Looking back at baby photos is a joy for most mothers.. Most mothers that aren't me I guess.
Where do you start when your children's photos bring back everything you have ever done wrong?
I look at Haven at 3 and see how hard I was on him. Haven has always been my wisdom. This old Jewish man in a short childs body. I remember fighting with James and Haven walking James by the hand into the bedroom so he could apologize to me. Grown beyond his years since birth. Too wise and smart and good for me. I would hold him accountable to actions far beyond his ability. I still do. I see him as a wise old man, when he is still just a baby. I don't have photos of us at our hardest. Who would have taken them? Me working and then drinking the night away, him asleep. My part time single parenting as there was no one else to take care of us. Me full of resentments for the reality, and this sweet little child going with the flow. His maturity was just a reflection of my neglect and immaturity.
I am so sorry Haven.
I thought Joliet was ugly. Yes my Joliet. The 2 foot tall blonde angel of light that lives in my home. The 2 foot tall angel of God's breath; that poops rainbows and vomits sunshine. The 2 foot tall cherub that holds my face, and tells me she loves me 30 times a day, after thanking me for hugs, and telling me how happy I make her heart... That child to me was ugly..... This was just the reflection of me failing as a parent. Failing to do the one job God gave me to do... To comfort her.
I was ugly.
Joliet cried for 18-20 hours a day.. for a year. 5 doctors by the time she was 3 months. Each one stupider than the next. The second doctor saying "Well, at least it isn't 22 hours a day." Thanks mate. Doctor 5 asking if I tried a dummy......
Bitch I will stab you right here.....
We went to sleep school, a four day programme. We were kicked out after 17. "You just have a hard baby!"....... I had no support or family... I thought I had made a mistake... I was a full failure to her and it made me resent her and not see her beauty. You idiot woman....
Joliet I am so sorry.
I look at these photos and it is going so fast I HATED when people would say that. Fuck! It does go by so fast, and it doesn't come back.
Men who walk out on their kids, or people work obsessed, even though this is so hard you will fail continually, it is so amazing, and it DOES go by so quick. Just stop.
I fail and hate myself for getting it wrong. Why do the failures override the amazing unmatched joy and beauty of this parenting thing? Why do I look back at Joliet's face... This child model, blue eyes the size of 50 cent coins and breathe apologies over the pictures instead of gratitude? Fuck I'm sorrrrrry! I'm sorry I couldn't fix it, I'm sorry you wouldn't stop crying. I'm sorry James would come home to you screaming in your cot and me crying on the floor with a glass of wine next to me. I'm so sorry.
Haven I am so sorry I put thing's before you! God I took you for granted, and put you second to my career and finding a partner. I did that, and you didn't deserve it. God I am so sorry Haven...
I yell too much, I get so annoyed, and if I hear "Mom, mom, mom, mom, look at me, look at me, look at me" one more freaking time my head will literally combust. BAM like a cartoon.... I am so sorry.
I want to stare at them.
I want to be so close to my kids that they are inside of me.
I want to breathe them in. All of them, their personalities, gifts, quirks, struggles.
I lie on the children's hospital floor with Titus in the ER and a security guard comes to ask if I'm OK. "My baby is sick... he's so sick...." "oh" he says. " I thought you were hurt." I AM HURT! My baby is sick. They are hurt so I am hurt. Stab me, shoot me, take this pain away.
They are sick and I feel physical pain! I will die to take it away, I will take your broken arm, your skinned knee, your stomach ache, your cancer. I will DIE right now, right here on the floor to save you. I will give you my BRAIN. I will die right now... to save you.
When will this get easier? This love, un matched, unequal desperate love for these children, at the same time, my insurmountable guilt for the wrongs I have done to them? My mountains of mistakes? My rivers of faults and my vast measures of fuck ups. Oh man have I screwed up.
Can I get a do-over? Is that Juneaux? HAHAHA. Just kidding... But really I can see me smothering her and over compensating, just for my screw ups with 1 and 2... Damn, James better keep his good job as I will be buying lot's of ponies.
I love them.
I don't just love them, I live them and thank God that even though I screw this up like a blind painter, I love them.
That's parenting.
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