a secret cave. Magical and smelled nice. The timers on the bedpost, the doilies, and nice pyjamas.
Big hanging pots of flowers that didn't smell so nice, but looked amazing, the feeling of the sun chairs with the hot soft mesh.
Quiet.
Tuesday, 24 December 2013
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
Lego "Friends" is bullshit
I am not hard core feminist. I like that men and women are different, and think those differences should be embraced, not demolished.
However, lately it seems the toy world is not only dividing my kids by gender, but pummelling it into them, and it's getting ridicules.
I was really excited Lego was coming out with a more "girly" version of Lego. It was always very much my brothers toy, and I was happy to put some of that engineering creativity to my daughter, whom is highly intelligent. She however, DOES love pink. This love was not taught. I am not overly feminine, and her brother is her idol, so where this love came from is a bit unknown to me.
I was excited that girls could have those stupid little people with cylinder heads, and could now sit for hours using their brains to create cars, and planes like their male counterparts.... Lego Friends however, is anything but that..... Lego Friends is bullshit.
Where to start? Yep, it's a bit pink, and that says to my very feminine daughter "Hooray" So I am good with that, however upon opening the box I was a bit horrified. There are no cylindrical women, but actual dolls, with disturbing hip to waist ratios. Even my husband noticed how scary skinny the girls were. We don't have enough of that? Really? If Barbie were an actual woman, she would be 5'9" tall, have a 39" bust, an 18" waist, 33" hips and a size 3 shoe. Seems practical.
The second horror for my eyes, is that right in the ad I am looking at now, the only scenes for my daughter to construct are; City Café, City Pool, Pet Salon, Beach Buggy, and Olivia's Newborn Foal....... Well I know as a female, my day isn't complete without a trip to the Pet Salon.
Haven's Lego is pretty awesome, he has an airplane, a dump truck, multiple cars, and actual homes and buildings to create. Building "actual things" Makes a bit of sense.
The third horror is that the city is called "Heartlake City." Well that's great, because girls couldn't possibly live in cities called "Gotham, Metropolis, or Cleveland." Silly thought.
Olivia's Newborn Foal is great. Why build an actual farm, when the super-skinny Olivia can feed her foal a carrot. It might be cooler to get Olivia herself a carrot... or better yet a cheeseburger. You do know boys can like horses right? My super masculine, highly intelligent and successful husband had a horse. Jumped on a friends horse one day and jumped that bitch over a fence.... Now THAT is manly. But make sure Joliet doesn't waste her time with building actual barns or housing structures. Foals are where it's at for a successful career.
I have my own bitchings about the new "boys'" Lego as well. I mean, the three advertised under the bullshit Lego Friends, completely advertised separately as to not mistake gender roles are; "Battle at the black gate, The Wizard battle, and Pirate ship Ambush." Not thinking they live at Heartlake City! What happened to just building cool stuff?
9 our of 10 Engineers are male. That's stupid. And I am thinking there is a reason. I take great pride in being a wife and mother. I find it a humans highest calling as a matter of fact. If my girls chose to not go that route, that's cool. Let's make sure they have some foundations to become successful in any career they want. I get Joliet loves princesses, but we don't know Harry or what's his name, and that shit doesn't actually look fun. I would rather she has a career she can be proud of and that uses a bit more of her brain than feeding a foal, playing at the pool, or sitting on a yacht. Yes, the Lego Friends Yacht! Haven will build the Search and Rescue Boats to come save the poor girls, who when they fall over the side of their yacht, their super sized heads, and lack of body fat, or any muscle tone what-so-ever, they will inevitably drown. So good thing Haven is there to rescue them.
However, lately it seems the toy world is not only dividing my kids by gender, but pummelling it into them, and it's getting ridicules.
I was really excited Lego was coming out with a more "girly" version of Lego. It was always very much my brothers toy, and I was happy to put some of that engineering creativity to my daughter, whom is highly intelligent. She however, DOES love pink. This love was not taught. I am not overly feminine, and her brother is her idol, so where this love came from is a bit unknown to me.
I was excited that girls could have those stupid little people with cylinder heads, and could now sit for hours using their brains to create cars, and planes like their male counterparts.... Lego Friends however, is anything but that..... Lego Friends is bullshit.
Where to start? Yep, it's a bit pink, and that says to my very feminine daughter "Hooray" So I am good with that, however upon opening the box I was a bit horrified. There are no cylindrical women, but actual dolls, with disturbing hip to waist ratios. Even my husband noticed how scary skinny the girls were. We don't have enough of that? Really? If Barbie were an actual woman, she would be 5'9" tall, have a 39" bust, an 18" waist, 33" hips and a size 3 shoe. Seems practical.
The second horror for my eyes, is that right in the ad I am looking at now, the only scenes for my daughter to construct are; City Café, City Pool, Pet Salon, Beach Buggy, and Olivia's Newborn Foal....... Well I know as a female, my day isn't complete without a trip to the Pet Salon.
Haven's Lego is pretty awesome, he has an airplane, a dump truck, multiple cars, and actual homes and buildings to create. Building "actual things" Makes a bit of sense.
The third horror is that the city is called "Heartlake City." Well that's great, because girls couldn't possibly live in cities called "Gotham, Metropolis, or Cleveland." Silly thought.
Olivia's Newborn Foal is great. Why build an actual farm, when the super-skinny Olivia can feed her foal a carrot. It might be cooler to get Olivia herself a carrot... or better yet a cheeseburger. You do know boys can like horses right? My super masculine, highly intelligent and successful husband had a horse. Jumped on a friends horse one day and jumped that bitch over a fence.... Now THAT is manly. But make sure Joliet doesn't waste her time with building actual barns or housing structures. Foals are where it's at for a successful career.
I have my own bitchings about the new "boys'" Lego as well. I mean, the three advertised under the bullshit Lego Friends, completely advertised separately as to not mistake gender roles are; "Battle at the black gate, The Wizard battle, and Pirate ship Ambush." Not thinking they live at Heartlake City! What happened to just building cool stuff?
9 our of 10 Engineers are male. That's stupid. And I am thinking there is a reason. I take great pride in being a wife and mother. I find it a humans highest calling as a matter of fact. If my girls chose to not go that route, that's cool. Let's make sure they have some foundations to become successful in any career they want. I get Joliet loves princesses, but we don't know Harry or what's his name, and that shit doesn't actually look fun. I would rather she has a career she can be proud of and that uses a bit more of her brain than feeding a foal, playing at the pool, or sitting on a yacht. Yes, the Lego Friends Yacht! Haven will build the Search and Rescue Boats to come save the poor girls, who when they fall over the side of their yacht, their super sized heads, and lack of body fat, or any muscle tone what-so-ever, they will inevitably drown. So good thing Haven is there to rescue them.
Friday, 6 December 2013
Fatty Mc.Fat
I am Fatty Mc. Fat
So book sales on release date are poo. I took it completely personally. I thought my Aussie friends were really supporting me, when in reality they are being supportive in thought. But, but, I would have supported YOU, and bought YOUR book. I mean, why not think it's cool to even own a crap book written by a friend?
That's cool, but the book is $20. In Oz we blow our nose with $20. No literally, this country is so expensive you could never imagine. I went back to America and got a bagel and an orange juice at the airport. She said "That'll be $6.00" I was all "Did you get the orange juice?" She goes "You would pay $6.00 for a BAGEL??" Honey I would pay $6.00 for the orange juice!!!
It's cool, I'm trucking on.
I love food. That's why I wrote the book. For a skinny chick, my love affair with food has been an amazing love affair journey, and THAT is why I wrote the book.
I was raised right, and never drank soda, or had candy. I ate well, had a mother that cooked our meals. And then the divorce, and her work schedule, and my fathers absence, and my inability to think I am good enough, or pretty or thin. Then her death and my alcohol addiction. I went through the motions. I got heavy as a mammoth, and witnessed first hand what it feels like to be huge. I know the cycle of hating yourself for eating, then feeling so bad, and eating to make the pain stop. I got that.
In my new life with food, I don't just feed my mouth, or my stomach, I feed my soul. HOW CORNEY! I know, it's so true.
I LOVE food. I refuse to eat what I don't adore, and this was especially true when I was pregnant. My husband will never again buy me cake as I would cry if he got the wrong one. CRY!!!!!!
It's just so different and beautiful now. I cook what I desire, and feed my family food of love. Celery and rice cakes to keep up thin? Hell to the NO! I feed us amazing, exquisite, violently delicious food. I savour it, taste it, linger in it. When I have a 3 year old close her eyes with happiness of taste my heart jumps. "My mom is the best cooker!" I got tonight. I am the best cooker :)
I have gotten from a binge eating, eating for self loating, eating to numb myself Fatty Mc. Fat. To a thin, healthy, cook, who eats better than any chubba out there. I eat amazing, because I found a healthy relationship with food. DIETS DON'T WORK. Diets end. And being some super skinny size 2 is not a healthy outlook. "But I was a size 4 in high school." Bitch you 40, let that goooooo. Be happy with you now. Healthy doesn't need to be anorexic, it needs to be fed to content without excess. That's it. It looks different on all of us, so don't look at my size, or Miranda Kerr size, or your best friends size to be your size. Stop it. JUST STOP IT!!!!!
Eating.
Sometimes I don't eat breakfast because I'm not hungry in the morning. That's it. Am I hungry? Nope? OK then not gonna eat. "80% of obese people skip breakfast" Well I'm not obese. Are you skipping to "save calories?" Or are you not hungry? HUGE difference.
Lunch? I eat a sandwich, or half a sandwich, or tortilla and cheese, or whatever I want. But after half the meal I ask if I am really still hungry?
My dinner? My dinner is shared with my family. The epicenter of my universe. I will give them my love in this meal and it is planned with care.
I write weekly menus and shopping lists (In the friggin' book) So I save money and time enough to do this.
I pick food and recipes that make me salivate. Entice me to the center. THAT is what I cook.
I wont eat food that I don't love, and when I do I get teary. I get angry! We only have so many meals in our lives, so why not eat food that is amazing?!
I now have learned to cook, because after a few "omg Laura, this is psycho good." You get a kick from cooking. You keep trying harder and harder to get your family to give you the thumbs up and empty plate. It's OK to learn to cook for vanity! Hell, whatever works.
I don't look at food with my kids as other mothers do. Kids go through growth spurt and have ZERO misconceptions about food. No matter how good or high calorie, or fatty, they are programmed to eat when they are hungry, and stop when they are full. Their palates are virgin, and enjoy pure, clean tastes. YOU have issues with food, they don't. Some days my kids eat 4 meals a day, they finish their plates and ask for more. Most days, they eat 3 bites at dinner, and bring home half their lunch. This is normal. This is listening to your body, and only eating when you need. The Food Pyramid was made my Kellogg. If you can't digest that sentence, please ponder it until you do. A corporation profiting in FOOD, can not tell you what to eat. Anyways it's batshit upside down. Fuck a food pyramid. Fuck a Three meal a day and 2 snack consisting of 3 veg, 4 fruit, 1 meat diet. You eat what your body tells it to when it tells it to. Emotions have no place in food. Except when you can love it.
When you love every meal you eat, you are never deprived by a smaller portion, because your brain knows the next meal will be just as amazing as the last. This is the best food you ever had? That's cool! Next meal will be just as good, so eating more than you need is unnecessary.
I decided not to be a celebrity chef, or a nutritionist, or a doctor. I am just a mom, and an ex-fatty, that figured it out with non-bullshit ideas and ways to live. That's it.
I hope you can get to this place too. And if you need help? laurasfoodfight.com, and $20 can help!
Merry Christmas!
Laura
So book sales on release date are poo. I took it completely personally. I thought my Aussie friends were really supporting me, when in reality they are being supportive in thought. But, but, I would have supported YOU, and bought YOUR book. I mean, why not think it's cool to even own a crap book written by a friend?
That's cool, but the book is $20. In Oz we blow our nose with $20. No literally, this country is so expensive you could never imagine. I went back to America and got a bagel and an orange juice at the airport. She said "That'll be $6.00" I was all "Did you get the orange juice?" She goes "You would pay $6.00 for a BAGEL??" Honey I would pay $6.00 for the orange juice!!!
It's cool, I'm trucking on.
I love food. That's why I wrote the book. For a skinny chick, my love affair with food has been an amazing love affair journey, and THAT is why I wrote the book.
I was raised right, and never drank soda, or had candy. I ate well, had a mother that cooked our meals. And then the divorce, and her work schedule, and my fathers absence, and my inability to think I am good enough, or pretty or thin. Then her death and my alcohol addiction. I went through the motions. I got heavy as a mammoth, and witnessed first hand what it feels like to be huge. I know the cycle of hating yourself for eating, then feeling so bad, and eating to make the pain stop. I got that.
In my new life with food, I don't just feed my mouth, or my stomach, I feed my soul. HOW CORNEY! I know, it's so true.
I LOVE food. I refuse to eat what I don't adore, and this was especially true when I was pregnant. My husband will never again buy me cake as I would cry if he got the wrong one. CRY!!!!!!
It's just so different and beautiful now. I cook what I desire, and feed my family food of love. Celery and rice cakes to keep up thin? Hell to the NO! I feed us amazing, exquisite, violently delicious food. I savour it, taste it, linger in it. When I have a 3 year old close her eyes with happiness of taste my heart jumps. "My mom is the best cooker!" I got tonight. I am the best cooker :)
I have gotten from a binge eating, eating for self loating, eating to numb myself Fatty Mc. Fat. To a thin, healthy, cook, who eats better than any chubba out there. I eat amazing, because I found a healthy relationship with food. DIETS DON'T WORK. Diets end. And being some super skinny size 2 is not a healthy outlook. "But I was a size 4 in high school." Bitch you 40, let that goooooo. Be happy with you now. Healthy doesn't need to be anorexic, it needs to be fed to content without excess. That's it. It looks different on all of us, so don't look at my size, or Miranda Kerr size, or your best friends size to be your size. Stop it. JUST STOP IT!!!!!
Eating.
Sometimes I don't eat breakfast because I'm not hungry in the morning. That's it. Am I hungry? Nope? OK then not gonna eat. "80% of obese people skip breakfast" Well I'm not obese. Are you skipping to "save calories?" Or are you not hungry? HUGE difference.
Lunch? I eat a sandwich, or half a sandwich, or tortilla and cheese, or whatever I want. But after half the meal I ask if I am really still hungry?
My dinner? My dinner is shared with my family. The epicenter of my universe. I will give them my love in this meal and it is planned with care.
I write weekly menus and shopping lists (In the friggin' book) So I save money and time enough to do this.
I pick food and recipes that make me salivate. Entice me to the center. THAT is what I cook.
I wont eat food that I don't love, and when I do I get teary. I get angry! We only have so many meals in our lives, so why not eat food that is amazing?!
I now have learned to cook, because after a few "omg Laura, this is psycho good." You get a kick from cooking. You keep trying harder and harder to get your family to give you the thumbs up and empty plate. It's OK to learn to cook for vanity! Hell, whatever works.
I don't look at food with my kids as other mothers do. Kids go through growth spurt and have ZERO misconceptions about food. No matter how good or high calorie, or fatty, they are programmed to eat when they are hungry, and stop when they are full. Their palates are virgin, and enjoy pure, clean tastes. YOU have issues with food, they don't. Some days my kids eat 4 meals a day, they finish their plates and ask for more. Most days, they eat 3 bites at dinner, and bring home half their lunch. This is normal. This is listening to your body, and only eating when you need. The Food Pyramid was made my Kellogg. If you can't digest that sentence, please ponder it until you do. A corporation profiting in FOOD, can not tell you what to eat. Anyways it's batshit upside down. Fuck a food pyramid. Fuck a Three meal a day and 2 snack consisting of 3 veg, 4 fruit, 1 meat diet. You eat what your body tells it to when it tells it to. Emotions have no place in food. Except when you can love it.
