I believe this life is a lesson. Lessons to take to eternity. You will get the same lesson until learned
.
I have a transgender child.
What lesson could be harder than living in a body that doesn't match your soul? Anything? Fucking anything? This has got to be the most challenging, difficult, soul destroying lesson, and I am so blessed and grateful I get to guide and nurture a soul with this lesson. Bring it on.
You are mighty and powerful and strong and brilliant just the way you are. You will be loved, and cherished, and adored for you as a soul not a body.
I'm sorry for your pain, but I will bear your cross and nurture your being for the beauty it is regardless. You are spectacular. You are great.
I don't worry about the child with the hardest life path imaginable. I worry about Joliet.
Joliet is soft. Delicate, fragile, precious. I get upset with her and she crumbles at my touch. "I'm so sorry mom, I am so sorry." No question, no justification, just pure fear of my anger.... I fear for her. I need my methods questioned. I punish you, I need you to make sure my ruling is justified and accurate. Please don't take me at my word, as I am just a mother trying my best. My best may not be right.
Joliet, if I say "no." respect me, but please don't cower at my word. I too make mistakes...
"Haven don't eat that."
"But why? Have you eaten it? How do you know I can't eat that? Maybe you ate it and it was different than this. Maybe you are wrong."
The questioning makes me steadfast in my deliberation, and when not questioned, makes me fall short of real parenting.
If they don't resist I become a dictator.
I don't "Rule" you, I direct you, please question the direction of me any EVERYBODY.
If my child doesn't question me, how will I know she wont question the masses? Question EVERYONE! Your teachers, the cops, the courts, the church. Question until you have no more questions than question again! Please baby girl of light, fear only yourself, and not my authority. Everyone wants obedient children, but when a child refuses to question, and cowers at your authority, it kills me! It kills me she submits with no distinction. My baby, my beauty, my light. I will tell you my course and ideas and ideals, but my God child, I am not perfect. Please don't take me as such.
Joliet is kind, and sacred. Her soul so pure and delicate that a stern look turns her to jello. My baby,
I will get upset as a mother, but please don't take this as a definition of your character. My anger will pass, your beauty and uniqueness will not.
I don't know how to parent a soft willed child. I can do my child with the hard life path. I can do my son with a non-conforming body, and fear of toilets, and partners, and secrets. I can do the hardest of the hard. I don't know how to do the submissive. The gentle, the delicate. How do I do the sensitive soul too kind for the earth?
How do I protect a being so graceful and sweet, the world would break? How do I put this baby in a bubble?
Yea, yea, you are trans and society wants to burn you at the steak. Fine, we will work through that, bring on the pitch forks! I will beat some asses and take names son, and you are strong enough to fight with me....
How do I do the people pleaser?
Joliet you are perfect. When people say otherwise how do I calm her? How do I reassure her? How do I protect her?
I fear for my baby. Not the one with the hardest life path on earth...we got this.... but my baby with the sensitive soul.
Please pray for Joliet. Keep her spirit with you, and keep her close. She needs support through this crazy maze. I get locking girls in towers, but she would be too lonely so that's out.
Pray for my daughter.
Pray for my guidance for her.
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment