Beauty

My children are beautiful.  Deny it!  I dare you.  Have you seen them?
I can say that shit, as none of them look like me! 
I had a woman on a plane go "I'm sorry for staring but your son looks so much like your husband it's uncanny." 
"Thanks," I say "But she's a girl."
"Nooooo, your son!"
She ment Haven.  Dude he's adopted!
I get that all the time.  Haven looks just like James!  (His adopted child)
And yea, Joliet is what happens when God get's bored making faces, so he re-printed James' face and added blue eyes and a vagina.  Joliet is the re-incarnation of my husband down to his weird hands. 
The Juneaux, who is this creepy, big eyes, baby that baby commercials are made from.  What gives?
And what exactly is my issue if my kids are so "beautiful?"
I can look back on my insane life with perfect 20/20 vision.  I can map out what happened to make which event take place, to affect which people, to cause which result into the future.  Do you know, I can blame myself for a man cheating on his wife 10 years later, because of my distain for men and inability to be loved, from my not feeling good enough about myself, from a father that wasn't there?  Now THAT is impressive. 
I can fight you to the death, but I will go back and re-analyse after the fight to find the heart of the issue.  Mostly my fault mind you.
I feel the greatest human tragedy is the inability to accept personal responsibility.
I can DO that....... maybe not straight away, but I got you.
You can even look back on a fight you and I have personally got into, and believe it or not, I have gone back and found my part....
So who care's if my kids are beautiful?
I guess I am scared for them.  Everyone wants beautiful kids, but I feel it's for selfish reasons "Look how beautiful my baby is, therefore I must be beautiful to produce this."
But what does that mean in the future?
Juneaux scares the shit out of me.  She has these eyes, that at 6 months, pierce through you like daggers.  Like she will be able to control people with her beauty.  She is seriously scary.
So what?  So I don't want my kids to use that, or be taken advantage of because of that, or to do harm with that.
I am scared for what they will do with that.
Will they trust they are beautiful?  Will they base their looks on others opinions of them?  Will they manipulate others with that? Will they be used for that?  Hell, being a parent is hard.
My kids aren't cute?  Haven has 7 year old girls who want to marry him KNOWING he's trans.  The kid is damn good-looking.
Joliet started off shaky, but looks like a freaky gap kid model, and Juneaux just grosses people out that I got 3 that attractive.  I heard that.  "That's not fair, all 3 are good looking." 
So what do I do?  I tell them they are everything but.  Smart, strong, talented, caring, patient, kind, empathetic, intelligent, motivated, athletic.....but I still say beautiful. 
With my whole life based on my appearance I am so confused how to parent kids without that being in their vocabulary.  Because it was a baseline in my self worth.
Pretty and bright.  I remember the first time a stranger didn't comment on my looks.  It was my date to 9th grade home comings mother.  She did not mention I was pretty.  What the fuck.  I remember because it was a constant, and when it wasn't there I was crushed.  What a stupid thing to worry about!  If someone thinks you are pretty!!!!
At 32, fuck being pretty, tell me I am smart, or determined.  I want spontaneous, creative, and kind.  I don't care if you think I'm pretty, I am a badass for lot's of reasons.  Being attractive isn't one of them.  With a world of beauty and measuring up, how do I stray these beautiful being away form that being their definitions? 
You ARE beautiful, but you are bold first.   You are creative first, you are athletic first.  How do you give them a different first?
Boo hoo Laura with your pretty kids.  Dude, they don't look like me, I got nothing to do with it, but I do have something to do with them becoming adults.  Productive, thriving adults......
So who care's right?  What do I do with beautiful?