When you love every meal you eat, you are never deprived by a smaller portion, because your brain knows the next meal will be just as amazing as the last. This is the best food you ever had? That's cool! Next meal will be just as good, so eating more than you need is unnecessary.
I decided not to be a celebrity chef, or a nutritionist, or a doctor. I am just a mom, and an ex-fatty, that figured it out with non-bullshit ideas and ways to live. That's it.
I hope you can get to this place too. And if you need help? laurasfoodfight.com, and $20 can help!
Merry Christmas!
Laura
Friday, 29 November 2013
And I run...
And I run-
It's been 2 years now, so it's fully time to jump ship. I will leave again in a month. Do I hate it here? Did I not make friends? Quite the opposite. I love it here. The people in Melbourne I have met again, another family. Friends of such amazing character and love that I humble to be a part of this. These people, Haven's school, the adventures and experiences. But it's time to go again. Again, again, again.
I have never lived in the same spot longer than 2 years in my life. 2 years. Except childhood, and in that I attended 11 schools in 12 years. The new school just as scary as the last, but either good or bad it was an experience to be had and learned from.
Mom died at 18, and it was just fucking make it from then on, never feeling at "home" again for years. "Home" was where I was and I would just be until I moved to the next place.
I fallowed people on any adventure "Let's quit our jobs and go to Florida" Ok. Let's do that. 3 months later. Broke and unemployed and thrilled with my adventure, I went back to the temporary home. At some point in the trip I had let go of my fears, and just stood on the beach, with the waves crashing my feet and it was "standing in a hole." The waves would wash over them and deeper and deeper I would go in the sand. The serenity found in standing in that hole. I think I have always been chasing that feeling. Standing in a hole.
The world is so hectic and if I think of the reality of the world, and the pollution, and animals, and toxic life we leave I literally anxiety myself to delirium. It's not right. You can't have kids and think " This is gonna work out well for you!" So I want to DO as much as I can until this time here is up.
We're leaving again.
I can't tell you how many places I have lived in my life. Countless homes. Countless addresses. I said at one point I left Denver because I dated every available man in the state and had to leave to find a boyfriend. I would say that it was too hot or too cold or too expensive, so I would move again. Then I met my husband who has the same love of leaving.
But when I left before I was running. I was running away from myself and the chaos I created. I would create drama and a story of amazing proportion. I would have this insane life that was always so hard.
This is different. My life as an adult is much calmer, and not so X rated. My new life is as spontaneous as ever, but more as now I'm not broke. "Pack up we're leaving for the weekend." Where are we going? "South."
The life now is still picking a point on the map and going there to find the adventure that zip code has to offer. By doing this, I have met people you would never understand. I have seen things no one has seen. Been to a glow worm tunnel? Yea, that was a Thursday.
My entire life I have felt I was searching for something. I got off the plane in Australia and felt like this is what I was searching for. Yet 5 years on, and my 4th address, 3rd state.
This to me is an adventure, but I wonder what my kids feel about this. I see it as all a learning experience. You can't KNOW until you do. You can't UNDERSTAND until you have lived it, and it scares the shit out of me my kid's don't see it that way. Maybe they see it as instability?
Maybe I have instability or feed off of that? Why do I need to analyze it all?
I had made friends in Sydney that I would die for. Amazing family like friendships. I left. I have American friendships that I would still give my life for now and forever, but I left. I have friends in Melbourne that I would surrogate children for, and too love as family. Now I leave again.
I can justify. Our next year is living at the fucking Four Seasons in a house you can't imagine. I can justify like you wouldn't believe why I leave, but at the same time I wonder why I see living in the same place for 30 years as a death sentence. 30 years in the SAME place?
I hope my kids can see it my way, or I can find out why I need to leave always to fulfill myself. This life is amazing. Crazy and fun, and never dull.
To the next adventure! And seriously, come visit this time, as this is the coolest yet!
Thursday, 28 November 2013
Thursday, 21 November 2013
Longing and Death
I keep waiting for my Mom.
