Longing and Death

I keep waiting for my Mom.
I'm 32 years old, and I still need my mother so desperately.  I keep doing cool stuff, so I keep looking for that affirmation, reassurance, guidance, that "way to go Laura."  I still need that and being sentenced to a life without it down right sucks!

I need her to see my kids, attend my wedding, read my book, look at how hot a husband I got.
I need her to taste my food, and see my successes.

I can see her eyes when they get teary from pride.  I remember her being proud of me for whatever.  I wasn't much of a productive member of society, so every minute reason I could give her to be proud she would be.  "Hell, Laura finished her peas.  Good girl!"

Whatever, I took it.

When your only cheerleader dies, that need for approval doesn't die.  You just get none.
Tough S^&* sweetheart you're on your own!
When people die you have unfinished business with, it sure is a kick in the lip!  That can go wither way.  I still am waiting for my dead dad to apologize and tell me I was worthy of being loved, or that he loved me! Yea, that's gonna go well.

Being an adult sucks.  Knowing life is only what you make it, and that no one can determine your self worth but you is very bitter.  I keep looking for them and they don't seem to be making any appearances.

Lately my 3 year old has been obsessed with death and I honestly don't know why.  We don't talk about it, or watch shows about it.  I don't talk about my parents, but for the last 3 months she asks constantly...... I know why, she had a dream Juneaux died, and she was so hysterical we had to hold her for 2 hours in the middle of the night.  She was sobbing and trembling with fear.  I thought that was just a saying, but my kid was trembling with fear.

She said "Do you ever have dreams?"  
Yes baby.
"Do you ever have die dreams?"
...................omg
She said they were in the bath and Juneaux went under the water.  Poor kid.  She was horrified.
So now she keeps asking, literally out of nowhere "Is your mom still dead?"  Like creepy.

She has a way of doing that.

One day I was lying in bed on holiday and she was in a roll out bed next to me.  I was almost asleep and she said "You don't want another baby, you just want Titus."
The fuck kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So creepy it up little soul.  You're right.

I don't want to leave them with some un-fulfilled adoration from me, and that may be why I abuse them with love, feel so desperately guilty when I yell, and walk around with a constant fear of screwing them up. I can't leave them not knowing how amazing they are.

I started smoking again.  OK, OK, calm down.  And even though I know it won't just take me out immediately, it now has this impending doom  attached to it, not for me, but for my kids.  Will it take me out, before I fill them with what they need?  Will I ever fill them? Is filling a child even fucking possible?

You are kind, you are funny, you are smart, you are wonderful, you are great, you are perfect....

I miss my mom.

Right now... "Joliet do you know you're wonderful?"
Jo "Yes, do you know I'm wonderful?"
Yes.
Jo "Your so beautiful"................................. Go pick your pony Jo.... Go pick your pony.

I wish my mom could hear that.