I'm 32 years old, and I still need my mother so desperately. I keep doing cool stuff, so I keep looking for that affirmation, reassurance, guidance, that "way to go Laura." I still need that and being sentenced to a life without it down right sucks!
I need her to see my kids, attend my wedding, read my book, look at how hot a husband I got.
I need her to taste my food, and see my successes.
I can see her eyes when they get teary from pride. I remember her being proud of me for whatever. I wasn't much of a productive member of society, so every minute reason I could give her to be proud she would be. "Hell, Laura finished her peas. Good girl!"
Whatever, I took it.
When your only cheerleader dies, that need for approval doesn't die. You just get none.
Tough S^&* sweetheart you're on your own!
When people die you have unfinished business with, it sure is a kick in the lip! That can go wither way. I still am waiting for my dead dad to apologize and tell me I was worthy of being loved, or that he loved me! Yea, that's gonna go well.
Being an adult sucks. Knowing life is only what you make it, and that no one can determine your self worth but you is very bitter. I keep looking for them and they don't seem to be making any appearances.
Lately my 3 year old has been obsessed with death and I honestly don't know why. We don't talk about it, or watch shows about it. I don't talk about my parents, but for the last 3 months she asks constantly...... I know why, she had a dream Juneaux died, and she was so hysterical we had to hold her for 2 hours in the middle of the night. She was sobbing and trembling with fear. I thought that was just a saying, but my kid was trembling with fear.
She said "Do you ever have dreams?"
Yes baby.
"Do you ever have die dreams?"
...................omg
She said they were in the bath and Juneaux went under the water. Poor kid. She was horrified.
So now she keeps asking, literally out of nowhere "Is your mom still dead?" Like creepy.
She has a way of doing that.
One day I was lying in bed on holiday and she was in a roll out bed next to me. I was almost asleep and she said "You don't want another baby, you just want Titus."
The fuck kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So creepy it up little soul. You're right.
I don't want to leave them with some un-fulfilled adoration from me, and that may be why I abuse them with love, feel so desperately guilty when I yell, and walk around with a constant fear of screwing them up. I can't leave them not knowing how amazing they are.
I started smoking again. OK, OK, calm down. And even though I know it won't just take me out immediately, it now has this impending doom attached to it, not for me, but for my kids. Will it take me out, before I fill them with what they need? Will I ever fill them? Is filling a child even fucking possible?
You are kind, you are funny, you are smart, you are wonderful, you are great, you are perfect....
I miss my mom.
Right now... "Joliet do you know you're wonderful?"
Jo "Yes, do you know I'm wonderful?"
Yes.
Jo "Your so beautiful"................................. Go pick your pony Jo.... Go pick your pony.
I wish my mom could hear that.
I'm 32 years old, and I still need my mother so desperately. I keep doing cool stuff, so I keep looking for that affirmation, reassurance, guidance, that "way to go Laura." I still need that and being sentenced to a life without it down right sucks!
I need her to see my kids, attend my wedding, read my book, look at how hot a husband I got.
I need her to taste my food, and see my successes.
I can see her eyes when they get teary from pride. I remember her being proud of me for whatever. I wasn't much of a productive member of society, so every minute reason I could give her to be proud she would be. "Hell, Laura finished her peas. Good girl!"
Whatever, I took it.
When your only cheerleader dies, that need for approval doesn't die. You just get none.
Tough S^&* sweetheart you're on your own!
When people die you have unfinished business with, it sure is a kick in the lip! That can go wither way. I still am waiting for my dead dad to apologize and tell me I was worthy of being loved, or that he loved me! Yea, that's gonna go well.
Being an adult sucks. Knowing life is only what you make it, and that no one can determine your self worth but you is very bitter. I keep looking for them and they don't seem to be making any appearances.
Lately my 3 year old has been obsessed with death and I honestly don't know why. We don't talk about it, or watch shows about it. I don't talk about my parents, but for the last 3 months she asks constantly...... I know why, she had a dream Juneaux died, and she was so hysterical we had to hold her for 2 hours in the middle of the night. She was sobbing and trembling with fear. I thought that was just a saying, but my kid was trembling with fear.
She said "Do you ever have dreams?"
Yes baby.
"Do you ever have die dreams?"
...................omg
She said they were in the bath and Juneaux went under the water. Poor kid. She was horrified.
So now she keeps asking, literally out of nowhere "Is your mom still dead?" Like creepy.
She has a way of doing that.
One day I was lying in bed on holiday and she was in a roll out bed next to me. I was almost asleep and she said "You don't want another baby, you just want Titus."
The fuck kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So creepy it up little soul. You're right.
I don't want to leave them with some un-fulfilled adoration from me, and that may be why I abuse them with love, feel so desperately guilty when I yell, and walk around with a constant fear of screwing them up. I can't leave them not knowing how amazing they are.
I started smoking again. OK, OK, calm down. And even though I know it won't just take me out immediately, it now has this impending doom attached to it, not for me, but for my kids. Will it take me out, before I fill them with what they need? Will I ever fill them? Is filling a child even fucking possible?
You are kind, you are funny, you are smart, you are wonderful, you are great, you are perfect....
I miss my mom.
Right now... "Joliet do you know you're wonderful?"
Jo "Yes, do you know I'm wonderful?"
Yes.
Jo "Your so beautiful"................................. Go pick your pony Jo.... Go pick your pony.
I wish my mom could hear that.
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
Beauty
My children are beautiful. Deny it! I dare you. Have you seen them?
I can say that shit, as none of them look like me!
I had a woman on a plane go "I'm sorry for staring but your son looks so much like your husband it's uncanny."
"Thanks," I say "But she's a girl."
"Nooooo, your son!"
She ment Haven. Dude he's adopted!
I get that all the time. Haven looks just like James! (His adopted child)
And yea, Joliet is what happens when God get's bored making faces, so he re-printed James' face and added blue eyes and a vagina. Joliet is the re-incarnation of my husband down to his weird hands.
The Juneaux, who is this creepy, big eyes, baby that baby commercials are made from. What gives?
And what exactly is my issue if my kids are so "beautiful?"
I can look back on my insane life with perfect 20/20 vision. I can map out what happened to make which event take place, to affect which people, to cause which result into the future. Do you know, I can blame myself for a man cheating on his wife 10 years later, because of my distain for men and inability to be loved, from my not feeling good enough about myself, from a father that wasn't there? Now THAT is impressive.
I can fight you to the death, but I will go back and re-analyse after the fight to find the heart of the issue. Mostly my fault mind you.
I feel the greatest human tragedy is the inability to accept personal responsibility.
I can DO that....... maybe not straight away, but I got you.
You can even look back on a fight you and I have personally got into, and believe it or not, I have gone back and found my part....
So who care's if my kids are beautiful?
I guess I am scared for them. Everyone wants beautiful kids, but I feel it's for selfish reasons "Look how beautiful my baby is, therefore I must be beautiful to produce this."
But what does that mean in the future?
Juneaux scares the shit out of me. She has these eyes, that at 6 months, pierce through you like daggers. Like she will be able to control people with her beauty. She is seriously scary.
So what? So I don't want my kids to use that, or be taken advantage of because of that, or to do harm with that.
I am scared for what they will do with that.
Will they trust they are beautiful? Will they base their looks on others opinions of them? Will they manipulate others with that? Will they be used for that? Hell, being a parent is hard.
My kids aren't cute? Haven has 7 year old girls who want to marry him KNOWING he's trans. The kid is damn good-looking.
Joliet started off shaky, but looks like a freaky gap kid model, and Juneaux just grosses people out that I got 3 that attractive. I heard that. "That's not fair, all 3 are good looking."
So what do I do? I tell them they are everything but. Smart, strong, talented, caring, patient, kind, empathetic, intelligent, motivated, athletic.....but I still say beautiful.
With my whole life based on my appearance I am so confused how to parent kids without that being in their vocabulary. Because it was a baseline in my self worth.
Pretty and bright. I remember the first time a stranger didn't comment on my looks. It was my date to 9th grade home comings mother. She did not mention I was pretty. What the fuck. I remember because it was a constant, and when it wasn't there I was crushed. What a stupid thing to worry about! If someone thinks you are pretty!!!!
At 32, fuck being pretty, tell me I am smart, or determined. I want spontaneous, creative, and kind. I don't care if you think I'm pretty, I am a badass for lot's of reasons. Being attractive isn't one of them. With a world of beauty and measuring up, how do I stray these beautiful being away form that being their definitions?
You ARE beautiful, but you are bold first. You are creative first, you are athletic first. How do you give them a different first?
Boo hoo Laura with your pretty kids. Dude, they don't look like me, I got nothing to do with it, but I do have something to do with them becoming adults. Productive, thriving adults......
So who care's right? What do I do with beautiful?
I can say that shit, as none of them look like me!
I had a woman on a plane go "I'm sorry for staring but your son looks so much like your husband it's uncanny."
"Thanks," I say "But she's a girl."
"Nooooo, your son!"
She ment Haven. Dude he's adopted!
I get that all the time. Haven looks just like James! (His adopted child)
And yea, Joliet is what happens when God get's bored making faces, so he re-printed James' face and added blue eyes and a vagina. Joliet is the re-incarnation of my husband down to his weird hands.
The Juneaux, who is this creepy, big eyes, baby that baby commercials are made from. What gives?
And what exactly is my issue if my kids are so "beautiful?"
I can look back on my insane life with perfect 20/20 vision. I can map out what happened to make which event take place, to affect which people, to cause which result into the future. Do you know, I can blame myself for a man cheating on his wife 10 years later, because of my distain for men and inability to be loved, from my not feeling good enough about myself, from a father that wasn't there? Now THAT is impressive.
I can fight you to the death, but I will go back and re-analyse after the fight to find the heart of the issue. Mostly my fault mind you.
I feel the greatest human tragedy is the inability to accept personal responsibility.
I can DO that....... maybe not straight away, but I got you.
You can even look back on a fight you and I have personally got into, and believe it or not, I have gone back and found my part....
So who care's if my kids are beautiful?
I guess I am scared for them. Everyone wants beautiful kids, but I feel it's for selfish reasons "Look how beautiful my baby is, therefore I must be beautiful to produce this."
But what does that mean in the future?
Juneaux scares the shit out of me. She has these eyes, that at 6 months, pierce through you like daggers. Like she will be able to control people with her beauty. She is seriously scary.
So what? So I don't want my kids to use that, or be taken advantage of because of that, or to do harm with that.
I am scared for what they will do with that.
Will they trust they are beautiful? Will they base their looks on others opinions of them? Will they manipulate others with that? Will they be used for that? Hell, being a parent is hard.
My kids aren't cute? Haven has 7 year old girls who want to marry him KNOWING he's trans. The kid is damn good-looking.
Joliet started off shaky, but looks like a freaky gap kid model, and Juneaux just grosses people out that I got 3 that attractive. I heard that. "That's not fair, all 3 are good looking."
So what do I do? I tell them they are everything but. Smart, strong, talented, caring, patient, kind, empathetic, intelligent, motivated, athletic.....but I still say beautiful.
With my whole life based on my appearance I am so confused how to parent kids without that being in their vocabulary. Because it was a baseline in my self worth.
Pretty and bright. I remember the first time a stranger didn't comment on my looks. It was my date to 9th grade home comings mother. She did not mention I was pretty. What the fuck. I remember because it was a constant, and when it wasn't there I was crushed. What a stupid thing to worry about! If someone thinks you are pretty!!!!
At 32, fuck being pretty, tell me I am smart, or determined. I want spontaneous, creative, and kind. I don't care if you think I'm pretty, I am a badass for lot's of reasons. Being attractive isn't one of them. With a world of beauty and measuring up, how do I stray these beautiful being away form that being their definitions?
You ARE beautiful, but you are bold first. You are creative first, you are athletic first. How do you give them a different first?
Boo hoo Laura with your pretty kids. Dude, they don't look like me, I got nothing to do with it, but I do have something to do with them becoming adults. Productive, thriving adults......
So who care's right? What do I do with beautiful?
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